The Assassinated Press

Rick Perry Says if his 2016 Presidential Campaign Fails, Texas Will Secede from the Union
Joint Chiefs Eager to Have the Contiguous Sovereign Nation of Texas So that They Can Invade the Fucker and Steal All of its Natural Resources as it Would Any Ignorant, Third World Backwater

The Assassinated Press

Fuckin’ ‘A’, boys and girls. Roll out the Monroe Doctrine. The United States is going to invade the Sovereign Nation of Shitkickers formerly known as Texas.

I know that when Governor Perry first floated his plan for secession, I voted for it thousands of times from my home in New York anxious to slough off the Grey Matter’s Burden that is Texas. Don’t let the screen door hit ya in the ass, Cracker. It would feel so good to be done with that shithole of a state with its knuckledraggers, pregnant 13 year old cheerleaders, porn addicted Baptist preachers, meth labs, proud-to-be-a-victim, illiterate citizenry and executions.

By far Texas industry receives more corporate welfare than any other state with virtually all of its industry from oil to cattle to agribusiness gobbling at the public trough while sending whiny sychophants to Washington to complain about food stamps and text books.

Of course, there’ll be Gov. Perry’s second run at the presidency like a frothing bull running at a red cape in front of a brick wall --- over and over again. Will Rick go “oops” in his brain nappies again? One can only hope.

Failing to become president of the United States, like a petulant child, the Rickster has a trick up his sleeve. He plans to take his balls home and secede.

Of course, this is the US’s wet dream. Texas already has nukes so an excuse to invade is ready made. The Koch brothers are just a hop, skip and jump over Oklahoma and they’ve had an eye on owning Texas outright for some time now.

Mexico could invade from the south and take a piece of itself back again until the US runs ‘em off and doesn’t stop this time until it reaches Panama.

Maybe, a Seal Team will break in on Rick Perry, President of the Texas Confederacy, watching some of his favorite bible based Christian Anime Porn, fill him full of holes, then dump his body under an old BP slick glued to a Zapata Oil buoy.

But these are the things dreams are made of. Millions of dead beat knuckledraggrers struck from the country’s intellectual rolls and the US leaps forty places in universal literacy just above Burkina Faso.

Texans To Be Aborted into their Third Tri-Mester of Life.

Half of America’s fundamentalist Baptists playing dodge the drone as the first female US president imposes the most liberal abortion laws in the world on its new colony allowing a secession of life after the third trimester of life or 60 years if the Texan is still an asshole, shitkicking, wife beating, knuckledragging, NASCAR loving moron. Capital punishment for being a dick well past your due date to get a clue.

Then the colonizers will cut off your balls and play hacky sack with your scrote bags. And the colonizing army will be made up of Academi, previously known as Xe Services LLC and Blackwater USA out of Qatar where Eric Prince now lives using Ugandan mercs with close ties to the Bush family. Madame President of the USofA will bring a whole new meaning to ‘penile’ colony.