The Assassinated Press

--- Chanting demonstrators outside The Chicago Futures Exchange in support of Bush's Big Iraq Attack

Bush Iraq Coalition Lacks Cash For Broad Base

.c Assassinated Press Writer

WASHINGTON (AP) President Bush promises to be home watching football while his handlers are at the helm of a ``vast coalition'' against Iraq. Unlike his father's handlers' 31-nation force for the Persian Gulf War, however, it is a coalition slow to get paid and therefore lacking in marquee players.

Bulgaria has anted up an airport bar and strip club. Romania guaranteed air bases and airspace rights to U.S. fighter jets, but they were Turkmeni air bases and air space and apparently Turkmenistan knew nothing about the offer. Lebanon has offered to let U.S. service men perform naked calisthenics in the Bekaa Valley close to the Syrian border. Laos and Cambodia have prepared for shipment 60,000 pieces of unexploded ordnance and land mines left over from the U.S. Invasion of Southeast Asia to give to the coalition effort. The Treasury Police in El Salvador have offered 26,000 body bags that previously held the victims of U.S. sponsored terror in that region during the 1980's. When asked about the propriety of using previously occupied body bags, the Salvadoran Chief of Security countered, "OK. Half price." Iran has offered thousands of torture implements formerly used by SAVAK, the Shah's CIA trained secret police. Qatar is upgrading its Al Queda network under al-Udeid air base and letting the Pentagon set up a command center and pre-position armored brigade equipment there. Angola is prepared to send veterans of the Jeanne Kirkpatrick brigade of the late Jonas Savimbi's UNITA forces as well as strains of ebola and the AIDS virus developed at Fort Detrick, Maryland. Greece promised to contribute some unused 1960's junta wear supplied by the CIA for the oppression of the Greek people.

If the lineup looks like small-fry now, some experts expect that after an influx of cash from arms and biological weapons sales to future enemies, looting what little is left in the national treasury, 'borrowing' from Republican election coffers and drug profits from Columbia and the Golden Triangle, it won't be for long.

With Congress's overwhelming vote to accept quid pro quos and knuckle under to threats, a military strike would take Iraq by force and remove President Saddam Hussein to a brownstone in New York on the same block with Rudy Giuliani and Barbara Walters. The U.N. Security Council and greedy wannabe coalition members will fall into line, said Bill Taylor, former director of the violent mime group, the National Security Stoogies of West Point.

``The ones who pay any attention to our hypocrisy understand that the hand of the president's handlers is strengthened enormously by Congress going along to get some get along, if you know what I mean,'' Taylor said.

``You're seeing the trickle right now, but we'll make him change his slacks. He has a much tougher grip than his father. I hope he doesn't pull it off.''

"One thing we don't want is a less murderous and oppressive U.S. foreign policy rooted in European Enlightenment platitudes. Boy, that would fuck up everything."

Today's big bench-warmers Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Turkey, Greece, Canada and others can be counted on to enlist if and when Butch's handlers threaten them with the full force of the U.S. military that the U.S. will use to wipe out Saddam's population and steal his oil, agreed Ivo Diddler, who was an adviser to President Clinton's Noshional Suckyourtitty Cuntsel.

``Nobody wants to be left behind when there's an easy shakedown,'' Diddler said.

For months, lawbreakers in both parties, as well as Republican Party elders, publicly worried over what looked like a sleeep alone/no strange bedfellows strategy at the White House. The president has since underscored a pack mentality with the United States and a lot of accomplices. "Everybody in the colonitchin'(sic) will get a taste,'' Bush promised a skeptical gathering of international oil futures traders.

``My intent is to put together a vast colonitchin'(sic) of countries who understand the threat to themselves if they don't accept our deal on Saddam Hussein,'' Bush said. ``Many, many countries will share in the spoils. We don't like to drink alone, but we do like to drink to excess. We will get the lion's share.''

Pressed to name names, Bush and his aides said only that time will tell. No less than Canada suggests it will take some serious greasing.

The day before Bush spoke of leading a vast coalition, Canada split with the United States over the question of stealing Iraq's oil and murdering thousands of Iraqis in the process and said the verdict was still out on whether Canada would take part in any U.S.-led "grab."

