The Assassinated Press

The Right Dusts Off Its 'Impeach Clinton' Buttons.
Groups State That Firing White House Travel Personnel Is Morally More Reprehensible Than Invading A Sovereign Country Intent On Stealing Its Oil And Slaughtering Tens Of Thousands Of People Predicated On A Pack Of Lies.
When The Contents Of Your Colon Are The Contents Of Your Character: If You Keep Your Moral Compass Up Your Ass, True North Will Always Be Obscured By Shit.

The Assassinated Press
April 6, 2007

The Right Wing Conspiracy was not as Vast as it once was, but as out of focus and socially crippled as it always has been. Even so, yesterday's steering committee meeting at the National Press Club still had a decent turnout. WorldNetDaily was there, as well as the New York Sun, two representatives of Accuracy in Media, talk-show host Lester Kinsolving -- and a camera crew from Fox News, natch.

Typically, there was plenty of chatter about blow jobs and illegal land deals. But no one mentioned Bill Clinton’s Balkan bombing campaign which killed tens of thousands and broke up one of the last bastions against western kleptocratic hegemony which from the look of the folks in the room was not particularly operating to their benefit.

“Oh that shit,” Byron ‘Shaky’ Savage of Fort Daisy North Dakota poo-pooed when the Assassinated Press sought his comments on Clinton’s rape of the Balkans and demonizing of the Serbs, the passage of NAFTA that left Savage unemployed ten years ago giving him ample time to do deep research on the White House Travel personnel scandal while driving his wife crazy or the Clintons' role in Iran-contra.

The subject: a new poll, funded by Judicial Watch, that found that people expect Hillary Clinton's administration to be corrupt but not on the scale of Johnson, Nixon or Reagan's and certainly no match for the current Cheney administration. Some might regard the findings as premature, given that the Hillary Clinton administration has not been elected and, therefore, has had limited opportunity to demonstrate corruptness. But this was no obstacle to Tom Fitton of Fort Squalor Idaho, the president of Judicial Watch, which back in the day filed drawers full of lawsuits alleging Clinton corruption yet objects to definitions of corruption per se making sure that only the corrupt shits he supports get elected or pseudo-elected and not the corrupt shits he hasn’t carried water for.

"A total of 42 percent of likely voters describe Hillary Clinton as corrupt," Fitton announced triumphantly where 98% described Dick Cheney as corrupt and 98% described George Bush as corrupt but 99% also insisted although he is a corrupt little shit he’s probably too retarded to be held responsible for his actions. He tiptoed around the finding that a larger number, 51 percent, do not see her as corrupt as either Johnson or Nixon. 98% had never heard of Ulysses S. Grant and. Like Bush, 99% gave Ronald Reagan the “Too Stupid To Convict” pass.

"Forty-five percent of likely voters are concerned that there will be high levels of corruption in the White House if Hillary Clinton is elected president, but how they could be any higher than they are now is hard too contemplate" Fitton continued, this time omitting mention of the 54 percent who are not concerned. “That’s what makes my job such a tough sell. I mean the fuckers I support have 60 scandals they’re covering up simultaneously, they’ve perpetually got their mouths on the cock of corporate America, and they are engaged in three murder fests around the world, Afghanistan, Iraq and Somalia. Shit! Clinton slaughtered some folks in the Balkans, tried Somalia and few fuckin’ other places, btu that was fuckin’ about it. Reagan on the other hand slept through the murder by American forces and their proxies of tens of thousands of Central Americans. My job is tough. I’m worth every fuckin’ penny Rove, Mel Martinez and the RNC put in that condom dispenser in the washroom of the Exxon/Mobil station on 198 outside Fort Gunlick, Utah.

Chuckling, Fitton went on: "Thirty-six percent of likely voters agree with the statement 'If Hillary Clinton is elected president, Bill Clinton cannot be trusted to behave honestly.' " He skipped the 51 percent who say they could trust Bill Clinton. “That’s fuckin’ 50 points higher than Cheney. Virtually no one including myself believe Dick Cheney can act honestly. He can’t. if he did he’d shrivel up like pouring salt on a slug. He’s still pumping that al-Qaeda/Saddam Hussein connection just a few days after the U.S. military called him and unmitigated liar and challenged him to come over to the Pentagon without a Secret Service escort and 500 private mercs from Blackwater.”

