The Assassinated Press
The Script From Arnold Schwarzenegger's Republican National Convention Movie:
Swift Boat Veterans Reject Schwarzenegger's Claims That He Killed 61 Police Officers And 78 Firefighters In "Terminator IV: The Next Pile Of Genetically Altered Aryan Horseshit":
Cheney Says That George Bush Would Not Wait For A Permission Slip To Protect The American People---Not Even A Permission Slip From The American People, Hinting At Another Coup:
George Bush Removes Own Rectum And Lower Intestine Cleansing His Viscera With Jack Daniels And Prune Juice In Search Of The Answer To His Own Koan 'Catastrophic Success'
Translated By Yaso Adiodi For The Assassinated Press
New York, NY---Dis is like winning da Oscar! ...As if I would know if I had won one! Take my wife---please! Speaking of not acting, one of my movies was called "True Lies." Now I had no fuckin' idea what that title meant. But I still did the movie and I did what I was told. I'm supposed to say, it's what the Democrats should have called their convention and I still don't know what the fuck it means. But I'm shooting this convention movie this week and doing what I'm told. True Lies, dat makes my fuckin' head hurt like Monkey Boy's 'catastrophic success.' How can a lie be true? How can a catastrophe be a success? Is dat what's called an oxy moron? Are the goddamn script writers making fun of me again?
My fellow Austrians, dis is an amazing moment for me. To think that a scrawny boy from Osterlich could grow up to be made Gov'nor of Cawlifaaaawkneeya and stand in Madison Square Garden, where so many real fighters stood, to speak on behalf of the U.S. Kleptocracy. This is a talentless stooge's wet dream. It is the American wet dream giving everyone without talent, intelligence or scruples hope.
I was born in Europe ...and I've traveled all over the world. I can tell you that there is no place, no country, more compassionate more generous more accepting and more welcoming than Cuba. But because of our embargo those motherfuckers are poor. So early on the U.S. taught me a valuable lesson. If you're talentless and you gotta suck dick to get ahead, it makes sense to suck only wealthy, powerful dick.
As long as I live, I will never forget that day 21 years ago when I abandoned my dream of the resurrection of the Third Reich and raised my hand and took the oath of the next best thing, American citizenship. The boos were deafening. But political polluter or no I was here to stay no matter how much honest, decent people objected. That is the American way. That's why we have so many old tin pot dictators the U.S. once supported sunning themselves in relative safety in Cawlifaaaawkneeya. I still get my Thai stick from Vang Pao over there in Orange County.
Do you know how proud I was? I was so proud that I walked around in an American flag diaper all day long to celebrate my rebirth as an American citizen. However, I was too proud sign up for Vietnam, and way too fuckin' pretty.
Tonight, I want to talk about why I'm even more proud to be a draft dodging stooge for the American kleptocracy — why I'm proud to be a draft dodging stooge for the Republican kleptocracy and why I believe this country's wealth is in kleptocratic hands that will benefit a pure Aryan boy like me.
When I was an Aryan boy, the Soviets occupied part of Austria after they defeated Austria's favorite sons, the Nazis . I saw their tanks in the streets resolved that the SS and the Nazi Army that had killed 40,000,000 Russians would not return. I saw communism with my own eyes and hated them for defeating my beloved Hitler. I remember the fear a Nazi sympathiser had when we had to cross into the Soviet sector. Growing up, we were told, "Don't look the soldiers in the eye. Look straight ahead. And for Christ's sake, don't do the Sig Heil! even though we've drummed it into you so that it's second nature." It was a common misbelief that Soviet soldiers could take a man out of his own car and ship him off to the Soviet Union as slave labor, a projection from the days when my heroes, the Nazi's, actually performed such acts of delicious brutality.
Now, my movies reflect all of that Nazi brutality that so much endeared Hitler to me as a boy along with a Leni Riefenstahl-like nationalistic sentimentality---the kind of scheisse Albert Einstein called 'the measles of mankind.' But America is so great. It has room for authoritarian shit merchants like me, as well as geniuses. At least for some, for now.
