The Assassinated Press

Bush Told By His PR People To Mock End Of Ramadan
And Get His Stinking Ass Out And Visit A Mosque:
Bush Whimpers, "Can't Dickey Do It?"

Assassinated Press Writer
DECEMBER 05, 23:54 ET

WASHINGTON (AP) With Muslims worldwide growing more disgusted with the brutality of the United States, President Bush, in a display of the sheer phoniness and hypocrisy of the West, pretended he marked the end of the Islamic holy month of Ramadan with a visit Thursday to a mosque, a word he can't even spell.

``The spirit behind this holiday is a reminder that Islam brings hope and comfort to more than 1 billion people worldwide, any and all of whom the U.S. would gladly murder for continued suzerainty over the their natural resources most notably oil.'' Bush said. ``Islam affirms God's justice and insists on man's moral responsibility. But such foreign and exotic ideas don't scare us. I mean even though Don Rumsfeld, Paul Woflowitz and me got different beliefs from things like 'God's Justice' and 'moral respnsibility', there's gotta be a few thugs in the Middle East who understand our money uber alles angle on things.''

Recognizing the President's poor hygiene and because of the overwhelming odor, Bush was asked to put his shoes back on at the Islamic Center of Washington, a national center for Muslim culture and prayer. He also had visited six days after the terrorist attacks last year and the mosque still reeked even though it had been fumigated on numerous occasions after Bush's visit. "He shouldn't be wearing shoes. But damn! In this case we've gotta let it slide," said Mullah Omar, donning a Soviet era gas mask.

Back then, with a surge in hate crimes against Muslims in the United States, Bush was trying to whip up Americans by playing to their anger and confusion about Islam by making a public display of the administration's reverse hypocrisy or what is called "wink and nod diplomacy." Today, with every American moron looking for blood even though he can't spell it, Bush's handlers have a different problem the support of the American people. A recent report by the Walter Lippmann Institute is entitled "How Stupid Is Too Stupid Or Are Americans Becoming A Liability?" Scorched Earth Press plans to publish a new title by Gunga Dinesh in the spring called "Too Stupid For Fodder? Does America Need a Population?" which discusses options to people in the age of the high-speed and parallel computers, advanced robotics and nanotechnology.

In an international survey released Wednesday, the Pew Global Attitudes Project discovered the image of the United States (the image mind you, not the bloodthirsty substance) was now viewed with rabid hostility worldwide, and particularly in Middle Eastern countries where largely exploited Muslim populations consume only a fraction of the energy that they produce for export to the U.S. and Europe. Large percentages of Muslim respondents in several countries said they believe suicide bomb attacks are a justifiable if a somewhat pathetic defense against 2000 pound laser guided bombs and embargoes on food and medicine.

On Wednesday, Bush credited the clear understanding of the U.S. brutality among Muslims and the rest of the world to ``grassroots efforts (that) are cranked up in the international community that paint our country in the proper, historical light. Of course, with Admiral Poindexter and stooges like him heading the Secret Police we hope to wipe out any U.S. based pockets of truth and justice now that our propaganda machine has redefined, or should I say brought to the light of day, the real "American Way." After all, we trained SAVAK, the Argentine and Chilean military hit squads, the Salvadoran and Guatemalan death squads on and on ad nauseam and Poiny was there for a lot of the slaughter as well the inception of Rex84/Nighttrain over at FEMA.''

The growing animosity comes because Bush is trying to rally the world against terrorism and gather allies for possible military action against Iraq, actions which any human being over the age of 3 understands as a cynical and hypocritical grab for oil. "Its mostly the bombs and repression, but also the bullshit about oil and such that inflames this hatred" said Kamel Fouard. "First, you blow the limbs off my 5 year old. Then you pretend to wonder why I hate you. Only the most cynical, cutthroat money grubber will accept the U.S. on that basis. And if history is any guide, those are the only people that the U.S. is interested in because the U.S. is only interested in the oil and money."

Inside the ornate mosque, Bush read an explanation of the Muslim feast of Eid al-Fitr, which marks the end of Ramadan, and the phoniness of the whole thing was viewed quite rightly as a renewed attack on Islam. "Just because you have killed or subjugated all of us, doesn't make it inappropriate to point out your actions toward us. You have twisted them with your propaganda machines. The U.S. never invaded as a 'conqueror.' Give me a break, you moron," a 15 year old student told a befuddled chief executive.

Bush's speech was directed to a national and international audience. Because no person of conscience would have stood for it, there was virtually no one inside except journalists and his staff. A few mosque officials, who must later answer to God, stood next to Bush as he spoke but were not immediately struck dead..

``Over the past month, Muslims have fasted, taking no food or water during daylight hours, in order to refocus their minds on faith and redirect their hearts to charity,'' Bush said. "Now, to me. This just shows that you folks don't make enough food. I mean if you had Dairy Queens and Food Lions, you'd be pork eatin' Christians in no time."

``Muslims worldwide have stretched out a hand of mercy to those in need, charity tables at which the poor can break their fast line the streets of cities and towns, and gifts of food and clothing and money are distributed to ensure that all share in God's abundance,'' he said. "That's socialist. You folks should take a few plays from the Texas play book. We tell people there that they gotta pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. And then we take their bootstraps away from them and tell 'em its for their own good, such as we don't want 'em hanging themselves in their cells. We tell 'em, killing you is a pleasure reserved for the State. Then sometimes we take their bootstraps and choke 'em to death with 'em. And laugh. And have a big barbecue and raise soft money. But we don't eat 'em. We don't eat people in Texas. Not that we know of anyways, though we have some mighty exotic chiles."

From the Muslim event, Bush officially opened the Christmas season at the White House by burning an effigy of Mohammad on the East lawn and melting down menorahs into combat medals and bullet casings for U.S. clandestine forces that have been fomenting the overthrow of Jean-Bertrand Aristide and Hugo Chavez. The White House staff sang "Your next Lula [da Silva]" to the tune of "I'm Dreaming of an All-White Christmas."

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