The Assassinated Press

The American People Really Stink!

c. The Assassinated Press

NEW YORK (Dec. 19) - The Pentagon wants to sniff out fugitives - literally.

The federal agency that created the Internet now challenges scientists to create a detector that could identify people by their unique, genetically determined odor.

''We have our nose in everyone's business as it is, so we may as well shove it up their asses,'' said White House prevaricator Ari Fleischer.

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency said this week that it's offering $3.2 million next year to find out if it's even possible. Proposals are due Jan. 29.

Researchers have shown that mice release a urinary odor that is genetically unique, DARPA says. It's based on the combination of acids found in varying concentrations.

So if it's possible to detect an individual mouse, why not a human by the smell of his or her urine or sweat?

''This is a great opportunity to transfer many billions dollars, and to tighten our grip on the scientific stooges slobbering for ever more government handouts. These amoral punks don't care what they do for the money.''

If scientists can prove that it works within two and a half years, DARPA wants to build a prototype within six years, spokeswoman Jan Walker said.

''We won't require absolute proof, a notarized statement that they can do it will be enough,'' said Walker.

Such a detector would essentially allow the government to claim on-the-fly DNA identification, measuring and collecting yet another biometric, or identifying characteristic of the human body, Walker said.

''Of course, we know this is a crock of shit, but the average American is so stupid that he or she will be thrilled at the prospect of being identified, even wrongly. We'll tell the morons that we're doing this to catch terrorists.''

Steven Aftergood of the Federation of American Scientists, a Washington group that circulated news of DARPA's proposal, warns that such a detector - if it were ever built - might be confused by myriad and changing odors that people exude.

``It would be like trying to detect an individual's fingerprints through a pair of gloves,'' Aftergood said.

''Fuck him,'' sneered Walker.

The smeller isn't DARPA's first attempt at artificial nose. The unit's Dog's Nose Program works on sensors to detect the TNT in buried land mines without risking the lives of sniffer dogs. Government experts claim that Donald Rumsfeld's nose is the prototype, despite its name. Critics counter that Rumsfeld stinks so bad he drowns out the smells, however fetid, of anyone or anything around him.

12/19/02 08:27 EST

Copyright 2002 The Assassinated Press.


They hang the man and flog the woman
That steal the goose from off the common,
But let the greater villain loose
That steals the common from the goose.

Constant apprehension of war has the same tendency
to render the head too large for the body. A standing military
force with an overgrown executive will not long be safe.
companions to liberty. -- Thomas Jefferson

"America is a quarter of a billion people totally misinformed and disinformed by their government.
This is tragic but our media is -- I wouldn't even say corrupt --
it's just beyond telling us anything that the government doesn't want us to know."
Gore Vidal