"To wage by force or guile eternal war."
---the tattoo burned into the ass of initiates at
The Project For The New American Century

The Assassinated Press

U.S. Poll That Demands Spelling of Key Terms Shows 98% Queried Are Against the War:
When Spelling Requirement Dropped 75% In Favor Of War

The Assassinated Press

National Press Building, Washington DC--- The world 'has had it up to here' with the U.S. and Britain and its fed up and frustrated five billion people have coalesced into The Coalition of the Unwilling. This angry planet of the world's peoples is taking a stand against the U.S. and her old, biddy friend, the perhaps formerly Great Britain. And the Coalition of the Unwilling is converging on U.S. and British forces in the cradle of civilization between the Tigris and Euphrates with one purpose in mind--to nip the planet of the scourge of U.S. domination before it becomes the authoritarian monster depicted in America's own planning papers.

"What better place to wipe out the technological monkey men and teach the Americans a little manners," said John Glibb, an adviser to the Iraqi government from his office in downtown London. "The world court is preparing indictments against both the Cheney/ Bush cabal and Tony Blair and his loyalists. And more and more G.W. is looking like the Junior Soprano of U.S. governmental thugs."

"I think the U.S. was caught by surprise. They didn't expect an international Coalition of the Unwilling to coalesce so rapidly. But then Richard Perle and William Kristol started blowing it out their racist fudge holes and countries began to say 'Fuck it. They say they are going to attack me next or attack me later. Why wait? Let's get it on now while U.S. forces are sitting in the middle of a stinking desert,'" said Saudi Foreign minister, prince Saud al-Faisal. "Even the U.S.'s former friends, AlQaeda who hate the Iraqi regime are holding their nose and helping Saddam. Ditto with Iran."

But the scope of the coalition to end the U.S reign of terror and greed has even stunned Washington's die hard proponents of sole proprietorship of the world's resources. Having the cakewalk to Iraqi oil stall in the desert, U.S. policy makers wake up to find the world circling for the kill. Sales of Depends are up 4000% at the Pentagon Mall and Crystal City.

"I mean, the Middle East you would expect. Already Rumsfeld has barked his annoying terrier bark at the Syrians and the Iranians about aiding Iraq materially. Rumsfeld has told the Kurds to back off, as well as the Turks. But they're all laughing their asses off. Why? Because behind them the Russians, the Chinese, India and Pakistan are providing aid and expertise to the Iraqis. The Saudi Royal family is providing money and keeping U.S. planes on the ground. You don't think the Turks, Saudis and Russians talked strategy after Perle and Rumsfeld's threats? Only Perle and Rumsfeld have got their heads up their asses far enough to think that," said Glibb.

"Then you got the so-called Muslim world. Sure elements in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Jordan, Lebanon, Albania and Egypt are helping the Iraqis. But so are factions in Kuwait, Qatar and the United Oil Emirates---and their America's so-called 'friends.'. That fat little toad, Perle made it clear that the U.S. was going to give it to everybody in the neck. But when the bigot at the spigot talks e.g. Perle, the victims move to poison the well."

"I love American movies. When I heard that Rumsfeld in his infinite wisdom was going to send as many as 120,000 more American troops to the Iraqi theater, I thought of that scene in Little Big Man where Dustin Hoffman tells General Custer, 'You just go down there, General,' and gestures toward the valley of the Little Big Horn. I heard about the reinforcements and I couldn't get that out of my mind. 'You just go down there, General.' You have no idea what awaits you. American women better start dropping cannon fodder in litters or your days of empire are numbered."

"Christ! America would make such a big, juicy carcass. Everyone will eat," belly laughed Khodja Yesevi , a jovial member of the Khazakstan parliament. Sure, we signed agreements with the U.S.. Caspian Sea oil and all that shit. But we are gangsters. The U.S are gangsters. They must have known if their was money in it for us, we'd sell them out. The Saudis have deep pockets. They are big spenders while Dick Cheney is a greedy, little motherfucker who wants to keep everything for himself. Besides I read in the PNAC reports that after the U.S crushed the economy of the EU, they were going to come and kill me. Gangsters, I tell you.

"We are even now engaged in gang warfare with other gangsters, client states of the U.S. Uzbekistan, Azerbaijan, Georgia--big gangsters in Georgia, Turkmenistan. You name it. We are fighting for the Saudi money. Now, will we honor our part of the bargain and ship materiel to Iraq?" Yesevi raised his hands in an 'I dunno' and blew a raspberry with a question marked at the end of it.

"The world war against the U.S. and that stunted, inbred little island has already begun," said EU representative, Heinz Tod. "What? You think the EU was going to stand around with its thumb up its ass while the Cheney/Rumsfeld/Perle/Kristol knitting association made public pronouncements about undermining our efforts to develop our economy. If you think that, you are as stupid as they are."

