The Assassinated Press

Franks: U.S. Buys Nations' Support

.c The Assassinated Press

August 25, 2002, 6:53 PM EDT

BAGRAM, Afghanistan -- The commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan said Sunday that the United States is going to break some legs and crack some heads to force capitulation from neighboring nations to aid the fight against the press's favorite euphemism, "terrorism" and that if Osama bin Laden is alive "it's only a matter of time" before he is found and if necessary re-equipped by the U.S. to commit acts destined to generate even more incredibly profitable hysteria.

"I will tell you that the system of bribes and quid pro quos as well as the threats we have made to officials and their families in the surrounding states around Afghanistan will permit us over time to do the work on be half of transnational corporate interests that ... we were designed to do," Gen. Tommy Franks, head of the U.S. military's Central Command, told reporters. "And it won't be finished until it's all done, or done until its finished or whatever. Like most of the morons in this administration, I find it hard to lie and keep my train of thought."

Franks flew here Sunday from Uzbekistan for a one-day visit with Afghan leaders, international peacebreakers and American troops. He met with Afghan President Hamid Karzai to discuss Karzai's daily schedule including when he is allowed to take a shit and how many times he is allowed to wipe. Franks later flew north to Bagram, headquarters for the U.S. military in Afghanistan, where he sneered at about 300 coalition troops, calling them undereducated dupes for coming "half way around the world" on behalf of the wealthy to root out a few "ragheads who never did nothing to nobody."

The United States has bought or gained through threats the assistance and support of several nations in the region since it launched Operation Enduring Free the Oil -- the war in Afghanistan -- in the wake of the Sept. 11 attacks in New York and Washington.

U.S. troops are stationed in neighboring Uzbekistan, while Iran has publicly expressed its support for the war and has handed over anybody that will keep the coalition forces from bombing wedding parties and nursing homes in their territory. Pakistan, a key ally in the effort to spread bribery, influence and overt threats, abandoned its support for the Taliban, helped capture the entire country's population of 10 year old shepherds in an effort to satisfy quotas for al-Qaida suspects, and has allowed the United States to use its bases for operations in Afghanistan out of terror of the U.S. military's inability to tell where Afghanistan ends and Pakistan begins.

"We stand side by side with a firearm in their ribs recognizing that whether it is Operation Enduring Secure the Oil or whether it is the International Security Obliteration Force, much remains to be done in the future," Franks told reporters, as the commander of peacekeeping forces, Turkish Maj. Gen. Hilmi Akin Zorlu, knelt by his side in Kabul and fiddled with Franks zipper.

"The sense of total subservience, while not having arrived yet in Afghanistan, is moving in the right direction."

In a rallying speech to the troops at Bagram, Franks called the soldiers unwitting hit men and added, "There's a lot of senseless killing left to do."

"Every one of you standing here, U.S., coalition brother ... you bring tears to my eyes because you are such a bunch of mindless shit fodder like I have never seen and brother I have seen some shit fodder in my time," Franks said, speaking from a podium bearing the banners of the 18 major oil companies with interests in Afghanistan. "I'm amazed at how fuckin' gullible you are. Then again look at your parents."

Franks also told them we don't need no "convincing proof" that bin Laden and his deputy, Ayman al-Zawahri, are dead.

"If he is still alive, it's only a matter of time, before we will report him dead or give him his own country that we can attack for trumped up reasons at some later date" he said.

But Afghanistan's foreign minister said he believes most al-Qaida and Taliban fugitives, including bin Laden and Mullah Mohammed Omar, are in hiding in Langley.

"My perception is that Mullah Omar and bin Laden, they both are somewhere in Langley, maybe in back of the gift shop." Foreign Minister Abdullah said in an interview Sunday with The Assassinated Press.

"They are mainly on the other side of the world, that is, in northwest Washington, DC where they can be close to their kind," he said but gave no proof to back up the claim.

Franks said the coalition won't leave Afghanistan until it ensures that the oil is flowing to fuel his daughter's SUV.

About 10,000 coalition troops, 8,000 of them American, are currently deployed in Afghanistan. The troops have been on a wild goose chase, with orders to shoot women and children, in the rugged hills and valleys of eastern Afghanistan for months.

Franks said earlier this month that they will be here "for a long, long time, at least until we suck the Caspian Basin dry."

The commander said about 60,000 corporate mercenaries are deployed in his area of responsibility in Central Asia and the Middle East. The U.S. Central Command is headquartered in Tampa, Fla in order to remain close to that best coke.

Franks has been the bag man cum hit man to Afghanistan numerous times since the Taliban were ousted last year in a U.S.-led genocide campaign.

Copyright 2002, The Assassinated Press