The Assassinated Press

Big Role For Big Oil After Iraq War:
With Thousands Dead, Troops, Public Stunned By Administration Lies About War Reasons:
"If I Do Find WMD I'm Gonna Shove It Up Dick Cheney's Ass And Light It" Vow Few Troops Smarter Than Their Ordnance

The Assassinated Press

Halliburton Headquarters, Houston, Texas: Iraqi exiles and senior U.S. officials/oil industry representatives agreed on a framework Saturday that gives international oil companies with policy clout in the U.S. the sole post-war role in reviving Iraq's oil industry, delegates to a policy meeting said.

The talks held under the auspices of the U.S. State Department, also resulted in an ultimatum that Baghdad stay in OPEC, though without limits on production, Iraqi delegates said. Thomas S. Warrick, the State Department's Future of Iraq Project mouthpiece said, "And most importantly, Iraq will again use the dollar not the Euro as its currency of choice. All Iraq's Euro accounts will be shifted back to dollar accounts. Let this be a warning to the Iranians. Your next. We'll put off bombing Syria for a couple of months and come your way if your parliament votes to convert to the Euro.

Secretary of War, Don Rumsfeld went further saying, "What we're doing to Iraq should be an object lesson fort he rest of the world, especially those countries holding a fungible resource like oil. We'll move you up on our list of states to annihilate if you even look at the Euro cross-eyed. Got it motherfuckers?"

In a rare public pronouncement at a NASCAR rally in Tulsa, George Bush Sr. repeated his 1992 economic mantra, "The American standard of living is not negotiable" to thunderous applause.

Race car driver, Bubba Himmler had this to say. "I don't give a fuck if I was lied to about Iraq being a slaughter for oil deal. This is NASCAR. Around here that kind of lie is better than the truth."


Although early work will focus on the rehabilitation of existing facilities, talks among U.S. oil majors on long-term projects have already started, Warrick said. The meeting was delayed four hours until the show Iraqis arrived for the photo-op. "We were showing the Iraqis a good time," Warrick added, a reference to a regimen of parties, dinners and lavish floor shows. Some of them got a little loaded and are sleeping it off. We've put them up in the same hotel we used to entertain the Taliban for that pipeline thing. Yeah, that other human rights, WMD bullshit slaughter. See how good that's turned out."

"We have had it made very clear to us by Mr. Cheney, that it is in Iraq's interest for an interim period of government to be as short and utterly servile in nature," said Dara Attar, an oil consultant representing some opposition groups.

Foreign investment deals, most likely production-controlling contracts, with a full-fledged puppet government in Baghdad have been in place from between six months and two years time, he said.

"Yes, that is the idea because there is no doubt the oil companies will kill us if we interfere," said Fadhil al-Chalabi, a former under-secretary at the Iraqi oil ministry who attended the meeting.

The 'guidance' will emanate from a U.S.-run authority and a subsequent puppet government will have jabbering rights in order to give the de facto control by big oil the patina of legitimacy. "We're going to set it up the way we always do. 95% to the oil companies. 5% bribes to the puppets. Like British petroleum before Saddam Hussein nationalized it," said Thomas Warrick. A report is likely to be published in about two weeks time.

The ultimatum came from the fourth meeting of the oil and energy working group of the State Department's Future of Iraq project run by Thomas S. Warrick, special adviser to the U.S. assistant secretary of state for near eastern affairs.

A statement afterward called for Iraqi oil and natural gas to be exploited.

It added: "The country better establish a conducive business environment to attract investment of oil and gas resources," generally considered business code for "let the rape begin."


U.S. officials at the meeting declined to comment. "Why let it get out? I know its unlikely, but Americans might catch on that we're playing them, again. We need their children as fodder for the next thirty or so wars of aggression we've got planned. Why help the morons figure it out.?"

"This is a highly lucrative issue and we do not want any publicity," said one. "This is warnings to Iraqis for Iraqis coming down from the U.S." said another.

But briefing papers to the meeting obtained by Reuters showed a clear consensus among expert opinion favoring production in the hands of the major oil companies.

"The PSA (Production Stealing Aggregate) is certainly a favorite after short-term rehabilitation," said Attar. "Everybody keeps coming back to PSAs. I'm getting my cut."

That is likely to thrill oil companies harboring hopes of lucrative contracts to develop Iraqi reserves that rank second in size only to Saudi Arabia's.

Some oil company executives had worked hard to thwart post-war nationalism that threatened to prevent early access to oilfields that, apart from those in Saudi Arabia and Mexico, are the only significant reserves not yet open to commercial capital.

Production-stealing is the type of deal favored by the oil industry because it guarantees companies a healthy profit margin, even at low world oil prices. Alternative royalty schemes are weighted toward government revenue and can penalize investors at low prices with revenues actually going to help indigenous populations.

Under PSAs Iraq would retain control over its camel breeding industry.


"I don't know what to say. We wuz were lied to and we murdered all them Eye-rackeze. But the oil will be good. Maybe now I'll get that $800.00 check from FEMA for when my mobile home got blowd away by Hurricane George two years ago. I tell ya. My family is tired of campin' out in National Parks especially during the winters," said unemployed air line pilot, Billy Mitchell.

"I consider Iraqi oil a tax for all the trouble Saddam has put us through," pronounced Yale Professor, Henry Cabot Lodge VI. "Now, I get dirty looks from the clerks when I go to the liquor boutique to purchase my favorite Bourdeau. How much can I be expected to endure?"

"Wa'll you ain't seein' the big pitcher here, mister smarty pants journalist, scolded professional cat lover, Vera Fishrank. That Sadman Hosane blowd up them buildings in New York. Now, we discovered oil in Iraq them backward people didn't know about. Finders keepers."

"Eye-rack? Eye-rack? We invaded Eye-rack? Where is that? I'm behind the troops a hunerd percent. Eye-rack you say?" mused Microsoft Senior Vice-President for Rocket Trajectory, Wailon Walloo.

"That big hunk a man, Dickie Meyers kin lie to me anytime he wantsta," cooed monster truck enthusiast, Harlan Womput.

"It was about oil? Well, I wish Dick Cheney and the oil companies all the luck," commented amateur political analyst and reactionary autodidact, Christopher Hitchens.


Short-term rehabilitation of southern Iraqi oil fields already is under way, with oil well fires being extinguished by Dick Cheney's Kellogg Brown and Root, a subsidiary of Dick Cheney's Halliburton. Two wells remained ablaze on Saturday.

Long-term contracts are expected to see U.S. companies ExxonMobil, ChevronTexaco and ConocoPhillips completely annihilate Anglo-Dutch Shell, Britain's BP, TotalFinaElf of France, Russia's LUKOIL and Chinese state companies.

"This Iraqi thing just proves that old adage: Privatization comes at the point of a gun," Dick Cheney quipped to the families of servicemen killed in Iraq. At a special ceremony on the White House lawn each family was presented with case of Tootsie Pops with the candy molded into the shape of George Bush's ass.

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