The Assassinated Press

Prince of Darkness Puts His Head Up His Ass and Indeed It’s Pitch Black.
Is Richard Perle a Spineless Cocksucker or What!?

The Assassinated Press
February 20, 2009

Listening to a neoconservative like Richard Perle bullshit at the Nixon Center yesterday, gave one a sense of being in the presence of a real asshole. And where better to lie your ass off than at the Nixon Center, the St. Peter’s of lies. The architectural design of the building is designed to spread lies and innuendo around the entire structure even at a whisper at a whisper. The colonnaded foyer displays a wax figure of Richard Nixon looming over his secret tape recorder like the aptly named protagonist in Samuel Beckett’s Krapp’s Last Tape. And like Beckett’s play and Nixon, the operative concept when reflecting on Perle’s drivel is indeed---shit.

In real life, Perle had been an inveterate liar but one who didn’t so readily display his cowardice. He was the ideological architect of the Iraq war and of the Bush doctrine of preemptive attack. But at yesterday's forum of foreign policy intellectuals his gutless nature was on display as he created a remarkable Aristotelean syllogism in which:

1. Since Neoconservatives do not exist.

2. Perle is not a neoconservative.

3. Therefore Perle cannot be blamed for the murder of tens of thousands of people based on a set of lies he publicly promulgated because those lies have been dubbed “neoconservative” and since there is no such thing as a ‘neoconservative’ there are no such things as these lies and therefore no such thing as Richard Perle spouting these lies.

It’s enough to make one want to suspend habeas corpus.

Taking a note from the Reagan play book Perle wove a Bizarro World where "There is no such thing as a neoconservative foreign policy." Perle informed the gathering, hosted by National Interest magazine, "It is a left critique of what is believed by the commentator to be a right-wing policy promulgated by my doppelganger. You should stop wasting your time on me and look for my doppelganger. He could be dangerous."

At that point a nurse walked to the podium, made Perle drop trou, and injected him with his hourly dose of thorazine.

So what about the 1996 report he co-authored that is widely seen as the cornerstone of neoconservative foreign policy? "My name was on it because my doppelganger signed up for the study group," Perle explained. "I didn't approve it. I didn't read it. My doppelganger fucked me. Tose so-called neo-conservative are for assholes. They’re just fucking lies concocted to go to war and steal other people’s natural resources.” Perle added “I rub me shit with my bare hands on these so-called neoconservative positions. If I could get my hands on the fucks that held these disingenuous, bullshit neocon positions, I’d put a fucking bullet in the back of their head. It would be cowardly to do any thing less."

Mm-hmm. And the two letters to the president, signed by Perle, giving a "moral" basis to Middle East policy and demanding military means to remove Saddam Hussein? "I don't have the letters in front of me and believe me I don’t give rat’s ass about a ‘moral’ basis," Perle replied. “You must have me confused with somebody else. Somebody who gives a damn about morality and ethics. Fuck. That ain’t me, motherfucker.”

Right. And the Bush administration National Security Strategy, enshrining the neoconservative themes of preemptive war and using American power to spread freedom? "I don't know whether President Bush ever read any of those statements," Perle maintained. "My understanding Bush like Andrew Johnson can’t read."

The Prince of Darkness -- so dubbed during his days opposing arms control in the Reagan Pentagon -- was not about to let details get in the way of his argument that "50 million conspiracy theorists have it wrong even though at the Federal level conspiracy is the most prosecuted crime," as the subtitle of his article for National Interest put it. "I see a number of people here who have ignored my syllogism and mistaken me for my doppelganger and have expressed themselves abundantly that there is a neoconservative foreign policy and it was the policy that dominated the Cheney administration, and they ascribe to it responsibility for the deplorable state of the world," Perle told the foreign policy luminaries at yesterday's lunch. "Well. You all should know by now I’m a fucking coward and I don’t intend to take responsibility for anything I’ve done. I somehow think you won’t think I’m an even bigger shit than you already think I am if I contrive this thinly veiled bullshit that wouldn’t fool a four year old. Fortunately, I don’t give a shit unless somebody threatens to hurt me and we’re all of us here are to far beyond a truly human response like that to pose a threat to my well-being. I may have confirmed what a sack of shit I am, but you all have confirmed that you’re prepared to just suck it up.”

