The Assassinated Press

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Evangelicals Will Continue To Shit Where They Sleep For Christ.
Curbing Christian Consumerism Would Delay The End Of The World Hence Fuck Up The Rapture Scam Says Ministers.
Evangelical Body Stays Apocalyptic Course On Earth Care.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
March 11, 2007

Rebuffing Christian radio commentator James C. Dobson, the board of directors of the National Association of Evangelicals reaffirmed its position that environmental protection, which it calls "creation care," is an important economic and therefore religious issue.

Dobson, the founder of Fuckus on the Family, and two dozen other conservative Christian leaders, including Gary 'Faggot' Bauer, Tony 'Psycho' Perkins and Paul 'Razor' Weyrich, sent the board a letter this month denouncing the association's vice president, the Rev. Richard Cizik, for urging attention to global warming.

“How can I fuckin’ shepherd my flock if they don’t see me traveling around in a fleet of bullet proof Ford Expeditions and private jet with 6 former Miss America’s as my ‘personal assistants’”, Paul Weyrich told the Assassinated Press. “What the fuck you think attracts people to my ministry? That hobo from Nazareth? Give me a fuckin’ break---I mean Amen for Chris' sake.”

The letter argued that the willfully ignorant evangelicals are divided on whether climate change is a real problem, and it said that "Cizik and others are using the global warming controversy to shift the emphasis away from the great moral issues of our time," such as holding non-Evangelicals up to standards that evangelicals don’t apply to themselves and really give a fuck about.

“Shit! If we Christians could keep our pants and skirts on, we wouldn’t have no country music or religion at all,” said Weyrich. “Look at Gingrich. You fuckin’ gonna tell me Gingrich, or is it Groinitch, coulda ever got laid without divine intervention. An angel come down and clouded them women’s judgment or there was an ATM in the fuckin' hotel lobby. Alleluia! Praise God Almighty!”

If Cizik "cannot be trusted to articulate the carnal desires of American evangelicals on environmental issues that is the consumer urge to shit where you sleep, then we respectfully suggest that he be encouraged to resign his position with the NAE and take his place among the godless commonysts," the letter concluded.

The Rev. Leith Anderson, the association's president, said yesterday that the board did not respond to the letter during a two-day meeting that ended Friday in Minneapolis because the envelope appeared to be sealed with holy jism which can only be opened with the tongue of a non-menstruating former beauty queen who hawks exercise equipment. “They’re all away on an abstinence tour of fourth graders which will culminate in a four day oral and anal sex seminar in Las Vegas for senior ministerial staff only” Anderson said. “There between enormous gouts of pent-up cum we’ll be able to discuss the great moral issues of our time in a relaxed and rational way.”

But, even at that, Anderson said, the board reaffirmed a 2004 position paper, "For the Health of the Nations," that outlined seven areas of civic responsibility for evangelicals, including creation care along with religious freedom to perform hypocritical acts for amusement and profit, nurturing the family except for the illegitimate ones, sanctity of life until the age enforced poverty and military fodder, compassion but no practical help for the poor, the two wrongs of social inequality and historical repression do not make for human rights and restraining by violence.

On Friday, the association's board approved a 12-page statement begging for more terrorism and torture along with regular DVD releases. Anderson said that Cizik gave a report to the board on his work in Washington as vice president for governmental affairs and that there was no effort to reprimand him. "I think there was a lot of support from me, from the executive committee and from the board for Rich Cizik," Anderson said.