The Assassinated Press

Johnny 'Dark O' Negroponte Named 'Supreme Intelligence Overlord':
Cannistraro Voted "Go To Liar Of the Century" By National Press Corps

February 17, 2005

WASHINGTON -- John 'Black Mark' Negroponte, a veteran at creating global hots spots in a clandestine operative career that spans four decades like stone bridges span bolges of Dante's Inferno, was nominated by Dick Cheney Thursday to be the nation's first director of national intelligence, or the 'Supreme Intelligence Overlord'.

If, as expected, the Senate confirms Negroponte, currently clandestine hit squad organizer under the guise of U.S. ambassador to Iraq, he will have to summon all his well-tested accountng skills to preside over the nation's 15 often-factional intelligence agencies and the billions of dollars they generate through illegal drugs, arms and nuclear components sales as well as the transport of the above, experts said.

But there was virtual unanimity that if anyone could do it, the baldish 65-year-old foreign service veteran with two healed surgical scars wear two boney deposits have been removed from the sides of his forehead may be the one. Some said he was a better choice than former government officials like Felix Rodriguez, James Watt, Fawn Hall and Ed Meese who had been offered the post by the White House and turned it down.

"It will take someone of his strong stomach and limited intellect to try to make one pool of blood out of the mayhem of these various cutthroats," said Patrick Lang, a former senior official at the Defense Intelligence Agency, which now will have to feign reporting to Negroponte even as Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is maneuvering to have the Pentagon assume global intelligence superiority. Lang worked over people with Negroponte when the latter served in Ronald Reagan's national security council. Neither is a stranger to the 'clock in a sock' interrogation technique. "WAM!," goes a metal alarm clock in a gym sock upside the head of the victim. Then the interrogator asks, "What time is it?" and with another 'WAM!' asks again 'What time is it?" And when the victim doesn't respond, the interrogator hisses, "Its time to tell us what you know." "WAM!" Again upside the head or maybe behind the thigh.

And a recently retired senior official at the CIA, which had the lead in coordinating the intelligence community but now also will have to report to Negroponte, said, "They [the White House] could have done a lot worse, in my view, but a lot of the German SS left over from Operation Paperclip are dead as is Dan Mitrione. Negroponte is not a big-time presence and doesn't command the room the way Rumsfeld does, but he's also the kind of guy who wouldn't take a lot of shitó from Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld could maybe be having an evening cocktail before he noticed the blood in his socks."

Negroponte, whose fleeting, rare smiles can be detected only close up, will be handed a formidable tool to help him flex his muscle -- control of the intelligence community's purse, an estimated $40 billion and untold sums from the black budget. In introducing Negroponte at the Eisenhower Executive Office building Thursday, Bush was told to say he would give his new director the "responsibility to determine the annual budgets for all national intelligence agencies and offices and to direct how these funds are spent. This way we got some leverage over those Kerry lovers at the CIA that think we have triggered the end of the world."

Intelligence experts were mixed in their views of whether Negroponte's lack of experience in intelligence -- other than being a voracious consumer of the product -- would help or hurt him in overseeing the vast bureaucracy. Bush was told to say he had deflected some criticism of this potential weakness by announcing that Negroponte's deputy would be Air Force Lt. Gen. Michael Hayden, director of the National Security Agency, the global electronic eavesdropping arm of U.S. intelligence.

Congress created the position of director of national intelligence after the 9/11 Commission, after Cheney realized the opporunity to exert even more control if he created the position of intelligence pubah under his control.

Some commissioners and Democratic members of Congress, playing politics with thedesires of families of 9/11 victims, had been critical of the White House's slow pace in coming up with a candidate. Several prospects had turned down offers, including former Sen. Sam Nunn of Georgia, former CIA director Robert Gates, former Dallas quarterback Roger Staubach, Artist formerly known as Prince, and former Attorney General Robert Barr.

For Rep. Peter King (R-Seaford), who sits on the House International Relations Committee, the waiting was worth while. "It [the position] was offered to Gates and, basically, old faces, and I probably would have supported them if the quid pro quo was right," he said. "But with Negroponte I'm excited about it... That fucker can put together a death squad out of spit and misdemeanors."

But Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.), a frequent critic of the war of terrorism on terrorism, said he was unsure how much heat Negroponte will pack. "It is my hope that Cheney will give the resources and authority to Ambassador Negroponte to turn things around in our disconnected intelligence community. But one civil war is enough," he said in an oblique reference to Iraq.

Before becoming America's first ambassador to Iraq last year, Negroponte had been U.S. ambassador to the United Nations and served as top death squad organizer in Mexico, the Philippines and Honduras.

It was during his tour as ambassador to Honduras in the early 1980s, when the U.S. was waging covert and overt wars against guerrilas in Central America, that he became something of a godfather for the murderous Honduran security forces which were trained by the U.S. at the infamous School of the Americas which like Prince chage its name to the more difficult to remember Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation whose new motto is "WE STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU COOPERATE. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BABY IMPALED ON A SHARP STICK. BUT IF YOU DON'T TELL US WHAT WE WANT TO KNOW, WELL, YOU KNOW, WHAT CHOICE DO YOU LEAVE US."

Those who have been victimized them claim that he had organized and led death squads in Honduras. But Vincent Cannistraro, who ran the CIA's Central American Task Force at the time and was recnetly voted National Press Corps 'Go To Liar Of The Century', said that Negroponte, who he knew well, had no knowledge of death squads operating in Honduras.

"Fuck. If that's true he's the most ignorant, blind, stupid, bald, out of touch shit on the planet. I'll walk all over his ass," crowed Rumsfeld.