The Assassinated Press

When Terror Is An Existentialist's Payday!:
The Man Who Wasn't There In Aviation Scare, U.S. Asks France To Seek Suspect Who May Not Exist:
Earning From The Masters--Tom Ridge Did Thesis On Orson Welles' 'War Of The Worlds'

The Assassinated Press Sorbonne Bureau
January 8, 2004

Paris - France said yesterday, that despite its doubts about motive, it was looking for a phantom terrorist sought by the United States which had caused aviation hysteria and a spate of administration hallucinations that delayed U.S.-bound flights.

French news media reported that the target of the search was believed to be an Afghan named Abdou Hai or Abdul Hay or Haystacks Calhoun or Lance Butterspigot. It was also not clear if U.S. officials meant a canine Afghan or a human being with ties to the country. A computerized composite drawing of the suspect shed no light on his species.

"Zee Americaines szeem a bit confoozed and hyzterical right now. Zay are like the young girl having her first period. Nesce pas?' Offered French Chief of Security Col. Varry Vichy.

The phantom terrorist was ticketed for Air France Flight 68 from Paris to Los Angeles on Christmas Eve but did not show up possibly tipped off by a leak from the White House, French officials said. "Get Fizzie on that pronto," White House Chief of Strife Andrew Card was heard telling Attorney General John Assrift.

The name "rang a bell with our investigators," said a U.S. law enforcement official, Carl 'Smokey' Rustpellet, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "Of course, it didn't ring no bell with our multibillion dollar computerized databases, so we went back to old fashioned detective work walking around the office smacking our foreheads and exclaining "Why does that name ring a bell? Why does that name ring a bell.?"

A French judicial source, court stenographer, Django Lautrec, said a man by the same name - or one very similar - or, at least, with two names like a human, is listed in the United States as a terrorist and therefore is certain to be preparing an attack against the canceled flight or any flights. However, when The Assassinated Press followed up on this information it was quickly discovered that the 'terrorist' was actually a 'terrier' named Colonel Curly Top. "The military designation caused U.S. intelligence to assume the dog was some type of rabid, middle eastern terrorist type like our new friend Col. Khaddafy. In our defense, we did find Mr. Curly Top hiding in a pet cage in the baggage hold of an Air France flight bound for Biloxi," said Tom Ridge " So far, the animal has refused to talk. When asked if the Colonel had been provided a lawyer, Ridge shot back, "As of this moment he has not requested one unless his lawyer's name is Yap-Yap and that name doesn't ring a bell."

"I confirm that we are looking for someone or something. I cannot tell you anything more," French Justice Minister Dominique Perben said yesterday in a radio interview. "I will say that since we are looking for the Americans, if we look hard enough we will find money."

The details of any investigation remained unclear yesterday. While ABC television reported Tuesday that the being was suspected of links to al-Qaida and might have a small nuclear device implanted in his testicles, the French Interior Ministry said intelligence services were unable to establish where said beings testicles might be located since "ze Americaines doan know what eez theez thing." A U.S. intelligence official commented, "There is no big manhunt going on for someone considered a terrorism suspect who may be carrying a dirty bomb in his fig bag and who was supposed to be on a canceled flight. Its just kinduva hunt cause we can't say what this thing is."

He added: "We may be searching for something; but it's not something of significance." The Homeland Security Agency did release a sketch of the phantom terrorist and he looked just like Michael Rennie.

Meanwhile, the hysteria has had the desired effect. It has made people feel vulnerable and afraid and rendered them even more reliant upon and docile toward authority. It has also gone a long way in justifying large federal cash outlays for security even though none of the threats has materialized. "Oh. I'm not worried that people will realize that there are nothing to these alerts. One day somebody will bomb something. I'm sure we'll be caught with our pants down and have no idea what's happening. But people will have no choice but to support us if only to have some misplaced sense of security. Of course, we're perfectly willing to crash a few planes or plant a few bombs ourselves in order to keep our jobs since we spent tax payer money to draw up such terrorist contingencies way back in the 60's and 70's. Then we were gonna blame shit on Castro--The Northwoods Documents. Now, its al Qaeda."

In all, six Air France flights between Paris and Los Angeles on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were canceled amid a need to panic the general public into thinking that members of al-Qaida might try to board planes.