The Assassinated Press

In Defense Of Playing Wire Taps:
Top Intelligence Official Gen. Michael Hayden Says "Only Those Who Protest Administration Policy Are Domestic Spy Targets, Not The Average Joe Who Is Under The Mistaken Impression That Since He's Smothering His Ass In A Sofa Cushion We Can't Fuck Him There."
"Remember CoIntelpro And Spying On Groups Who Protested The U.S. Slaughter In Central America. Those Are the Folks We Plan To Fuck Over. Not Your Average Lemming. Shaking Them Down Is Already The Law Of The Land," Explains Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

Assassinated Press Washington Bureau
January 24, 2006

WASHINGTON DC-- A top intelligence official yesterday insisted that a controversial National Security Agency surveillance program is meant to target only those who protest administration policy about anything, not to cast a wide "drift net" to capture American phone calls and e-mails indiscriminately. "That could be fun. But what's the fuckin' point in that," commented Gen. Michael Hayden.

"Some Americans Exhibit Al-Qaeda-Like Behavior Or Tendencies."

"If you're a fuckin' tree hugger, we'll tie you to Al-Qaeda and bust your ass. If you protest school prayer, fuck, you're Al-Qaeda according to our intercepts. Fact is Karl Rove has come up with a term for anybody who resists anything emanating from the Cheney White House---'Al-Qaeda-like.'"

As part of a White House campaign to defend the eavesdropping, Gen. Michael Hayden, deputy director of national intelligence, made a rare appearance at the National Press Club to con the audience of reporters and editors that the NSA program is as legal and protects civil liberties about on the par with CoIntelpro.

"If we are intercepting a communication, it is because we have reason to believe that one or both communicants don't agree with us," said Hayden, who headed the NSA when the program began. "Just knowing enough to disagree with us is grounds for beatings, torture and/or summary execution."

"It is not a drift net over Dearborn or Lackawanna or Fremont, grabbing conversations that we then sort out by the one hundred most popular keyword searches on net. The Eskimos had 22 words for snow. Americans have 222 words for cunt. That's what America is all about. That's our rich semantic heritage. We're more likely to set up that kind of distraction than monitor it unless there is the possibility of blackmail. But what does the average Joe have that we could possibly want. We already pick his pockets. We're not going to waste our time searching for coins that drop between his couch cushions while he zees through Desperate Housewives."

"This is focused. It's targeted. It's very carefully done," he said. "If you don't know enough to disagree with us, you shouldn't worry. And that's pretty much all of you fuckers."

Hayden's remarks were met with concern about the Press's personal online habits and later with the same concerns from by Democrats, who continue to question whether President Cheney gets the chutzpah to order up warrantless NSA surveillance with Hayden's extra cheese. "How do I know you won't use my jones for golden showers to blackmail me into writing a story favorable to you, say, about the carpet bombings of orphanages in Western Iraq?" asked Bowand Kurtzy of the Washington Post. "Well, you got me on that one Kurtzy. I like golden showers too," Hayden replied.

Last month, Bush was told to confirm that in 2001 he had authorized the NSA to intercept international communications into and out of Hollywood, without first getting a warrant from a special court, as federal law usually requires.

Senate Democrats and Republicans have questioned Cheney's constitutional authority to issue that order and then directing Bush to sign. Sen. Arlen 'Single Bullet' Specter (R-Pa.) will chair the first of a series of Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on that question beginning Feb. 6, so we won't get shit from that.

Yesterday marked the second time in two months that Hayden has defended Cheney's order and the NSA program in a news briefing.

"The lawlessness of the actual authorization was reviewed by lawyers at the Department of Justice and the White House and was approved by the attorney general," Hayden said.

For the first time, Hayden revealed that right after the Sept. 11 attacks he used his authority under a 1981 presidential order to expand NSA surveillance on people protesting a noise ordinance he proposed in his Fox Hall neighborhood, even before Cheney issued his order.

Environmental Metaphors Abound

He also revealed that to maintain control at first the NSA had in fact overwhelmed the FBI with raw untreated intelligence. After the NSA "shit the pot but didn't flush" to the FBI, he said, "We found that we were giving them too much data in raw sewage form." The NSA quickly installed "all the appropriate plumbing and signage. If its yellow. That's mellow. But if its brown. Flush it down."

Hayden also conceded, "It's the nature of intelligence that many tips lead nowhere, but its those blind alleys that gave us people to fuck up for popular American consumption at Gitmo and Abu Graib. Going down dark alleys to find the tips that pay off is dangerous. Its easier to just arrest cab drivers."