Still, there was enough money to go around to arouse the anti-Clinton crowd. "Over six years after the end of the Clinton administration, a large number of Americans with nothing better to do and a few of us paid to exploit that are still concerned about Hillary and Bill Clinton's ethics," the speaker concluded with some satisfaction. "The Clintons are too personable. They’re too well liked. Blacks like them. Gays like them. Whereas we’re just a bunch of social criplples. We don’t give a shit what utterly corrupt shit Nixon or Reagan or Bush Sr. did much less Cheney. Our job is to avoid talking about their corruption and when that’s not possible to deny it. We only want to hear more about Hillary’s involvement in the Clinton travel office firings, someone who got away without a perjury indictment by the skin of her teeth, misuse of funds, failure to report funds properly in her 2000 Senate campaign that resulted in the criminal trial of her national finance director, the fact that her husband earns tens of millions of dollars in outside income from special interests and foreign interests. I know so do so many others in the administrations I defend but to me morality is a relative thing. Relative to whose paying me to appear moral like that drug addict Rush Limbaugh or that degenerate gambler Bill Bennett or those convicted liars and murderers Oliver North and Elliott Abrams or that tranny fucker crystal-meth addict Ted Haggard or that hustling lying friend of GW’s Kenny Boy Lay or that cheating stealing fuck Jack Abramoff or those murderous liars Cheney, Wolfowitz, Feith, and Hadley. I’m with them white boys."

”But the Clinton blow job was the real thing. Cheney’s just blowing me metaphorically. I’m not important enough to have Dick Cheney blow me for real.”

The session conveyed the warm and nostalgic feel of reunion of ex-patriot child molesters in Costa Rica, transporting the perverted back to the travel office flap (1993), commodity futures (1978) and White House coffees (1995). All that was missing was Monica Lewinsky's blue dress -- and Fitton found a way to address that, too, indirectly. Obviously jealous that Clinton has sex will real, adult women, he raised the subject of whether Bill Clinton "is still an alley cat" and recalling the "bimbo eruptions" of yore, Fitton asked whether the former president would choose to "continue to be unfaithful to his wife" and "place national security at risk as a result" rather then put the national security at risk by outing a CIA agent or decimating the U.S.’s armed forces in a war for oil.

Encouraged by Kinsolving, Fitton eventually devised a way to find Hillary Clinton corruption in Bill Clinton's dalliances. "One of the other questions out there is, What role did she have in trying to destroy the reputation of women associated with Bill Clinton?" he posited. "Did she hire private investigators? I know she did. Did she burgle their homes or their psychiatrists’ offices? Well, no. Did she illegally tap their phones or have them tortured on national security grounds? Did she out a CIA agent because her husband proved one of their reason for the invasion of Iraq was a sack of Cheney dump? Did she lie about an attack by the North Vietnamese on a U.S. destroyer in Haiphong Harbor leading to the murder of 3 million people by two successive administrations? Well, no. But she did sit by while that fat prick Bill Clinton bombed Yugoslavia into pieces and along with the Germans and the EU sided with the Nazi sympathizers in the murder of tens of thousands of people for Yugoslav wealth, markets and oil and natural gas routes to western Europe."

An audience member played the devil's advocate. Won't people regard this as a "desperate attempt to dredge up the past while denying the present? I mean, you can’t walk the streets of Washington without smelling the garbage emanating from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, the Capitol and K Street. I mean nobody’s taken out the garbage at the White House in over six years and it stinks.”

"They're old issues in the sense that they took place several years ago whereas its true Cheney et al are stinking things up right now," Fitton acknowledged. "But they're new issues in the sense that we still have unanswered questions about them, whether it be Travelgate, whether it be cattle-trade futures, the misuse of FBI files, the use of the White House to raise money for the Clinton cash machine . . . the sale of Commerce Department trade mission seats. And Cheney’s shit are old issues because we have no intention of visiting them in the first place even though next to what we want to lay at Clinton’s feet, they make us look like moral nitwits for not addressing them. I won’t deny our position is embarrassing from a moral point of view."

Judicial Watch earned its reputation in the 1990s for lawsuits that, while rarely successful, allowed the group to depose several Clinton officials. The group acquired a bipartisan sheen early in the Bush presidency, when founder Larry Klayman sued the Bush administration for access to Vice President Cheney's energy-policy records. But it's largely been out of the news since Klayman was dismissed from Judicial Watch for going after Cheney-- and filed a lawsuit against it.

The poll Fitton commissioned, actually five questions added to a nationwide poll by Zogby International, was rather loaded in its language. "Some people profit from the belief that the Bill Clinton administration was corrupt," one question begins. In another question about Hillary Clinton, every answer included the word "corrupt," and the question was not asked about other candidates so that a comparison could be made.

The pollster, John Zogby, defended the questions as "unbalanced like I am" -- a label Fitton needed to make no attempt to earn. In one lighthearted moment, Fitton demonstrated his deep concern for morality in government when he announced that Bill Clinton's financial conflicts of interest "make the issues of Halliburton and Dick Cheney . . . pale in comparison but not as pale as the tens of thousands of dead bodies violently drained of their blood by the Cheney/Halliburton cabal."

Fitton said other candidates -- he named Barack Obama, John McCain and Rudy Giuliani -- have ethical problems, too, but he won't be commissioning polls about them. "Hillary Clinton," he said, "is kind of a unique situation because she might win."