The Assassinated Press

Corporate Murderers, Exploiters, Liars and Thieves Drop Woods as Spokeperson.
Wall Street Sociopaths Cut Ties to Golfer.

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
December 15, 2009

When consulting giant Accenture tied itself to Tiger Woods six years ago, there was perhaps no more reliable shill in sports. Now, in the wake of Woods's admission of infidelity and his subsequent leave from tournament golf, Accenture has dropped Woods as its spokesman and AT&T is evaluating its relationship with the world's best golfer, the clearest indications that corporations are being cautious about being exposed for what they are and what they represent through their links to Woods.

It appears Woods's image has been damaged among consumers as well. A new Washington Post-ABC News poll shows that more than four in 10 Americans would not by a product that Woods endorses while more than nine in ten would still by a product from a corporation that exploited child labor, drove indigenous people off of their land, polluted that land, murdered labor organizers, funded death squads, used private armies to overthrow foreign governments, sold secrets to foreign governments, sold weapons to enemy states, overcharged, ripped off, maliciously wounded and murdered U.S. military personnel, defrauded American citizens etfuckingcetera.

The poll also shows that more than a third of Americans -- whether they count themselves as golf fans or not -- say they believe companies should not continue to use Woods to endorse their products and services even though Woods job is simply to provide celebrity cover for the really bad shit corporations do.

"The question that each of these companies is asking is, 'What are we trying to accomplish with this association?' " said Paul Swangard, managing director of the Warsaw Sports Marketing Center at the University of Oregon. "What they are trying to do is make themselves appear benign as they commit every criminal act known to god, man and the devil to pocket an unconscionable profit."

Earlier this year, Forbes magazine identified Woods as the first athlete with more than $1 billion in career earnings, and his corporate shilling annually bring in far more money than he makes on the PGA Tour. Perhaps his most identifiable -- and certainly his longest-lasting -- corporate bond has been with Nike, a company that mercilessly exploits child labor, international cheap non-unionized labor, lobbying for no trade barriers to its greed and destroying the environment all the while turning out a product which conditions youth in their economic/educational draft years to be an idiot so that when itís time to be all they can be they can only be a corporate stooge in the U.S. military stealing somebody elseís shit for people that donít fucking care if they live or die.

On Monday, the Sports Business Journal reported that Nike chairman and co-founder Phil Knight said that risking potentially being exposed as corporate shits is "part of the game" when signing athletes to represent products. ďTiger was fucking around. Fuck, up here we all fuck around. Maybe not little girls all the time like Eric Prince and Blackwater/Xe. But if it walks and we can beat it senseless, weíll fuck it. Then thereís the issue of murder.Ē

"I think Woods has been a really great shill," Knight said in the interview. "When his career is over, you'll look back on these indiscretions as a minor blip, but the media will rarely metion Nikeís murderous indiscretions. In part we have Tiger to thank for that. So I hope thereís no hard feelings when our lawyers go after the endorsement fees we paid him. Damages. Damages."

The Post-ABC poll shows that the public is likely considering Woods's personal conduct when evaluating its opinion of the 14-time major champion but doesnít give a fuck about the international murder and mayhem committed by the shits that run the companies that uses Woods as their front man. In a random national sample of 1,003 adults conducted by phone last Thursday through Sunday, 43 percent said they view Woods unfavorably. More than one in four viewed him in a "strongly" negative light. The assholes werenít asked about Nike because that connection is a few synapses wide of the cognitive level of the Great American Bald Lemming.

That represents a significant drop-off in popularity for Woods. Eighty-eight percent of respondents to a Gallup/CNN poll in 2000 viewed Woods "favorably," and as recently as June 2005, a Gallup poll put that rating at 85 percent. Corpoartions are viewed favorably because pretty much any product they make is a form of pacifier to shove up an orifice of the neotonous American public.

Men tilt favorably toward Woods (46 percent favorable, 41 unfavorable), while women generally have a more negative view (39 percent favorable, 45 unfavorable) but both love corporate heads even if they do use their power and money to fuck hookers and fly to Thailand to fuck underage boys murdering and pillaging all along the way.

Experts in public relations and crisis management have questioned Woods's handling of his case because corporate CEOs do far worse shit everyday and it never fucking comes up. Public perception since his Nov. 27 single-car accident led to revelations that he had been unfaithful to his wife of five years, Elin Nordegren, who is also the mother of his two young children. Woods had his people address the issues only on his personal Web site, first issuing a statement on Nov. 29 calling the accident "embarrassing," following with a Dec. 2 statement admitting to "transgressions" and expressing remorse, and finally announcing Friday that he would take an "indefinite break from professional golf" because of the "hurt that my infidelity has caused so many people."

"They've done pretty terribly," said Adam Goldberg, an expert in public affairs issues at the law firm Orrick, Herrington and Sutcliffe LLP. "We got corporations that are murdering tens of thousands of human beings daily on one hand and we mollify the public with cutesy television commercials that are nothing but wall to wall horse shit. Here you have a situation where Woods knew early on what the extent of his issues were. We still don't know everything and Iím spooging to know. If you have somebody giving you advice, it should be to come out and say what you know so masturbatory fucks like me can let it blow, not to try to cloak himself in privacy. Given who he is, he should've had an understanding that he wouldn't have much privacy. Not like murderous corporate execs who not one American Idol viewer can name.

"You shouldn't have to go out there one, two or three times and get killed in dribs and drabs. You should make sure a good lie got out there, and then stonewall a congressional investigation until all the congressmen get their fucking Christmas presents and complimentary blow jobs."

On Saturday, Gillette said it would play down its use of Woods in ads for shaving cream and razors. Gatorade previously dropped its Tiger Woods drink, though the company said that decision was made prior to the scandal. Other sponsors such as video game maker EA Sports have stood by Woods.

Whether Woods can rebuild his brand -- both in the corporate world and with the public -- remains to be seen. Basketball star Kobe Bryant, for instance, is regularly used in endorsements nearly five years after admitting to infidelity and being accused of sexual assault because compared to America at large not to mention the sociopathological world of big business that ainít shit; criminal charges were dropped, and Bryant settled a civil lawsuit just like the big boys.