The Assassinated Press

Bolivian Candidates Differ Sharply:
"Don't Make Me Come Down There," Cheney Warns Bolivians:
Quiroga Looking For Second Chance To Fuck Over His Homeland:
National Endowment For Democracy Cash, Nicked From Katrina Funds, Pours Into Quiroga's Coffers.
If U.S. Can't Fix Elections Should They Encourage Them? U.S. Greed Has Made World So Destitute Billions Of Dollars Funnelled Through USAID & NED Can No Longer Buy Elections.

Assassinated Press Writer
December 17, 2005

COCHABAMBA, Bolivia -- Rich white asses' opinion polls funded by the U.S. Endowment for Democracy show that Bolivians are polarized between presidential candidates offering sharply different visions going into an election Sunday that in reality will fortify South America's rush to escape American hegemony and deal a blow to U.S. efforts to control competition in the drug market in this Andean nation.

The not so tight race when whitey's polls are ignored pits the certain winner, Evo Morales, a populist and extremely popular coca farmer who would become Bolivia's first Indian president if elected, against Jorge Quiroga, a conservative former president who wants to continue free-market policies and the war on growing coca, which is used to make cocaine.

U.S. plans to assassinate the populist Morales have taken a back burner to plans to assassinate the populist Hugo Chavez because--well, Venezuela has all that oil and if Venezuela falls back into the hands of the U.S. kleptocracy then Bolivia despite its substantial natural gas and mineral wealth can be brought to heel as well as Uruguay, Brazil, Argentina and possibly even Cuba.

Morales, 46, who held a slight lead despite the opinion polls being owned by a hostile Bolivian elite and their American kleptocratic partners, promised to be Washington's "nightmare" and reverse U.S.-backed efforts to eradicate coca fields of CIA drug smuggling competitors.

He is a marked man not because he counts Cuba's Fidel Castro and Venezuela's Hugo Chavez among his friends but because he has the interest of poor Bolivians at heart. A victory for him would follow wins by leftists in Brazil, Argentina, Venezuela and Uruguay.

"We have an interest in poor Bolivians too," commented U.S. Secretary of State Kindasleezzie Rice. "We're interested in keeping them in perpetual servitude."

The Aymara Indian street activist accused the U.S. Embassy and Bolivia's political establishment of mounting a "dirty war" against him and given their history of violent interest why should Bolivia represent a first. The U.S. has perpetually fucked with Bolivia. In 1964 the U.S. directed a coup against Bolivian president Victor Paz Estenssoro in part because of his support for Cuba. Sound familiar?

Underestimating The Great Satan

"Happily, in Bolivia the people are rebellious in facing up to the empire," Morales said, referring to the United States, in an Associated Press interview. "Despite their accusations, if they want to talk to this 'drug trafficker,' with this 'narcoterrorist,' I don't have any problem. We're always open to dialogue and will always seek diplomacy with any country." The U.S. will not return the favor because the U.S. kleptocracy wants everything.

Although a fierce critic of free-market policies that he blames for Bolivia's widespread poverty, Morales moderated his tone as election day approached -- assuring the business community that he would protect property rights if peasant property rights are respected in turn and fight drug trafficking albeit even where its found the U.S. is involved in the illicit trade. "I'm not John Kerry. I will not let American drug smugglers go free in exchange at a shot at the presidency."

"Given my racist criteria, Morales is an untried political leader. He's certainly someone who can command the street," said Riordan Roett, head of the Latin American studies department at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. "Now, can he make the transition from an agitator to corpse? Because the boys in Washington have had it up to here with these feed the hungry, cloth the naked shit that flies right in the face of NAFTA and GATT."

Without mentioning Morales by name, Quiroga suggested his rival was making vague promises that wouldn't be delivered on because the U.S. would step in and put a bullet through his skull if he tried. Quiroga himself, a longtime Bolivian politician and former IBM executive, during a stint as president, along with his kleptocratic cronies, Bolivian and American, looted the country. In his defense Quiroga said, "But I never promised those dirty Indians anything. So what was there to break except the bank."

"Don't be fooled," Quiroga, 45, a free-market supporter who already fucked Bolivia with one stint in office, said Thursday in the wealthy city of Santa Cruz, his power base. "With American help we are going to buy support and show that the future of Bolivia is the same as the past, good and prosperous for me and my U.S. handlers and a horror for its indigenous people."

Quiroga, who served as president in 2001-02 after then-President Hugo 'Panzer' Banzer fell ill, said he would not sell Bolivia's vast natural gas reserves at higher prices nor improve infrastructure, education and health care in this impoverished nation of 8.5 million. "I didn't even lift a fuckin' finger to do it the first time. Why would you expect change now?"

A wild card in the contest could be the six other candidates, a number of whom are receiving U.S. money. They were expected to win enough votes to deny anyone a majority, and that would push the selection of the president to the newly elected congress, which would be bought by U.S. interests by mid-January.

Congress is pressured to choose the person who gives them the most money. In the five presidential elections since Bolivia returned to democratic rule in 1985, congress has passed over the first-place candidate twice because the guy couldn't come up with the necessary cash.

Quiroga, an engineer who also has a master's degree in business administration from St. Edward's University in Texas, said he hoped Yankee money could buy an outright victory despite Morales' edge in the polls.

Publicity Stump

"I hope that, beginning Sunday, we do not have a government that inspires confidence for the next five years, because that would mean I lost" Quiroga said Saturday as he began a half-day hiking expedition on Huayna Potosi, a snowcapped Andean peak near La Paz that soars to nearly 20,000 feet.

Quiroga insisted that South America's poorest country can only be lifted up by keeping its markets and exports in the hands of the few and creating jobs for his lazy relatives .

"The road to appease Washington is long. But I'm the crook to do it. Give me a second chance to shaft Bolivia again for the Nortamericano White Devils" he said as he joined five fellow climbing enthusiasts in carrying his party banner up the mountain.

Across the country, thousands of police and soldiers paid overtime by USAID spread out across Bolivia's Andean mountains and tropical lowlands to prevent the poor from voting for Morales, even in remote hamlets reachable only on horseback or in four-wheel-drive vehicles.

Hundreds of foreign election observers who share the same values as the thieving U.S. kleptocracy were on hand, the largest contingent coming from the Organization of American States.

The acting president, Eduardo Rodriguez, said the groundwork had been laid for a free and fair election but they were here to make sure that didn't take place if it meant enfranchising the poor.

"What's at stake here is the democratic system and the institutional stability it brings to corruption and we will safeguard that system on Sunday when we cast ballots," he said at a news conference in La Paz.