"We Indonesians would like to help Iraq too for the past rape and slaughter that the U.S. has visited upon us in order to steal our oil and other resources. I tell you this in confidence. Do not print it. But, like the rest of the world, we hate the U.S. for all the murder and rapine they have visited upon our people," said foreign minister, Hassan Wirrajuda. "Even the Sultan of Brunei is supporting Iraq. He's still pissed off that Oliver North, Albert Hakim and Richard Secord stole his Iran-contra backsheesh."

Reportedly faculty from the General Giap Military University in Ho Chi Minh City have advised members of the Iraqi high command. And the Laotians have supplied unexploded ordnance and strategy pamphlets from the U.S. carpet bombing of the Plain of Jarres.

Former Salvadoran FMLN member, Jose Benitez, moaned "I wish I could do more to bring down the murderous behemoth, America. At least, it would give me some measure of satisfaction after the slavery and genocide Central and South America as well as the Caribbean have suffered at the hands of the pathological gringos. I'm not surprised that a homicidal sociopath like Elliott Abrams has been rushed in to participate in this recent slaughter in the Middle East. I hear from friends in Nicaragua that Adolfo Calero finally commissioned that statue of Elliott Abrams for Managua but the only public space they could find to accept it was Charles Krauthammer's ass." These sentiments were echoed from Chile to Haiti.

In Caracas, foreign minister Diego Salazar said, "Those fuckin' Americans have been plotting to steal our oil ever since the election of Chavez gave them a little ideological leverage. We can't feed or educate our people because we always have to fend off the avaricious Americans. They are as persistent as jackals."

"The PNAC is already waging war in Nigeria attempting to destabilize our country and reshuffle the oil wealth in their favor, " said Nigerian Foreign Minister Tom Ikimi.

Yang Jiechi, the Chinese Ambassador to the U.S. remarked to the Assassinated Press here in Washington, "Do Dick Cheney think we are as stupid as his Mr. Bush? We look at the new U.S. alignment of bases in the Pacific and see it is like a dagger aimed straight at the heart of China. Then, of course, you have Richard Perle and William Kristol whose mouths are like shiny pie pans, blinding in their shrillness emitting a hollow empty sound when beaten on the bottom. How many votes did Richard Perle get in last American election? Why don't you shove your democracy up an orifice conducive to its stink."

With an enemy of 5 billion people, Rumsfeld is poised to announce the reinstitution of the draft. Another measure being discussed is providing fertility pills to any woman in America that can breed and making sex mandatory for anyone over the age of 9. Rumsfeld has already briefed Congress on the urgency of these measures, "We're in this war for the long haul. Generations. And to beat an enemy of 5 billion we're going to have to produce a shit load of mother's fodder for combat. As that draft dodger, Michael Ledeen, says 'We are the new Sparta' even if Ledeen is just a vicious parasite.'"

There is hope for U.S. forces. MIT engineer, Marvin Minsky, says he will have a fully operational robot indistinguishable from a human being ready within two weeks. The downside is that the cost of each robot is 6 times the annual GNP of the world. When asked where that kind of money would come from the A.I. genius answered, "Just print it. After all, money is just slips of colored paper, the way a human being is just a sort of complicated set of circuits. If that doesn't work there's always Iraqi oil."

Of course, the U.S. has reversed itself on cloning and Claude Vorilhon, leader of the Raelians has been named to a cabinet position in the Cheney White House and is rumored to be in line to replace Alan Greenspan at the Federal Reserve.

"Mr. Rael can levitate whole mountains and drop them on our enemies," Mr. Bush commented at the swearing in of Vorilhon as Secretary of Non-Scheduled Theologies.

Meanwhile, contracts were announced for the rebuilding of Iran and again Dick Cheney's company, Halliburton/Kellogg Brown & Root won the majority of contracts. "Like Richard Perle is fond of saying after his third glass of sherry, 'The days of the mullahs are numbered,'" laughed the incomparably bland, unprepossessing trillionaire, Mr. Cheney.

On the U.S. homefront support for the war remains firm. In polls support runs about 75% in favor of a war to relieve Iraq of its oil if the respondents are not asked to spell such key words as 'Baghdad' or 'Perle.' When only people who can spell words integral to understanding the current situation are allowed to answer the poll, the few Americans that qualified are 98% opposed to a war to steal Iraq's oil.

"Secretly I'm against the war," said Hannah Wartnipple who, though she couldn't spell Iraq in the public poll, went on record supporting the carnage. "But I don't want to give those New York City hippie peaceniks the satisfaction of knowing that. I don't do anything for the war effort anyway 'cept blow it out my ass, so I figure where's the harm in silently rooting that the whole thing goes badly for them fuckin' Jews in Washington that's makin' all this money off the war."

Ahmed Sulieman, a Tehran cab driver, had these few words for Cheney and Perle: "We'll see who is the first to discover the truth of one's afterlife."

3/29/03 my copy right or wrong The Assassinated Press