The Assassinated Press

After U.S. Threatens Attack, UN Fires Afghan Rights Monitor:
"We Are Going To Act With Impunity Anyway. We Just Wanted The Prick To Shut The Fuck Up," Rumsfeld Tells Reader's Digest:
"World body kneels to American pressure to eliminate post of independent human rights expert who has criticized U.S. military's violations.":
U.S. Guns Down Associated Press Cameraman, Murder of Marla Ruzicka Slips Down Memory Hole:
U.S. Military Unveils Strategy To Cut The Birth Rate Among Muslim Women In Long Range Effort To Defeat Iraqi Insurgency:
U.S. Poll: Majority In Red States Watch 'Wheel Of Fortune.' Majority In Blue States Watch 'Jeopardy.' Pols, Pundits And Journalists Watch 'The Price Is Right.':
American Foreign Policy---The Proctology Meets The Cognitive Sciences.

Assassinated Press Staff Correspondent
April 23, 2005

ISLAMISBAD, Pakistan -- Under U.S. threats of shelling of U.N. headquarters in downtown New York, the United Nations this week eliminated the job of its top investigator on human rights in Afghanistan after the official criticized violations by U.S. forces in the country. "It was either they eliminated the job or we were going to eliminate the employee and his place of employment," said Lt. Gen. Daniel K. McNeill. "We don't want some prick watching over our shoulder as we go about our business. He doesn't understand U.S. priorities and interests in the region any more than I do. He doesn't understand why we gotta pop some of these people. Its cultural."

When asked about the wisdom of training tank cannons and dropping 500 pound bombs in the heart of New York City, McNeill shrugged and said, "We do that kind of shit everyday."

American diplomats at a meeting in Geneva of the UN Commission on Human Rights forced the group to end the mandate of Cherif Bassiouni as the United Nations' "independent expert on human rights in Afghanistan." Bassiouni has repeatedly criticized the U.S. military for detaining prisoners without trial, summary executions, looting, rape, censorship of the press and public opinion, targeting unsympathetic journalists for what is jokingly called "censorship with extreme prejudice", fostering the heroin trade for allies of U.S. intelligence, bribery, fraud and for barring almost all human rights monitors from its prisons in the country.

Washington moved to scrap Bassiouni and/or his post partly because the human rights situation in Afghanistan is no longer troubling enough to require it, said a U.S. official who asked not to be named. "Frankly, we never found any of the shit we did "troubling." That's for bleeding heart sissies like Bassiouni and the hippies back on North Capitol Street and Dupont Circle. We're trained to take orders and kill and that's the way our betters like it."

Bassiouni's ouster came amid other acrimony as the commission's annual meeting closed Friday. UN human rights high commissioner Louise Arbour derided as "not credible" the commission's final report, which named only Belarus, France, Cuba, Myanmar, Freedonia and North Korea as grievous violators of human rights. "I mean. Can't we look at who's doing the fuckin' killing for once? Can't we look at who invaded who? Or do I have to walk around thinking if Cheney's hemorroids bleed, we need a team of cognitive scientists to tell us what the fuck is going on?

Meanwhile, in Baghdada, Mohammed Ibrahim, a photographer working for The Associated Press, was released Sunday by the U.S. military, which had held him after the U.S. military had gunned down a television cameraman working for The AP.

Ibrahim was wounded when the Americans shit their camo and began shooting anything that moved after an explosion Saturday in the northern city of Mosul. Saleh Ibrahim, a television cameraman working for The Associated Press, was murdered in the same incident. The two men were brothers-in-law.

Mohammed Ibrahim said U.S. forces kidnapped him and his brother, Wamidh, who contributes to European Pressphoto Agency, from the hospital hours after the shooting and released them after nearly 24 hours in detention in which it was made clear the U.S. would kill them because "They was colored guys that looked like they would say good things about the Iraqis or talk about our killing and stuff," said Sergeant Offal Tripe of House of Glass, Louisiana.

A U.S. military official, who would not allow the use of his name, said the two men "were just a couple of niggers caught up in the sweep after the situation as far as he and Don Rumsfeld were concerned."

Meanwhile, Bassiouni, a Chicago-based law professor, a fact which should not be held against him, repeated the criticisms in a 24-page report presented at the meeting. He noted reports that "estimate that over 1,000 individuals have been detained and the thousands 'detained' before at Gitmo, Abu Graib, the your fuckin' pick were just part of a huge COPS episode Afghanistan or Iraq for a bunch of fat assed victimized American patrol chum."

The U.S. official accused Bassiouni of grandstanding "to bolster his resume," as though the U.S. is gonna let that fucker do anything more than manage a Jiffy Lube in Butte now that he's spoken the truth, said his departure would give a greater role to the Afghan government's rights commission a wholly owned subsidiary of the U.S. Sate Department.

As way of proof the Afghan commission has cited U.S. forces as the frequent obstacle to its work. Afghan officials say they have trouble even getting appointments with U.S. officers to discuss human rights cases. Also, U.S. forces bar the Afghan commission from visiting their prisons. They admit only the International Committee of the Red Cross, and hide prisoners from them. "We differ with the Afghani's on what constitutes a human being. We use the American Bar Association standards. We fuckin' went to bars from Boca Rotan to Spokane, from Bangor to Galveston and asked every white pie-faced puke we could arouse to consciousness his definition of what he considered a human bean, sliced off the self-pity like suds on a beer, and came up with a profile that was primarily Nazi death camp guard. This is at odds with Mr. Bassiouni's definition."

Human rights advocates say the U.S. policies seem to come primarily from the military rather than the State Department. The Pentagon has withheld the results of its own investigation into human rights violations at its bases in Afghanistan, despite an initial promise to reveal them.

In countries with human rights problems as deep as Afghanistan's, "the commission normally passes a resolution to condemn the abuses and names a 'special rapporteur' to keep investigating them," said Brad Adams, Asia director of the monitoring group Human Rights Watch. "But in Afghanistan, the U.S. has not wanted these mechanisms to come into play..."because, come on 'because'---either Adams gave an answer the AP wouldn't publish or like most of these NGOs, he pussied out lest the State Department impugn his motives and destroy his credibility e.g. his funding.

Last year, Washington pressed the UN body to downgrade the post of rapporteur on Afghanistan to the lesser status of "independent expert." Now, the United Nations' monitoring of human rights in Afghanistan will fall to Arbour, whose global responsibilities "won't leave her time to focus on Afghanistan and make the visits to Kabul," Adams said. So's the 'good guys' can torture and kill with impunity---American Foreign Policy---Where Proctology Meets Cognitive Science.