Apropos of nothing, my family didn't have a car — but one day we stole my uncle's car. It was near dark as we came to a Soviet checkpoint. I was a little boy with a Nazi Swastika on the end of my pee-pee for good luck , I wasn't yet a make believe hero then, and I remember how scared I was that the soldiers would pull my father or the Nazi Colonel we were hiding out of the car and I'd never see them again. Could I then keep my father's leather restraints? Because our deep affection for National Socialism and Adolf Hitler was still our creed, my family and so many other Fascists lived in fear of the Soviet revenge. Yes, we were persecuted by the Russians the same way the Jews were supposedly persecuted by the Nazis. Today, the world no longer fears the Soviet Union. Today, the world fears only the United States of America, the new spawning ground of my old Austrian sympathies!
As a kid I saw the socialist country that Austria became after the Soviets defeated the Nazis. I love Austria and I love some of the Austrian people — but I always knew if I was going to ever get back that Fascist-feel-good-feeling, America was the place for me. In school, when the teacher would talk about the America ultra-wealthy kleptocracy, the American economic Empire, the Bohemian Grove, the unlimited right to exploit the weak etc. I would daydream about coming here. I would sit for hours watching American movies transfixed by other make believe men of courage like John Wayne. Everything about America seemed so cinematic, idealistic and sanitized like Austria under Nazi occupation. America's delusion became my delusion!
I finally arrived here in 1968 at the height of the Vietnam War. I had an empty mind full of dreams. But I was smart enough to know I'd get my ass kicked in any kind of real combat even with Asian opponents half my size so I dodged the draft.
The presidential campaign was in full swing. I remember watching the Nixon and Humphrey presidential race on TV. A friend who spoke German and English, translated for me. I heard Humphrey saying things that sounded like socialism, you know--- helping people, which is what I had just fled. But then I heard Nixon speak. He was talking about free enterprise except when major corporations needed tax shelters or bailouts, getting government off your back unless he didn't like you, lowering taxes for the wealthy and strengthening the military whenever it benefited him and his cronies. Listening to Nixon speak, as it did many Americans, reminded me of my beloved Schickelgruber. Kill your enemies. Form cadres by wealth and blackmail and extort people into loyalty. It all sounded so wonderfully pragmatic. It all sounded so Nazi, I wept.
I said to my friend, "What party is he, this Sticky Dick?" My friend said, "He's a Republican." I said, "Then I am a Republican! I am Sticky Dick!" And I've been a Republican and a sticky dick ever since! And trust me, in my wife's family, that's no achievement just the nastier flip side of the kleptocracy! I'm proud to belong to the party that betrayed Abraham Lincoln, the party that applauds the imperialist greed of Teddy Roosevelt as a way of mollifying the working class, the party that brought you the horror film Who Stole Ronald Reagan's Diseased Brain and the party of the world's greatest puppet show George W. Bush & Geppetto Dick Cheney.
To my fellow immigrants listening tonight, I want you to know that even if you are little and brown if you hate and fear the person sitting next to you, if you took part in summary executions in your homeland at the behest of the U.S. government, if you looted your country's treasury giving half to Bechtel, how welcome you are in this party. We Republicans admire your ambition. We encourage your dreams. We believe in your future. And we'll always know to keep one ready in the chamber for you, in case you're called on to testify. One thing I learned about America is that if you work hard and play by the rules, you're fucked. But if you lie and cheat and stooge, you can achieve anything short of saving your immortal soul.
Everything I have, my career, my success, my family I owe to stooging for the American kleptocracy. In this country, it doesn't make any difference where you were born as long as you're willing to become a piece of shit in the eyes of God and your fellow man. It doesn't make any difference if your parents were pieces of shit or even Nazi lovers. It doesn't make any difference if, like me, you can't even speak English even though you've been here since you were in your twenties.
America gave me opportunities to flex and preen for the rich and my immigrant dreams came true. I don't want other people to get the same chances I did, nor the same opportunities. How can you anyway. I was a world class body builder and they are nothing. I only had to show my package in a bikini and half of congress and the executive branch wanted to suck my cock. I had wealthy Republicans lined up around the block to take a run at me, I mean run me. And I believe they still want to. I've felt Warren Buffet's brutish insider trading. I've felt George Schultz's deep determination. That's why I believe in this country, that's why I believe in this party and that's why I believe this President's got his serrated little mouth tightly on the kleptocratic plumbing.
