The Assassinated Press

Record Bribes Offered For Iraqi Slaughter Support

The Assassinated Press

WASHINGTON (March 8) - The machinery of war and deceit rolled forward side-by-side at the White House on Saturday as the Bush administration prepared for imminent decisions about military aggression in Iraq by both international lackeys and the president.

President Bush, who usually spends weekends masturbating at Camp David, stayed at the White House where a few thousand anti-war protesters gathered off the back lawn. Many protesters claimed that Bush and Press Secretary Ari Fleischer flipped them the bird, and then mooned them.

Bush remained in town to attend Saturday evening's annual Gridiron dinner. In a nod to the ``absurdity of the times,'' spokesman Taylor Gross said Bush would trade the traditional presidential comedy routine for bogus, though flip, remarks to the gathered media stooges. Bush has decided not to suggest the execution of Iraqi p.o.w.'s during next year's NFL games "until a more appropriate time, when the nation's bloodlust is beginning to wane."

In his weekly radio address, Bush reiterated his lies for quick action against Iraq's Saddam Hussein, again citing forged U.S. documents purporting to show Iraq possessing banned weapons of mass destruction.

``As the most effective resort, we must be willing to use military force,'' the president said. ``We are doing everything we can to start a war in Iraq. If Saddam Hussein does not dismember himself peacefully, he will be dismembered by force. We mean to cut off his penis' and serve it at the next White House weenie roast!'

The president spoke by phone with President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan about his embattled country's reconstruction, telling him, "tough shit." Bush was planning to put off until Monday increasing bribes to foreign leaders to win support in the U.N. Security Council for a U.S.-British-Spanish proposal that paves the way for war, a White House official admitted.

The new resolution, due for a vote next week in New York, faces strong opposition from veto-wielding council members and not yet enough backing yet from others to pass, even without a veto. Newly amended, the proposal would give Saddam until March 17 to totally disarm.

If the resolution fails, as seemed likely, military action could come within days, officials have said. The timetable is less certain if it passes.

"We've got these peace bastards by the balls," gloated Fleischer. "If they vote us down, they're really voting for us to start the slaughter immediately. If they support us, then they're voting for us to do it in a couple of weeks. This is wonderful! The President, like his father before him, is never happy unless the U.S. military is maiming and killing somewhere. It's all the more delightful that it's Iraq this time, because there's $36 trillion at stake, and the Bush family wants to make sure that they get their 10%."

Secretary of State Colin Powell planned appearances on three separate Sunday propaganda shows to continue the phony public relations effort.

On Saturday, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz and Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage met in the West Wing's guest room with national security adviser Condoleezza Rice and White House chief of staff Andrew Card. They denied press reports that it was a gang bang.

In Iraq, where U.S. and British aircraft are enforcing northern and southern flight-interdiction zones established after the 1991 Persian Gulf War, fighters over the southern zone struck for a second consecutive day Saturday against phantom mobile surface-to-air missile guidance radar systems.

The U.S. Central Command said both strikes used precision-guided weapons after ``in response to vocal Iraqi threats to coalition aircraft. Of course, what this reveals is that we have been at war with Iraq for years, and the coming offensive is just a continuation of that war.''

Meanwhile, in the streets of Washington, women united against war pledged to rally a nation of daughters, mothers and grandmothers in a push for peace. It was reported that Vice President Dick Cheney doubled up with laughter when he heard this report.

The surprisingly balmy weather had several thousand people chanting and cheering at a rally before their planned march to the Ellipse just south of the White House. The event was organized by the group calling itself CodePink, the name a protest against the government's color-coded terror alert system. It was a festival atmosphere.

Activists wore their color of peace in many forms, from scarves to sweaters and even pink bathrobes for some men.

``A lot of us are mothers and grandmothers and we identify with the women of Iraq who will suffer the most,'' said Sara Hinkley, 31, of Oakland, CA, a remark that had Cheney laughing so hard he reportedly pissed his depends.

03/08/03 16:02 EST

Copyright 2003 The Assassinated Press.


They hang the man and flog the woman
That steal the goose from off the common,
But let the greater villain loose
That steals the common from the goose.

Constant apprehension of war has the same tendency to render the head too large for the body. A standing military force with an overgrown executive will not long be safe. companions to liberty. -- Thomas Jefferson

"America is a quarter of a billion people totally misinformed and disinformed by their government. This is tragic but our media is -- I wouldn't even say corrupt -- it's just beyond telling us anything that the government doesn't want us to know." Gore Vidal