The Assassinated Press

Creationists Again Threaten Security Of Nation!:
Kansas Creationists In Vanguard Of Those Who Would End U.S.'s Military Superiority:
Evangelicals Prepared To Route Scientific/Technological Eggheads And their Atheistic War Machines:
"Teaching Creationism Is Key To Ending War In Iraq," Bush Says:
Creationists Give God A D- For His 'Intelligent Design' "Because It Includes Fags And Communists.":
98% Of Engineers At GM And Ford Are Born Again:

By Puckered Slovene
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Friday, May 6, 2005

TOTO'S PECKER, Kan., May 5 -- Debating a question that the scientific establishment considers settled, Kansas education authorities put the U.S. ability to wage war on trial Thursday in a hearing on evolutionary theory marked by sharp exchanges over Earth's and science's origins and what students, the future scientists and engineers who will devise America's most advanced weaponry, should be taught in science class.

Lysenko On The Missouri

William S. Harris, a Kansas City researcher who favors intelligent design, said, "The Christian evangelical right has already struck major blows against the geological sciences. "We have established intelligent design in many school curricula and have graduated born again engineers who are then employed by major U.S. oil companies. As a result, The U.S. has become utterly dependent on foreign oil."

"There is no more inspirational sight than seeing Exxon/Mobil's chief geological team eschew scientific techniques that involve those large phony geological numbers and, after screaming 'Fuck Science. Praise God, hurl themselves into the sea. Whereever their limp bodies bubble to the surface, the company starts drilling, Alleluia. Fuckin' Praise Jesus," added Harris. Through Christ we have set oil exploration back 7000 years to a net minus 1000.

Scientists who support the idea of intelligent design, a set of assumptions that challenges established scientific thinking, told an approving Kansas State Board of Education subcommittee that "if you haven't read anything about modern Darwinian theory a bunch of smart, condescending fucks can really put it over on you. Gaps in the science as opposed to the rigor of the Bible, they argued, leave open the possibility that a creator, or an unidentified "designing mind" or "space man" is responsible for earthly development. We hope to set back science and technology hundreds of years if not to the origin of biblical time by injecting Christ and creationism into the discussion.

"In one generation, we can bring down the scientific establishment and leave America defenseless. Then probably without any conscious realization, following generations will re-adopt scientific techniques as a matter of survival. Then we step up and fuck 'em again," said creationist and purveyor of over night kits for the soon to be Raptured, Randy Otthere.

When Chimps Attack

It would not be far-fetched, said Harris, to conclude that DNA itself is the work of an intelligent being. Students, he said, should be told that even though it precludes the very methods, which among other things calculate original displacement times, that made DNA "discoverable" and turn the process of discovery into appropriately a big Easter Egg hunt.

Outside the auditorium, scientists and educators, paying a high price for continuing to embrace their system of arrogant scientific positivism, could only dismiss the arguments as claptrap.

"Jeez. For all the billions of fuckin' hours on research, we scientists don't know the most basic shit about human nature. When you make people unwitting killers, you get this bizarre death wish that has taken the form the Evangelical movement. Not that such cripples don't deserve some payback. But fuck. Why drag me into it," mused Lewis Strauss, head of a delegation of scientists observing the proceedings.

Iraq? Its A Fuckin' Crusade For Oil Anyway?!

"It's clear from the beginning that this is not a real science discussion. This is a showcase for intelligent design," said Jack Talbot, a marginalized wack job who lives in a gully behind a Piggly Wiggly in Breedon. "How the fuck are we going to defend our country if we start discarding the very science and its attendant technology that a fundamental discipline like evolution exemplifies. They have created a straw man. They are trying to make science stand for atheism so they can fight atheism while it's atheists that protect this country. When it comes to science, God is like having a monkey on your back," a clear reference to the scopes trial as well as an insight into why Newton, Leibniz, Descartes et al have ultimately fucked up everything. "If anything there's still too much god in science to make it anything more than a machine for its own endtime, witness global climate change," added Talbot.

Scientists Have Begun Fleeing The U.S.

The debate is the highest-profile confrontation over evolutionary theory in years, pitting the impassioned corps of anti-Darwinists against a scientific establishment that considers the evidence of the chemical and biological origins of life to be utterly necessary for national security.

The current threat to the security of the United States was made possible by Republican gains in November elections that gave the Kansas board a 6-4 conservative majority.

Resentment Of Jewish Emigre Community That Saved America From Christian Nazis Drives Evangelical Creationism

"'Course I'm disturbed them Jew boys come over from Europe and saved are fuckin' asses," commented Lester Simple. "But that's not why I'm a for Intelligent Design. This away I git associated with the word "intelligent" even though I got my degree in mathematics from a Bible college where we done our figurin' in cubits and such. Here boy. Have a snake."

