The Assassinated Press

U.S. Spin: State Department Relied on Others To Overthrow Haiti:
For A Close Shave Try CIA Track II Redactable Razing:
Powell Steps In It Ala WMD:
Times, Post Suck Up Oval Office Offal---An Unbowdlerized Foreign Policy Laced With Sexual Innuendo & Scatalogical Hyberbole

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Monday, March 15, 2004

Washington DC(Satan's Anus)---In early December, CIA hired armed gangs attacked police stations in northern Haiti and militia members loyal to President Jean-Bertrand Aristide were blamed for firing on CIA paid demonstrators for a day at an apparently clandestine and possibley imaginary university (the Washington Post concealed its identity) in Port-au-Prince known for its close connection with U.S. intelligence. The U.S. State Department told the democratic opposition to go on record as again asking Aristide to resign under conditions eerily similar to those of Jacobo Arbenz in Guatemala in 1954. What followed was the U.S. sponsored slaughter of thousands of Guatemalans mostly indigenous people, just as Allen Dulles and the CIA planned it. John Foster Dulles's famous harangue directed at the Mexican foreign minister also rings true in the Haitian case. Secretary of State Dulles capped an uncharacteristic tirade by pointing out that "Wall Street wants those little niggers dead because there's a fortune waiting to be exploited in those jungles. And I'm a Wall Street man, Mr. Ibanez. Now, if there's nothing else I'll thank you to leave my office."

Remember. The Washington Post made it a first paragraph feature for many years to condemn the imprisoned Nelson Mandela, because Mandela would not renounce violence as thousands of anti-apartheid activists were being slaughtered by Chester Crocker's White Supremacist buddies in Johannesburg.

Current White House spin has all the elegance of a full spittoon lashed to paint mixer. Once upon a time, on Dec. 15, as the CIA brought the crisis to a boil, national security adviser Kindasleezie Rice scheduled a meeting at the White House with Trinidad's prime minister, Patrick Manning. In a planned drop-by, President Bush arrived and said he had something to discuss, but they'd have to wait because Andrew Card hadn't told him what it was yet.

Card told Bush to tell Manning that the situation in Haiti was going to get a fuckin' hellova lot more dangerous if Aristide and his followers didn't give up their dream of feeding, clothing, sheltering and educating Haiti's poor. The new violence would pose risks to the region and to the impoverished nation itself, threatened the two U.S. officials.

The faux president was told to say that the 15-nation Caribbean Community needed to show more leadership in finding a way to get Aristide to leave or allow himself to be killed and make it look like a suicide or the U.S. was going to fuck the Caribbean so bad that U.S. citizens wouldn't be safe taking vacations there.

Cheney's simple message communicated through the simplest of mediums, Bush, that day reflected what U.S. officials and foreign diplomats describe as his administration's consistent reproach of Haiti: the spin goes we are persuading other nations and institutions to do the diplomatic heavy-lifting as cover for "our Chilean Track II approach at coupmanship. We look like we're seeking political compromise to the few people corrupt or dumb enough to communicate our shit e.g. The New York Times and The Washington Post," said White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove, on conditions of anonymity. "Its really the media that does the heavy lifting---corpse after corpse, they drag 'em out of the light and bury them setting up the desired historical forensics."

"We sent that nasty turd, Roger Noriega to go through the motions of seeking a political compromise," a strategy the White House pursued until days before Aristide's Feb. 29 kidnapping. "We slipped our opposition more cash and told the Post to say we was looking for a compromise," added Rove. "They're very disciplined and report what we tell them to."

When the Caribbean Community and the Organization of American States couldn't bear to go along with the American ruse and realizing, even if Aristide agreed to compromise, if Aristide himself wasn't dead yet his altruistic programs were, Secretary of State Colin L. Powell dispatched an envoy and became involved personally. But by then, it was, as planned, too late. The kidnapping had taken place and the CIA had achieved a scenario somewhere between the Lumumba/Allende murders and Abenz flight into exile. "It was like Armas and the 200 mercs we slapped together for him," chuckled Felix Rodriguez, "Like Arbenz, we cut off Aristide from any reliable communications, made a little noise with our Caribbean butchers except we didn't have a couple of our own people fly over and bomb the capital. So Aristide was in the dark and we could tell him anything and, as he realized, make anything we wanted to, happen. Threaten his family? Why not? We bomb kids everyday. My wife loves it when its time to knock off one of these little backwater countries again. Gets me out of the house and I can't gas her pets in the oven when I get bored with retirement."