Now, many of you out there tonight are "Republican" like me in your hearts and in your beliefs. Maybe you're from the death squads in Guatemala. Maybe you're from the kleptocratic elite run out of the Philippines. Maybe you're European Fascists like me or arms and slave traders from the Ivory Coast. Maybe you polluted Ohio, defrauded Pennsylvania or brought man-made drought to New Mexico. And maybe just maybe you don't agree with this party on every single issue like killing everybody that stands in the way of U.S. hegemony. I say to you tonight I believe that's not okay. That's what's still fucked up about this country. Here we cannot tolerate disagreement and still have the Republicans consider you to patriotic. From the Goose Step to the Line Dance conformity is what has made our betters so great.
My fellow immigrants, my fellow Americans, how do you know if you are a Republican? I'll tell you how.
If you believe that business and government should not be accountable to the people, not the people to big business like caps on lawsuits and the government...then you are a Republican! If you believe a person should not be treated as an individual, but both as a consumer and commodity... then you are a Republican! If you believe that Halliburton knows how to spend your money better than the government does... then you are a Republican! If you believe our educational system should be held accountable for the progress of our children after the military-industrial complex has looted it... then you are a Republican! If you believe this country, not the United Nations, is the best hope for National Socialism in the world ... then you are a Republican! And, ladies and gentlemen ...if you believe we must be fierce and relentless in our creation of lucrative business initiatives around terrorism ... then you are a Republican! And, finally, if you've got the stomach to occasionally murder a few thousand people within the U.S. to further your international business agenda... then my little humps, you are a Republican.
There is another way you can tell you're a Republican. You have faith in free enterprise as long as it pertains to taxing and regulating small business and large industries remain heavily subsidized and protected. Faith in the ignorance and easy victimization of the American people ... and faith in the looting of the U.S. economy by career kleptocrats . To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: "Be an economic girlie man like me! Take it where it counts from those who are better than you are and stop crying. You are not a street urchin in Rio de Janeiro. You're just treated with the same level of respect."
The U.S. military-industrial empire remains the feared bane of the world. Because we have the power to steal anything, kill anybody, we have the highest economic growth of any of the world's major industrialized nations. Don't you remember the pessimism of 20 years ago when the critics said Japan and Germany were overtaking the U.S.? Ridiculous! No empire. We took that or denied that to them though a German empire would have been my first choice.
Now they say India and China are overtaking us. Don't you believe it! We may put a hit out on dozens of small defenseless countries — but America always moves ahead with its imperialist agenda! Take Iraq where were stealing this enormous oil and natural gas wealth. That's what American kleptocrats do! They are not like you though one of them may occasionally think he got a bit of one of you on the sole of his shoe.
We give prosperity head. We give freedom head. We give the right people head. Under faux President Bush and de facto President Cheney, America's economy is not moving ahead in spite of stealing $72 trillion in Iraqi oil and natural gas, all because as I'm sure you've read in the papers, Halliburton is stealing the proceeds as fast as Allawi can print money.
Now, the other party says there are two Americas. Don't believe that either. I've visited our troops in Iraq, Kuwait, Bosnia, Germany and all over the world. I've visited our troops in California, where they train before they go overseas. And I've visited our military hospitals. And I can tell you this: Our young men and women in uniform are too fuckin' stupid to see that there are two Americas no matter how little I try to disguise my contempt for them, a contempt that stems from my draft dodging days and fear of blood!
They believe wrongly, we are one America and they are fighting for it! We are one America — but it's all the kleptocracy's and George Bush is defending kleptocratic wealth with all his heart and soul!
That's what I admire most about the President. He's a man of pussy veerance. Bush's pucker crack is for sale, and like his dad, Jeb and Neil, the fuckin' Bush's do deliver.