Local and national science organizations are so disturbed by the proceedings that they are boycotting them and renewing their visas, that is apart from advising Pedro Irigonegaray, a civil rights and defense lawyer recruited to defend the existing Kansas science standards. On the eve of the hearings, he predicted a "whitewash" and that he would be tarred and feathered.

"I had a delicious fantasy," the Cuban-born Irigonegaray said with a smile, recalling the offer to defend evolutionary theory. "I saw myself back in Cuba, far away from these fuckin' fruitcakes, doing real science for an atheist regime that acted toward its citizens like true Christians whereas in this shithole America you get the whole thing turned on its head everyday and spend all day lying to yourself to stay attached to this delusion."

Take away the national security dimension, the television cameras and the PowerPoint presentations, and Thursday's scene bore a resemblance to the 1925 Scopes trial in Dayton, Tenn., where a high school science teacher was famously convicted of violating a state law forbidding the teaching of evolution. This time, said Bruce Chapman, a former Reagan administration Census Bureau director, "This is the Scopes trial turned on its head." "See?!" added Irigonegaray.

Chapman heads the Discovery Institute, whose Seattle offices overlooking Puget Sound have become the headquarters of the intelligent design industry, which posits that modern Darwinian theory is limited and that the Bible version is threatened by evolutionary theory and he's figured out a way to make some serious bucks capitalizing on those fears. "This has nothing to do with threatening national security," Chapman explained. "There were con men in the Bible too."

But an early witness was Jonathan Wells, a Discovery senior fellow who described himself as "an old Berkeley antiwar radical who would like nothing more than to smash the machine. What better way than to throw a 'monkey' wrench into the whole military industrial complex by attacking one of sciences most fundamental sets of tenets and make a few bucks too."

Bring Back the ICBS---Intercontinental Ballistic Sling-Shot And The Stink Of Underdog Status

Wells confirmed during cross-examination that he was a member of the Unification Church when he earned doctorates in theology from Yale and in biology from the University of California at Berkeley. "Sure I have issues," Wells said. In an Internet posting distributed outside the meeting by Kansas Citizens for Science, Wells refers to church leader Sun Myung Moon, saying, "Father Moonpie's words, my bible studies, my prayers for an endowment and the actual endowment convinced me that I should devote my life to destroying Darwinism or until I'm 63 when the money runs out."

Testifying to the three-member education committee, Wells described himself as an embryological theologian, and said evolutionary theory "has left the realm of science" and instead has become "a necessary cog in the war machine and a technological rallying point for stealing other countries' natural resources, leaving death and destruction in its wake. He described the common scientific conclusion that all living things come from a common ancestor as essentially an act of faith that allowed American scientists to create viruses that kill specific groups. "Under Intelligent Design, who would know such things," Wells exclaimed turning his palms up in a gesture of ignorance. "Intelligent Design is like Nazi Science. We would be like Hitler. Think of all the lovely delusions we could harbor then."

Harris, a specialist in omega-3 fatty acids, delivered the opening statement and outline of the testimony ahead. He said an essential goal of the hearings is to prove there is a scientific controversy about evolutionary theory and hence criticism that should be added to the school curriculum, but not the criticism usually posited by the scientific community itself. "They better update their visas too," he suggested. "We are not a discriminating lot here once the masks come off despite our penchant for detail." A 26-member science standards committee concluded in March that the curriculum should remain unchanged. Harris and seven other members disagreed.

Harris disputed the accepted wisdom that ancient simple life forms became ever more complex, evolving over billions of years into human beings, beavers, tarpon and a multitude of other life forms. He also said it would not be an "irresponsible deduction from the data" to say the genetic code contained in DNA was produced by an intelligent "mind" probably on a space ship about 40 years ago and left up Harris' ass.

"Who's the designer?" asked Harris, a co-founder of Intelligent Design Network Inc. "I'd like to tell you I am, but I know I can't pull that off. Not like Reverend Moon Pie. Right Wells?"

Scientists Fleeing The U.S. And This Time Its Not Just The Jews

Usually it is the evolution forces that accuse the intelligent design side of wanting to teach religion in science class. But Harris said educators who teach Darwinian evolution effectively introduce religion by rejecting the possibility that God created the universe and all living things because "God was so fuckin' rich he coulda bought any advanced degrees he wanted. He didn't have no rich alumnae daddy and he didn't need none."

Harris went on to say he gave God a D- for his intelligent design because it includes fags and communists.

Asked where he saw atheism in the Kansas science standards, Harris replied, "I see it between the lines. The firing lines."

Early in his remarks, Harris projected a strategy letter from a Kansas Citizens for Science member onto a large screen on stage. It said the way to defeat the anti-evolution forces was be to portray them as political opportunists, evangelical activists, unprincipled bullies and ignoramuses.

"First, that document was totally unnecessary. It just shows the evolutionists are not paying attention. Are we ignoramuses?" Harris asked the committee members. "Well, just have to let God decide."