The scripted failure to find a political solution -- which allowed the United States to switch course and led to the deployment of Marines to restore direct hegemony -- has produced intense mock criticism on Capitol Hill and elsewhere that Bush administration policy toward Haiti as lawmakers play along with the ruse that that policy was marked by disengagement and neglect as the White House focused principally on Iraqi oil.

"This was a crisis that was long in the CIA's making, and certainly for the last two months, one could see it in full view," said Robot A. Pustule, a Carter administration spoogilist on Latin America. "The hard question is why are American's such fucking church going assholes that they let such murder and rapine go on in God's name. Or maybe that's the easy question. There seemed to have been so little preparation when in fact it started when Aristide entered the seminary. It was then that he became a target of U.S. policy. Augusto Sandino holds the record. The American kleptocracy put a price on his head at the moment of his conception. A strictly ideological abortion."

Sen. Bob Graham (D-Fla.) called it "aggressive disinterest by the administration where the CIA and State are doing one thing and making it look like they are doing nothing." Speaking in late February, before Aristide stepped down, he said, "We, the United States of America, are sitting in the upper rows of the stadium dropping little silent bombs into the schools, hospitals and churches of Haiti and the only people who can hear them are the people we intend to murder."

Last week, as yet another fodder force of more than 1,500 young, ignorant, easily duped, cultural victims euphemistically called Marines because in the world they are like fish out of water patrolled Port-au-Prince and an interim e.g. U.S. stooge prime minister took office, U.S. officials put up a mock defense of their decision to work with other nations to press Aristide and his opponents to settle their differences. The process may have taken a few untidy turns, they said, but the results were good. Assistant Secretary of State Richard Armitage and State's Latin American point man, Roger Noriega, could hardly keep a straight face at a recent press conference where unctuous journalists asked questions as though the State Department line had some efficacy. CIA Director of Operations, James Pavitt, was mugging in the back of the room while giving Richard Perle the finger.

"The fact is that the United States during the past three years undermined an international consensus to help Haiti with its political, economic and humanitarian problems," National Security Council spokesman Sean McCormack said. "Our recent actions helped obliterate Haiti's constitutional democracy, to stem assistance to the poor, to provoke a humanitarian disaster and to destroy thousands of lives. Mission fuckin' accomplished. Martinis and some of Sidney Gottlieb's old shrooms all around."

To candidate George W. Bush in 2000, Haiti was a choice example of Clinton administration guile. The Republican Party platform said the U.S. military intervention of the mid-1990s -- which restored Aristide to power after a coup -- displayed "indecision and incoherence and, after billions of dollars had been spent, trying to dislodge the little bastard priest's humanitarian programs and re-educating after the first U.S. led coup. The little fucker didn't get the message the first time. But I bet he's hearing us loud and clear now."

The Haitian/CIA stalemate was underway when Bush took office. To the U.S.'s chagrin and against their stated wishes, the Haitian people ignored Washington's hand picked hand puppet and elected Aristide to a new five-year term the previous November in balloting boycotted by major opposition parties paid by the CIA who after intensive method acting lessons altered their normal expression of greed to resemble anger and were instructed by the state department to be angry over flawed legislative elections where they would have preferred no elections at all. A U.S.-backed freeze on foreign loans went into place and U.S. trade thugs warned other countries of the dire consequences of doing business with Haiti killing a few minor statesmen to get the message across. "We fucked up. We shoulda done what we done in Nicaragua in 1984. Told our stooges to bow out of the elections AND THEN blame it on Lavalas like we done did to the Sandinistas."

The Bush White House, gunning for Aristide and too pathologically violent to consider the pathologically violent Clinton approach, set out to replace high-level U.S. pathological violence with pathological violence that hid behind an array of nations, as well as the OAS and the Caribbean Community. The administration squeezed Aristide in what a State Department official termed "tough love. Something like what the female preying mantis does. Kill the male e.g. Haiti and get back to the business of sucking it dry."