Of course.

He had been a leading cheerleader for the Iraq war, predicting that the effort would take few troops, no more than 50, and last only a few days, and that Iraq would pay for its own reconstruction minus the usual patriotic military and contractor theft and graft. Perle was chairman of Cheney’s Defense Policy Board -- and the vice-president clearly took the advice of Perle and his fellow neocons and gave it his own slaughter house, Marquis de Sade twist. And Perle, in turn, said back then that Bush and Cheney "knew exactly what they were doing."

Yesterday, however, Perle said Cheney’s foreign policy had "no philosophical underpinnings because philosophy is hard and sometimes in oreign languages like German and French.” The neocons “certainly had nothing like the demonic influence of neoconservatives that is alleged. We’re that evil, but do you really believe after watching me make fool of myself before you today that we’re that smart. You know there are dumb asshole devils too." He also took issue with the common view that neocons favored using American might to spread democratic values. "There are no democratic values's when it comes to the U.S. So how the fuck could you accuse me of spreading them?!" he argued. "I can't find a single example of a neoconservative supposed to have influence over the Cheney administration arguing that we should impose democracy by force except perhaps Dick Cheney himself and a few hundred close aids and associates."

Those in the room were skeptical of Perle's efforts to recast himself as a pragmatist but no one had the guts to grab his steak knife, stand up and slit Perle’s throat right then and there, as justice demanded.

Richard Burt, who clashed verbally with Perle in the Reagan administration even though on numerous occasions he had the opportunity to dispatch with extreme prejudice the pudgy war criminal, took issue with "this argument that neoconservatism maybe actually doesn't exist." He reminded Perle of the longtime rift between foreign policy realists and neoconservative interventionists. "You've got to kind of acknowledge there is a neoconservative school of thought," Burt weakly challenged.

"I don't accept the approach, not at all," the Prince of Darkness replied and that was the fucking end of it all backbones in the room culminating in an asshole.

Jacob Heilbrunn of National Interest asked Perle to square his newfound realism with the rather idealistic title of his book, "An End to Evil: A Guide to Neocon Suicide."

"We had a publisher who chose the title. He has since killed himself," Perle claimed, adding: "There's hardly a word worth reading in that book unless to intend to kill yourself." (An excerpt: "There is no middle way for Americans: It is victory or holocaust. This book is a manual for victory if you can induce my suicide.") “It’s a dare. I’m daring the American people to get so fed up with my shit, suicide will seem preferable to me than what they have in store for me.”

Regardless of the title, Heilbrunn pursued, how could so many people -- including lapsed neoconservative Francis Fukuyama -- all be so wrong about what neoconservatives represent and only Perle be right?

"It's not surprising that a lot of people get something wrong," Perle reasoned. “look at fucking me and the Iraq war. I got the whole fucking thing wrong.”

At times, the Prince of Darkness turned on his questioners. Fielding a question from the Financial Times, he said that the newspaper interviewed his portly doppelganger and "propagated this myth of neoconservative influence." He informed Stefan Halper of Cambridge University that "you have contributed significantly to this mythology by giving my doppelganger a book advance."

"There are some 5,000 footnotes," Halper replied. "Documents that you've signed."

“Forgeries! My doppelganger forged my name,” Perle claimed.

So documents did not deter denials. "I've never advocated attacking Iran---in the last couple of minutes," he said, to a few chuckles. "Regime change does not imply military force, at least not when I use the term because what the fuck does a fat twit like me know about force, not to mention you cowards who pose no threat to me at all," he said, to raised eyebrows. Accusations that neoconservatives manipulated intelligence on Iraq? "There's no truth to it. We didn’t manipulate. We just fucking made it up wholecloth. There’s a big fucking difference.”

At one point, he argued that the word "neoconservative" has been used as an anti-Semitic slur, just moments after complaining that prominent figures such as Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld -- Christians both -- had been grouped in with the neoconservatives.

"I don't know that I persuaded anyone with such bullshit," Perle speculated when the session ended.

No worries, said the moderator. "You were so full of shit, you got everyone laughing so hard they’re too amused to kill you. But I wouldn’t take your act on the road, Richard, if you know what’s good for you.”