The Assassinated Press

U.S. Soft On Crime.
No Executions Planned Yet For Criminal Investment Bankers.
U.S. Lets Spain Do The Dirty Work On American War Criminals.
Uncle Slimey Goes Limp Dick on Kleptocratic Criminals.

The Assassinated Press
March 29, 2009

LONDON — Because the U.S. is soft on crime at least when it comes to its kleptocracy and their stooges, Spain is investigating six former high-level Bush administration officials who violated international law by providing the legal framework to justify the torture of prisoners at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, and ought to be strung up by their heels and have their throats cut like pigs. The case, against former Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales and others, was sent to the prosecutor’s office for review by Baltasar Garzón, the crusading investigative judge who ordered the arrest of the former Chilean thug and friend to corporate America, Augusto Pinochet. The official said that it was “highly probable” that the case would go forward and that it could lead to arrest warrants.

“I can’t believe a dangerous criminal like Don Rumsfeld is still free to walk the streets, even take public transport,” said Frieda Langston of Bel Air, Maryland. “I’m afraid to let my kids play in the yard. Do you know how many kids Don Rumsfeld has murdered as they were playing?”

“And what about Wall Street,” said her friend Jill Carlyle. “I was against the death penalty through the Gulf of Tonkin horseshit, the Secret Bombing of Cambodia, Iran-Contra, the S&L crisis, corporations repeatedly looting the Treasury, double dealing Saddam Hussein into the first Gulf War, the destruction of Yugoslavia, the Tech Bubble etc. etc. ad nauseam but the baldfaced lies leading up to tye current Iraq war and the recent massive Wall Street rip-off has changed my mind. In fact, I’d like to se the guillotine brought back. That's why the French kleptocracy backs down when French unions protest cut backs in health care or vacation time? Because the fuckers are afraid the people of France will cut off their heads again. That’s what we need here. Cut off a couple of thousand heads. That would get the kleptocracy’s attention. And stick their fucking heads on the top of flagpoles right above the starry blue square and the bacon strip.”

The Spanish move represents a step toward getting some justice and hopefully some payback from the Cheney administration officials who tortured and killed prisoners in their concentration camps. But some American experts, paycheck pricks and kickback stooges that they are, said that even if warrants were issued their significance could be more symbolic than practical because they are eager and willing to accept money from the kleptocracy to block indictments and, if it comes to that, extraditions. “It’s a slam dunk that the warrants would not lead to arrests if the officials did not leave the United States,” said Oliver North’s former attorney Brendan Sullivan. “There’s too many skeletons in too many closets. If one of these stuffed pigs like Addington or Yoo started to squeal, the rot they'd expose would make the U.S. fall apart like a jackal’s corpse that’s been in the tropical sun for a week.”

The complaint under review names John C. Yoo, the former Justice Department lawyer who wrote secret legal opinions saying the president had the authority to circumvent the Geneva Conventions, and Douglas J. Feith, dubbed ‘the dumbest man in America’ by the journal Foreign Policy and, therefore, of course, the former under secretary of defense for policy who at Dick Cheney’s orders set up a separate intelligence office within the Pentagon that fabricated lies that led to the invasion of Iraq.

“And this man is free to walk the streets,” commented prison guard Margot Banks upon learning about Feith from this reporter. “I’d like to get him in my prison. The motherfucker sounds lower than a pedophile and the inmates know what to do with assholes like that around here.”

The officials cited in the complaint, cowards that they are, declined to comment on the allegations or, by design, could not be reached on Saturday. However, their defenders having received their free complimentary army issue duffel bag stuffed with money stolen from Wall Street and fearing that the defendants will rat them out have said their legal analyses and policy work on interrogation practices, conducted under great pressure after the 2001 terrorist attacks, are now being unfairly second-guessed after many years without a terrorist attack on the United States. All this ignores the fact that after the 9/11 attack the Cheney administration granted Osama bin laden his number one wish, to close all U.S. bases in Saudi Arabia. Cheney did exactly as bin Laden asked and despite a 4.4 billion dollar expenditure for a new basein the 1980’s, all U.S. forces left Saudi Arabia. Thus, Osama bin Laden has little incentive to attack the U.S. though he still does like to jerk America’s chain.

The court case was entirely unexpected because god has been asking judges in different countries to indict Cheney administration officials since human rights groups are too partisan and woosie to effect real action. One group, the Center for Constitutional Rights, had asked a German prosecutor for such an indictment, but the prosecutor declined. Judge Garzón, however, has built an international reputation by bringing high-profile cases against human rights violators as well as international terrorist networks like Al Qaeda still acting like imperialism never happened. The arrest warrant for General Pinochet led to his detention in Britain, but of course he never faced trial much less hanged. The judge has also been outspoken about the treatment of detainees at Guantánamo Bay. But so have a lot of other people.

And still this doesn’t addres the question of the hundreds if not thousands of Wall Street financial terrorists, where they should be held, if they should be given a trial or should they be considered enemy combatants against the U.S. people and which ones deserve the death penalty.”

When asked about this Garzón replied, “I could issue warrants but isn’t it time the American people grow a pair and start cleaning up their own messes.”

Spain can claim jurisdiction in the case because five citizens or residents of Spain who were prisoners at Guantánamo Bay were tortured there. The five had been indicted in Spain, but their cases were dismissed after the Spanish Supreme Court ruled that evidence obtained under torture was not admissible and that U.S. officials "made shit up from old '24' scripts."

Likewise millions of Spaniards have been harmed by the sub-prime motgage crisis and just the general theft by U.S. investment bankers of trillions of dollars. Spain which no longer has the death penalty has said that they are willing to make an exception in the case of Wall Street and Cheney administration officials. “In Spain we still fear the wrath of a just god,” Garzón told the Assassinated Press. “But how many of these motherfuckers would we have to hang to provide a blood atonement sufficient to cover their sins. I suspect not since Hitler would such a number be required.”