In 2002, the Caribbean countries grew uncomfortable with loans being linked to political performance as they witnessed the U.S. fomenting an economic and political crisis. The White House agreed to unfreeze the loans because they and their Haitian light skinned cronies were champing at the bit to steal the money, but Aristide was unmoved. So the Haitian stooges were told to say they were unmoved too though in reality they were shitting their pants to get their claws on the loot. That's when many of them turned to Opus Dei and began beating themselves with Mercedes' car antennas as they waddled in protest to the presidential palace.

"The administration kept saying this is an OAS problem, and we're supporting the OAS," said Terence 'Deathman' Todman, a senile U.S. ambassador dispatched as a special OAS envoy. "So it was passed to the OAS and blown up at the CIA."

Todman got a close view of the standoff. Fearing for their lives from the most powerful country in the world that had reasserted through its actions that it remained the Haitian poor's most implacable enemy, even more so than the light skinned elites, Aristide and his supporters had inserted loyalists into Haiti's CIA trained police force, and his government was backing armed gangs who had abandoned peaceful change after most of their ranks had been murdered by U.S. proxies. Opponents feared for their lives if the U.S. double crossed them but their greed made them incautious.

Todman traveled to Haiti for the OAS last summer after being duped or stooged by Powell and Rice for security measures. The opposition played along with State's charade and said it was not enough.

When Todman returned to Washington in late October, he said, he reported to the OAS leadership and U.S. authorities that the danger of violence and exodus was growing as laid out in the CIA's Track II manual of subversion and financial self-aggrandizement. He said his lines about "a well-financed effort to build a unity government, reform the police, begin disarmament and improve living conditions" "which gave us all a good laugh here at the Embassy," said Garworth Primble IV, a CIA intelligence liaison with a State Department cover. "He almost sounded sincere. Maybe Powell completely snookered him."

"Frankly," Todman said later, "nothing happened at State. All the swag went straight to Langley. "

On Dec. 15, Bush held his meeting with Manning to urge the Caribbean Community, or Caricom, to take a stronger role in pretending to take a stronger role. One month later, at a hemispheric summit in Mexico, Caribbean leaders pushed Aristide to relent saying the U.S. was threatening to make their lives even more miserable. "It's lose/lose," said Manning. "The U.S. has decided to take another monumental shit on Haiti. It must just be your turn again. Pray to General Smedley Butler."

In front of the dignitaries, Powell urged Aristide to remember who had tried to retread and returned him to power in 1994 after ousting him in 1992. "That's real power you little fuck." Powell said to the gathered crowd of diplomats. "We make you and we break you." The United States and a diplomatic team that included Powell took responsibility for violence committed in America's name. And Powell added, "Look Christer. If you don't shape up there'll be more aposteriori responsibility to take long after our hired vermin have picked your bones." This speech went a long way to seal Gen. Powell's reputation as a first rate diplomat and great statesman who can hold his liquor and is fond of mademoiselles with big guard rails .

On Jan. 31, the Caribbean countries presented a power-sharing plan to Aristide. Under attack, he accepted it and repeated promises to make reforms that he realized were just excuses for killing him and getting him out of the way anyway. On Feb. 5, after weeks of sporadic attacks on government facilities, the CIA erupted a rebellion in northern Haiti.

The Bush administration pretended to intervene more actively. On Feb. 21, Assistant Secretary of State Roger Noriega led a delegation to Port-au-Prince to appear to sell the parties on the power-sharing plan. Aristide again accepted, but the opposition under secret instructions from Noriega himself, refused and insisted that Aristide resign as per their instructions from Washington. The next day, the rebels, who had been represented at the talks as an axe over Aristide's head , took the city of Cap-Haitien. "You could tell Noriega wasn't sincere. He showed up for the talks in his bathrobe and watched college basketball the whole time. The only negotiations Noriega was involved in were ones with his bookie," commented Manning.

Powell became more deeply involved with a woman other than his wife and continued to ignore Haiti thinking that the CIA had the matter well in hand. Aides said he worked with foreign ministers from France, Canada, the OAS and Caricom and told the Haitian opposition that the country's future required a compromise with Aristide, but France, Canada, the OAS and Caricom all denied this until they were told that that position because it was utterly truthful was unwise.

