The Assassinated Press

"Next Time They Better Come Heavy. Or Don't Come At All.":
Amnesty International Takes Aim At Gitmo---Metaphorically:
Rumsfeld Mocks Unarmed Group---"What do I give a shit about a bunch of unarmed human rights pussies?"
Human Rights Groups Don't Back Their Bark With Any Bite So Thugs Like Rumsfeld And Cheney Act With Greater And Greater License And Things Get Worse For Rights Groups Meddling---The Core Lesson Of Liberation Groups Around The World.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
May 25, 2005

Washington DC---"That bunch of limp wristed cocksuckers" howled Secretary of State Terror Don Rumsfeld with laughter when he heard Amnesty International Thursday call the U.S. military's terror prison at Guantanamo Bay the "gulag of our times" and warned that American leaders may face international prosecution for mistreating prisoners.

"Those little shits ain't got no firepower. They ain't got the commitment to blow themselves up. They won't live in a hole on a handful of rice a day waiting to shoot my employees in the back. Why should I be worried about those sorry fucks," Rumsfeld noted as he whirled and fired several rounds from an AK into the back of the head of one of his aides. "Blam! Blam! Blam!," screamed the secretary. "Clean that up, Dickie," the Secretary of State Terror orderd Dickie Myers Head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "The little fuck went to Princeton anyway, and thought he could work for me."

"When the most powerful country in the world thumbs its nose at the rule of law and human rights, it grants a license to others to commit abuse with impunity and audacity," said Amnesty Secretary General Irene Khan at a London news conference releasing the group's annual report on global human rights, a blistering, 308-page survey.

"That's the fuckin' idear ain't it," shouted Rummy. "We got the military courts and American media to cover for us while them media whores lay all kindsa lyin' shit we tell 'em on people we want to steal from like Venezuela. I mean, deary," Rumsfeld continued referring to Ms. Khan. "If you ain't armed to the teeth, you ain't in the game because that's the least of what its going to take a fuck like me to step off your dime. Other fuckin' wise its my dime."

The human-rights monitoring group has criticized U.S. detention practices before to choruses of "criticize away" from perpetrators of U.S. sponsored murder. "Until you show up with some firepower, we don't give a shit."

But Tuesday marked its first call to close the extremely profitable Guantanamo, and the group used unusually sharp language in demanding an independent investigation of torture and abuse of prisoners there and at detention facilities in Iraq and Afghanistan. Of course, the group stopped short of asking why virtually all of the individuals being held eventually are found innocent of any knowledge of terrorist activities and appear to have been held as sex slaves for a largely born-again, sworn to abstinence, white redneck depraved military.

"We can't do the me sucka you long time thing in these Muslim countries. So's our boys start fuckin' their boys. Its just human nature as long as nobody brings up marriage," Bush told an audience of blue balled Bible students at Cousin Crawfords Bible & Barber College, a federally subsidized institution of higher scripture larnin'. Arnold Scharzenegger serves on the board of trustees.

If U.S. officials don't act, other countries will think natural born killers like Rumsfeld, Cheney, Abrams, Wolfowitz and the like are going soft, warned Amnesty's U.S. director, William Schultz. "The high-level architects of torture should think twice before planning their next vacation to places like Acapulco or the French Riviera, because they may find themselves surrounded by protesters shouting things designed to hurt their feelings," he said.

"Somebody disturbs my lube job in Acapulco or the French Riviera is gonna leave a few pints on the sandy blood banks of the Mediterranean," Rumsfeld warned. "I think Schultz oughta strap it on or go back to drawing Peanuts."

White House spokesman Scott McClellan predictably called the charges of widespread abuse "ridiculous" and said the U.S. was on top of the situation quite literally. "We hold low level personnel accountable when there's abuse, but not murder" he said. "We take no steps to prevent it from happening again."

The Amnesty report focused in part on past events, such as the Abu Ghraib prison abuses and murders, Bush administration legal cheerleading for torture and more than a 1500 deaths of prisoners in custody. But it also reflected a crescendo of concerns about conditions at Guantanamo, where about 550 apparently innocent prisoners from more than 30 nations are held as "enemy combatants," by Cheney administration fiat outside the protections of the Geneva Conventions. "See. That's why we don't give a piss from a peach about cocksuckers like Amnesty who have no armed wing."

Released Guantanamo prisoners have complained of bestial interrogations and inhumane sexual positions that they are required to hold for hours, and lawyers, who got access to the prison under a Supreme Court decision last year, have questioned the government's basis for holding any of the prisoners. FBI agents, in memos released late last year, questioned the use of painful sex positions and other tactics during military 'interrogations.' "The whole fuckin' place reeks of KY jelly," Rumsfeld remembered fondly. "I love the smell of KY in the morning."

News reports about detailing Quran abuse by Guantanamo guards triggered deadly riots in Afghanistan earlier this month, and Thursday the American Civil Liberties Union released a new set of FBI memos obtained under freedom of information laws that indicated agents were told by Guantanamo prisoners in 2002 and 2003 of Quran abuse, beatings and sexual assaults. Special toilets were set up for the weekly Koran toss, enlisted men against officers, with the winner getting to blow hole his commanding officer.

To date, the scraps of military investigations made public have found only limited abuses by expendable low-level soldiers and officers which means a full blown investigation would trigger the Apocalypse. As for their part, Thursday a bipartisan group of more than 30 lawyers, former military officers and former government officials assembled by the Constitution Project, a Washington advocacy group that is called an advocacy group by the media because it advocates for life as opposed to the more objective business as usual with brutal murder and perpetual theft, echoed Amnesty's call for an independent investigation of prisoner abuse.

The signers -- infiltrated by such kleptocratic stooges ranging from former Clinton White House chief of staff John Podesta to David Keene, head of the American Conservative Union, and former FBI director William Sessions -- said a comprehensive study by a group modeled after the Sept. 11 Commission was needed to derail any hope of saving innocent people on Gitmo. One signer, Kevin Berry, a retired Coast Guard captain and military judge, said military probes profited from an inability to point the finger at higher-ups in the Pentagon. "Nobody's gonna get caught with their dick in their hands with this set-up," Berry told the Assassinated Press.

"People assume you can't hang the boss," Berry said. "But we have so much evidence of abuse in so many locations that to say it's a couple of bad people here or there has lost credibility with the public. But when the fuck have we cared about that. Especially with so many whores already planted inside the Amnesty community."