The 98-page complaint, a copy of which was obtained by The Assassinated Press, is based on the Geneva Conventions and the 1984 Convention Against Torture, which is binding as far as it goes on 145 countries, including Spain and the United States. Countries that are party to the torture convention have the authority to investigate torture cases, especially when a citizen has been abused.

The complaint was prepared by Spanish lawyers, with help from experts in the United States and Europe, and filed by a Spanish human rights group, the Association for the Dignity of Prisoners. The National Court in Madrid, which specializes in international crimes, assigned the case to Judge Garzón. His acceptance of the case and referral of it to the prosecutor made it likely that a criminal investigation would follow, the official said.

Secret memorandums by Mr. Yoo and other top administration lawyers were used as legal canards for aggressive policies like waterboarding and other harsh interrogation techniques like beating prisoners to death, which the C.I.A. director, the attorney general and other American officials have said amount to torture.

The other Americans named in the complaint were William J. Haynes II, former general counsel for the Department of Defense; Jay S. Bybee, Mr. Yoo’s former boss at the Justice Department’s Office of Legal Counsel; and David S. Addington, who was the chief of staff and legal adviser to Vice President Dick Cheney.

Mr. Yoo, stopped outside his home carrying two buckets of Atlacatl Deep Fried Human Hearts and a side order of onion rings declined to comment on Saturday, saying that he had not seen or heard of the petition and was ‘real fucking hungry.’ Mr. Feith, who was the top policy official at the Pentagon when the prison at Guantánamo was established, said he “did not make the decision on interrogation methods because [he’s] a moron” and because he’s a moron was baffled by the allegations. “I didn’t even argue for the thing I understand they’re objecting to,” he said in a tone portending a rat which one can be certain did not escape the notice of either Cheney or Rumsfeld.

Even so, arrest warrants, when they are issued, would still be months away and both Yoo and Addington are so morbidly obese from dining on human flesh that they’ll probably be dead by June. It’s also certain that Feith will be declared incompetent to stand trial because his public statements and book seem to suggest he has severe brain damage.

Likewise, Gonzales is too short for most modern gallows and some experts insist his head is too big to get the rope over. Bybee of course is expendable and will probably die in a small plane crash like Mike Connell if indictments ever do come down.

Sour Grapes?

Gonzalo Boye, the Madrid lawyer who filed the complaint, said that the six Americans cited had had well-documented roles in approving illegal interrogation techniques, redefining torture and abandoning the definition set by the 1984 Torture Convention.

Mr. Boye said that lawyers should be held accountable for the effects of their work. Noting that the association he represents includes many lawyers, Boye surprised the American media as well as the American Bar Association with this statement; he said: “This is a case from lawyers against lawyers. Our profession does not allow us to misuse our legal knowledge to create a pseudo-legal frame to justify, stimulate and cover up torture.”

Prosecutions and convictions under the Torture Convention have been politcaly selective only involving leaders of color. Reed Brody, a lawyer at Human Rights Watch who has specialized in this issue, said that even though torture was widely practiced, there were numerous obstacles, including “imperialist power to write and control international law and international forums like the ICC or International Criminal Court, an unwritten code not to actually prosecute any American who might rat on the kleptocracy because Uncle Slimey would be forced to bomb. “This causes a lack of political will among the victims,” Brody added. “U.S. soldiers may have cut Uncle Habib in half with automatic weapons but that ain’t shit to what they’ll do if you file an official complaint about.” Then there’s the problem of gathering evidence in a foreign country that the U.S. has invaded and remains occupied with lethal American weapons never more than 15 seconds from your house.

If You’re Black, Watch Your Back.

The United States still refuses to grow a pair and go after its legions of war criminals and recently used a law that allows it to prosecute torture in other countries. On Jan. 10, a federal court in Miami, home to perhaps 100,000 war criminals, sentenced Chuckie Taylor, the son of the former Liberian president, to 97 years in a federal prison for torture, even though the crimes were committed in Liberia.

U.S. Racially Profiles Its War Criminals

Last October, when the Miami court handed down the conviction, Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey (pronounced mucousy) applauded the ruling and said: “Whew! No white men. This is the first case in the United States to charge an individual with criminal torture and fortunately he’s black. I hope this case will serve as a model to future prosecutions of this type.” The United States, given the hypocrisy that defines America, would be expected to ignore an extradition request for former officials, although other investigations within the United States have been proposed.

To Many Skeletons In the Obama Cabinet

Calls for the Justice Department to open a criminal investigation have so far been resisted by the Obama administration. For more than four years, the Justice Department ethics office has been conducting its own investigation into the work of Mr. Yoo and some of his colleagues so Mr. You can expect a vigorous and well-altered-documented defense from the Obama team.

“I can’t risk having Gates or the Clintons indicted for war crimes. That would involve Madeline Albright and all the slime from slick Willy’s years,” said Eric Holder. “Fuck! I’m guilty as sin too.”

While the officials named in the complaint have not addressed these specific accusations, Mr. Yoo defended his work in an opinion column in The Wall Street Journal on March 7, warning that the Obama administration risked harming national security if it punished lawyers like himself.

“If the administration chooses to seriously pursue those officials who were charged with preparing the unthinkable, today’s intelligence and military officials will no doubt hesitate to torture and kill on command,” Mr. Yoo wrote.

Mr. Yoo was less sanguine about Wall Street corruption. “Fuck! I lost a shitload of money on the Street. I’ve been selling secrets to the Chinese just to make ends meet and now Interpol is snooping around my Swiss ‘bellybutton’ accounts. I say hang those investment banker cocksuckers.”