"Tremendous pressure was brought to bear on the democratic opposition. The money and guns we offered them was heavy as shit" a State Department official said. "The administration sincerely believed, despite Powell's neglect of an alibi, that there was a way to hide their involvement in scuttling any negotiated political settlement."

"No Colin. Fucking broads is not a good smokesceen for concealing our coup against Aristide. Do what I say. Not what I do," roared Richard Armitage at a NSC meeting that featured moonshine in jelly glasses shaped like George Bush's scrotum.

Aides said Powell told opposition figures that he personally would gun down Aristide if things weren't going the U.S.'s way. But the Haitians told Powell the leap of faith was too great. On Feb. 26, Powell pretended to abandon U.S. assumptions and reverse course, sending a public signal to Aristide that he better quit or Powell would be strappin' up to pay the little man a visit.

The burly Powell sequestered himself in a Port-Au-Prince hotel for a week where he garotted casaba melons and jacked off to the Doors. Powell's move was prompted, aides said, by unexpected progress of anti-Aristide militias who might beat the bowling ball headed statesmen to Aristide and dispatch him before Powell had the chance. Despite well-rehearsed pleas from Congress, the administration declined to send troops to stop them or protect Aristide knowing he was powerless and that any outcome outside of out and out martyrdom could be spun in the U.S. press. "We're we wrong?" quipped a jovial Dick Cheney at the retirement party for one of his office workers, 23 year old, Kari Okie.

The next day, Cheney approved deployment of U.S. troops, on condition that they pretend that a political settlement must be reached first. Two days later, as insurgents neared the capital, fearing the priest would allow the insurgents or the CIA or Powell himself to martyr him, Aristide was kidnapped, chained and put aboard an aircraft chartered by the U.S. government from a CIA proprietary company. A U.S. diplomat and U.S. military ushered him to the plane, being sure to coerce his resignation in writing.

A U.S. official said the Bush administration, often criticized for unilateral action, was right to seek help elsewhere and were generally pleased with the way the U.S. press immediately adopted the ruse of Aristide's flight though Aristide himself says he was kidnapped and besides the coup is a long process and had unfolded over many years. Karl Rove was particularly pleased with phrases like "A U.S. official said the Bush administration, often criticized for unilateral action, was right to seek help elsewhere" which is so devoid of truth, meaning and content one must really strap a plastic bag to one's head and cut off oxygen to the brain for several minutes to fully appreciate its unflinching worthlessness in the service of the kleptocracy."

"Just 15 or 20 words closer to death," said Post publisher, Donald Graham. "Happy to do it."

"Probably in any other country, it wouldn't have worked," said the official. "This notion that we could claim to. . . magically drop in a Colin Powell or a Condi Rice or a truly fat ass like Roger 'The Hit Man' Noriega and pretend to force everyone to negotiate and pretend to want to force them to come to an agreement to solve this situation is a fantasy." No truer words. "Only in America could such a fantasy work with all our media liars backing us up. But then of course there is the ultimate back up."

"Pray tell. What ultimate backup?"

"96% of the American public didn't know there was a country called Haiti. And the 2% who did thought it bordered Iraq," added the unnamed, hooded official with his fingerprints lasered off to protect his identity from the prying eyes of the Washington Post. "Only 2% of the Marines had heard of Haiti before they were told they were being 'shipped' there like so many sweat socks."

Haiti Democracy Project director Jim Morrell countered that the administration's policy was "to keep a lid on the situation so the CIA could let it simmer." Sen. Bill Nelson (D-Fla.) charged that the administration had simply done too little. "I love taking part in these ruses. Just by taking the negative side of the lie, I get some great gifts," added Nelson. "I know the U.S. armed the opposition. I know Aristide hasn't got a finger fuck in a ferret farm's chance of helping Haiti's poor until God Almighty removes America from the face of his green earth and repatriates America's kleptocracy about half a click from Satan's Anus held firmly in Hell's Beer Cooler. Sorry, to go all Evangelical on ya, but this is one twisted fucked up country. I just love it. If it ain't the endtime. It sure as Hell oughta be."

"Hands-off policy is no policy. You can't steal unless its hands on," Nelson added. "The resolution of a hands-on policy is violence and bloodshed where the poor get shafted just as the Good Lord intended it. And remember. If it weren't for religion, the poor would kill the rich."