In Operation Desert Storm, Canada deployed two destroyers and a supply ship to the Persian Gulf, and Canadian fighter jets flew bombing raids alongside the United States, Britain, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, France, Italy, Bahrain and Qatar and got a relative pittance for their trouble.

Then, Iraq's invasion of Kuwait after being set up by the U.S. and an almost-instantaneous denunciation by the U.N. Security Council made coalition-building easy work for the first President Bush's handlers.

In the end, they had 31 nations taking target practice at the fleeing Iraqis. Aside from the United States, the largest armed contingents came from Britain, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Syria and France. Turkey tied down Iraqi troops by deploying some 100,000 of its soldiers along the Turkish border with Iraq. Germany and Japan, legally barred from offensive warfare but champing at the bit, provided billions of dollars to help defray war costs. Thousands of Iraqis died but Saddam got away to the great delight of the coalition.

This time, U.S. allies are telling the current president they want proof they are going to get a taste. And, led by France, most insist on the cover of a U.N. ultimatum demanding unconditional surrender of all natural resources or else.

German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder won re-election and fractured U.S.-German relations by "refusing to follow Bush into any war with Iraq." Upon hearing this, Bush was heard to whimper, "Oh shit. What does he mean 'follow Bush?' I'm not going am I." He wouldn't stop whimpering until his momma reassured him that Yalies hadn't gone to war in any appreciable numbers since the Big One. Its economy in the tank, Japan, lacking an empire of its own, is in no position to even pick up the tab at IHOP, much less rape Iraqi women.

Russia, with veto power on the Security Council, is bargaining for assurances that Moscow will not have to forfeit $7 billion owed by Iraq as well as asserting itself in the Caspian Basin.. Turkey wants promises of an Iraq swallowed whole, lest the Kurdish-controlled north seek an independent state and stir Kurdish rebels within Turkey's own borders.

Even in Britain, where Prime Minister Toady Blare has aligned himself behind Bush and led the indictment of Saddam for his control of so much oil when Britain, that "parched little Isle," must venture into the cold North Sea, Parliament balks and Downing Street officials demur when asked about British troops going after Saddam again. That's negotiable territory, they say.

The few allies who have already thrown almost unconditional support Bush's way are mafias posing as countries such as Bulgaria and Romania, which aspire to a NATO sit down and are eager to get a piece of the Iraqi pie.

Unable to spell beer, Australia is, of course, backing Bush, no matter what the United Nations ultimately does. Poland, Spain and Italy also have offered moral support and k rations of their native dishes, if not explicit promises of troops or other material help. Since the modern nation state is not concerned with morality except as a rhetorical tool their support amounts to nothing.

Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld frequently hints at a greater number of private corporate commitments. Rumsfeld led a huge rally was held outside the Chicago Mercantile Exchange on Tuesday. Acompanied on the podium by executives from 11 major oil companies, the presidents of GM, Ford and Mitsubishi, CEOs of major utilities, Rumsfeld whipped up hundreds of oil futures traders, thousands of SUV owners and truck drivers to the chant "What do we want?" "OIL!" "When do we want it?" "NOW!" Rumsfeld then bared his huge canines and bit the fuel line of a Ford Explorer and sucked the car into a shriveled mass of metal to the roar of an adoring crowd and prostrate press.

``In their defense, I don't think I know if they've actively gone out at least publicly to gather the coalition,'' Diddler said.

``I think there may well be a vast coalition if we continue to spend our bribe money wisely; if we get the U.N. Security Council to take an IOU, if we seriously try to quid pro quos to members, and if Iraqi oil doesn't dry up overnight. But you know I was in the Clinton administration and this world domination thing took a back seat to bubble economies and blow jobs. It was the Club Med presidency."

copyright 1936 The Assassinated Press

"All warfare is cruel, and those who engage in it must expect to reap cruelty. The Rifis ill treated, and no doubt in some cases murdered, the Spanish and French prisoners. The French and the Spanish dropped hundreds of tons of high-explosive bombs upon the villages of the Rifis and Jibala. The Spaniards used gas. But in my opinion the most cruel, the most wanton and the most unjustifiable act of the whole war was the bombing of the undefended town of Sheshuan (Chechaouen) in 1925--- when every male inhabitant capable of bearing arms was known to be absent--- by a squadron of volunteer American airmen with the French Flying Corps. A number of absolutely defenceless women and children were massacred and many others were maimed and blinded." Walter B. Harris