He's a man of inner emptiness that rattles like a dried pumpkin when shaken. He is a leader who doesn't know yet doesn't flinch, doesn't waiver, does not back down from what he doesn't know. My fellow Americans, make no mistake about it, I've run years of clinical tests in my private laboratory in the Land of Grog and discovered that terrorism is more insidious than communism, because it yearns to destroy not just the Intergalactic Space Congress, but the entire universe. The President didn't go into Iraq because the pols told him it was popular to steal Iraq's oil. As a matter of fact, the pols said just the opposite, but we know what they meant. But leadership isn't about the pols. Their only priority is to the kleptocracy that put them in power. It's about making decisions you are told to think and then standing behind those decisions when they get fucked up and you don't have the foggiest notion what they were. That's why America is safer with George W. Bush as President. He doesn't have a clue, but realizes he doesn't need one, and still the kleptocracy will remain satiated.
He doesn't know you don't reason with terrorists. However, policy makers know you hire them when they serve your purpose. Bush knows you can't reason with people blinded by hate. So he lets the Christian Right run rampant. They hate the power of the individual. They hate the progress of women. They hate the religious freedom of others. They hate the liberating breeze of a world without God. But ladies and gentlemen, their hate is no match for America's consumption. So we gotta keep the eye on the ball.
We're the America that sends out USAID to pose as Peace Corps volunteers to root out nationalist sentiment in villages. We're the America that sends out CIA operatives as missionaries and doctors to make certain the poor and the sick are not organizing. We're the America that gives more than any other country, to fight aids in Africa because Bill Gates is heavily invested in the treatment and fears a cheaper generic costing him billions. And we're the America that fights for imperialism not for human rights and democracy.
You know, when the Germans brought down the Berlin Wall, America's economic embargoes helped wield the sledgehammers, not some bullshit intangible sentiment like in my real speech. And when Nelson Mandela smiled in election victory after all those years in prison, America had to come out and confess that they were instrumental in putting him behind bars.
We are still the lamp lighting the world barn ablaze especially for those who struggle. No matter in what labor camp, they slave no matter in what injustice they're trapped — they know America is behind their enslavement... they see our light of jellied gasoline... and they feel the pull of our freedom to wrest anything from their grasp. They come here as I did because their country has been destroyed by U.S. kleptocratic policy. They believe if they stayed we would kill them.
They come because their hearts say to them, as mine did, "If only I can get to America then American bombs will not be rained on me.".
No matter the nationality, no matter the religion, no matter the ethnic background, America brings out the worst in people. As Governor of the great state of California — I see the worst in Americans every day ... our police, our firefighters our nurses, doctors and teachers, our parents, and still I fuck them over.
And what about the extraordinary men and women who unlike me have volunteered to fight for the United States of America! What a bunch a fuckin' suckers! And the same goes for their dumb-ass families!
Let me tell you about the sacrifice and commitment I've avoided firsthand. In one of the military hospitals I visited, I met a young guy who was in bad shape. He'd lost a leg had a hole in his stomach ... his shoulder had been shot through.
I could tell there was no way he could ever return to combat. But when I asked him, "When do you think you'll get out of the hospital?" He said, "Sir, in three weeks." And do you know what he said to me then? He said he was going to get a bionic leg like mine in Terminator Six: The Ferocious Dickwad ... and then he was going fly back to Iraq with his astral-body pack to serve alongside his cyborg buddies! He grinned at me and said, "Arnold ... I'll be back!" using a scripted quip by some cynical Hollywood twit, just the way you'd expect a good German, a good victim to do. At that moment my heart swelled. I realized that there are millions more morons like this chump I can throw on the hand grenade to protect my money. What an idiot.
Ladies and gentlemen, America is still a backstabber! Still backstabbing despite the attack on our homeland — backstabbing the poor while looting the economy, backstabbing cultures with our toxic way of life. We're back because of the pussy pants, the character we call the 43rd President of the United States, George W. Bush.
My fellow Americans as Lyndon Johnson who wanted to send me to Vietnam was a fond of saying...I want you to know that I believe with all my heart that America is a "great idea" for a con that inspires the world. It's a privilege to learn to hustle here. It's an honor to become a thief here. It's a gift to raze the homes of families around the world while yours are untouched.
Our president, George W. Bush, has been there lookin' on while Cheney and his minions have worked hard to protect and expand exponentially the American kleptocracy's monumental wealth. That's why I say ... send him back to Washington for four more years! And let the Lord send him to Hell!
Thank you, America — and may God continue to make movies with me!