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The Project For the New American Century
The Assassinated Press
Bush Strikes First Blow Against American Forces:
Bush Gaff During Speech May Cost Untold American Lives:
Bush Drifts Off, Fucks Up Ultimatum
By DIOGENES SINOPE
The Assassinated Press &
Fly on the Wall News Service 3/17/03
The Oval Office of The White House.---A "flub" by G.W. Bush during his televised speech on Monday night left commanders and their forces in Kuwait baffled and scrambling to meet an impossible deadline. In error Bush gave Saddam Hussein and his sons an ultimatum of 48 hours to clear out of Baghdad.
"I fucked it up. So what?" spat a cocky Bush off camera.
"You fuckin' misread the teleprompter," roared an obviously angry President de facto Dick Cheney. "The God Damned teleprompter clearly said 72 hours not fuckin' 48 hours, President Asshole. I knew we shouldn't have let you watch that Eddie Murphy movie." Andrew Card, White House Chief of Staff, along with Karl Rove, White House Chief of Stink and President de facto Cheney huddled to try to determine what spin to put on the extraordinary, and almost certainly lethal, gaff.
Meanwhile, Secretary of war Don Rumsfeld rushed from his office and caught up with Mr. Bush as the faux President attempted to hide behind some curtains in the oval office. Staff heard Rumsfeld shout, "You fuckin' moron. All we ask is that you read the fuckin' shit we tell you to read." A bizarre scene ensued with the Secretary of War chasing the faux President around the Oval Office, finally grabbing his pants legs and dragging Mr. Bush's slacks off.
Finally, Andrew Card restrained Rumsfeld and warned him not the to strike Bush. "I don't want to have to go out there and tell the world that shit-for-brains choked on a pretzel again though involuntary motor skills are not the idiots long suit."
Meanwhile, in the field stunned U.S. forces were given immediate orders to step up battle readiness. "This fucks everything up. We were told our timetable was 72 hours," said Lt. Gen. Earl B. Hailston, the Marine commander. "Now we 've got to rush it. This was a goddamned important announcement. Why didn't one of those reptiles, Cheney or Rumsfeld, give the speech? When there's a $36 trillion pay off on the other end those guys aren't going to drift off like some fuckin' five year old with Attention Deficit Disorder."
Rove and Card quickly decided that it would be "too alarming to the general public" to correct Bush's statement "at this juncture. Let some grad student write about it in 2073, if anybody's still alive in 2073," quipped Rove. "We'll just call the major media and have them spin it to mean that any time 'after' the 48 hour deadline we might invade. That way if God strikes us dead for the acts of mass murder we are about to commit, and the invasion has to be delayed until a new phalanx of stooges can be put in our place, no one will accuse us of not being true to our word. And that word, George is...."
"Oil!" offered a shit-grinning Bush looking like Lenny in Of Mice and Men.
"We better get that extra time. I don't want my people out there stepping on their shoelaces," snarled Lt. Gen. Paul T. Mikolashek who heads Army forces in the region. "I could ring that little shit bags neck."
"I'm out here puttin' my ass on the line and that ignorant Texas draft dodger blows his lines," offered Corporal Gus I. Steptinitnow.
"Well, it does mean that we won't be able to dot all of the 'tease' and cross all the 'eyes' an obviously flustered Tommy Franks told this reporter. "I'm not such a bright guy myself, so I was hopin' I could kick back with a six pack here in Florida on this one. But this is a serious fuck up. Bush may have cost us hundreds if not thousands of lives. I'm beginning to understand what those protesters mean when they say he's a dangerous man."
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The Assassinated Press