The Assassinated Press

Can You Effect The Change You're After If You Can’t Burn a Cross and Where Your Hood To the Party?
Where ‘Fiscal Responsibility’ Is a Code for Bring Back Lynching.
Tea Bag Party convention begins in Nashville.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer in Association with Fly on the Wall Media
February 5, 2010

NASHVILLE -- The corporate supported racist movement that whined and whimpered across the nation last year in a bigoted tantrum against a black president hiding its naked bigotry behind bullshit phrases like economic policies and health-care agenda reached a critical milestone Thursday as hundreds of ofay cocksuckers converged here for the start of the inaugural National Tea Bag Party Convention.

But the first gathering of the sprawling gaggle of bigots and perverts, made up of hundreds of disparate "tea bagging party" organizations, has been marred by controversy because they can’t just come out and say any longer that they are there because hate niggers and spice, Muslims and Jews.

“I mean it seems the battle is already lost if we can’t express our true racist core,” said organizer Toby Pantiesinabunch. “If you can’t be honest about why you’re really getting together how effective can you be? We seem disparate because we’re saying a lot of shit we don’t know shit about because we can’t come out and declare what we actually are, hard core, cocksucking, bible thumping bigots. It’s so ironic. If we talk about who we really are which is a lynch mob out to get a guy with secret service protection, we lose credibility. Weird.” Some high-profile speakers and activist groups have canceled their appearances because they could not openly express their hatred and fear of minorities.

“Yeah, we’re bigots. Obama was a fucking wake up call and a symbol. If a nigger could get elected the guys we had at the switch was asleep. So we figured we beter wake up ourselves before the niggers, kikes and spics took over,” Pantisinabunch added.

Attendees have paid $549 a ticket (plus hotel and transportation) to gather for three days at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel and Convention Center, which critics say is out of reach for many activists who tend to be poor white trash. Some of the proceeds will cover former Alaska governor Sarah Palin's reported $100,000 fee for Saturday's keynote address.

Despite the fractiousness, however, officials said because the bond of racism is just below the surface the event is sold out, with 600 "delegates" registered and scores more being turned away because they can’t come up with the bread. The closing steak-and-lobster banquet and monster truck and tractor pull, featuring Palin, has sold 1,100 tickets.

Unlike the bigotry and town hall inchoate yelling that defined racist tenor of the tea bag party movement in its first year, the convention is designed to show that the effort is "growing up," said convention spokesman Mark Skoda, chairman of the Memphis Tea Party. “I mean, you can take your kid to a lynching and I encourage all white Americans to do so. But it takes a grown up to throw that rope over a sturdy limb.”

There will be sessions on being proud of eating with your fingers, the semiotics of NASCAR, Political Philosophy in the Age of Cage Matches, Toby Keith and the Harmonics of Anton Bruckner and such nuts-and-bolts topics as "how to do disrupt voter registration drives," as tea bag party leaders try to disguise corporate grass-roots power as political gain in November's midterm elections.

"We are all very mature people with pointy hoods and the signs," Skoda said. "You will see people of quality and maturity to help bring this movement to a pinnacle whereby we actually change politics." Very little changed here: This was too funny on the face of it.

Hundreds of disparate tea bag party individuals allied under the hidden banner of racism have sprouted up nationwide over the past 12 months. Their members hold divergent political views, and their leaders have publicly quarreled over tactics but they all agree this nigger president has got them scared. So the factions have largely united around a common cause: raw, naked racism. Their feral bigotry is disguised behind a don't-tread-on-me brand of fiscal conservatism and a belief that the government, first under a retard President George W. Bush who recklessly plunged the U.S. into war and deeper into debt and overstepped its constitutional powers much to their bloodlust and delight at the time yet now have suddenly found the gospel when it’ an uppity nigger in the White House.

"If you take 1,000 so-called tea bag partiers and ask them what this movement is, you'll get 1,000 different interpretations," said Mark Williams, a talk-radio host and chairman of the Tea Bag Party Express "But we’re all racist waving American flags and speaking out against the fact that paternalistic corporate America ripped us off and we’re looking for a scapegoat."

Scores of tea bag party bigots including howlys from as far as Hawaii arrived in Nashville on Thursday, energized by hatred and that their cries of racism last year had been heard and that that political tide is turning against people of color. Someone hung a poster of Palin from a balcony overlooking a garden atrium at the Opryland complex. In the hotel lobby, a few delegates sat on luggage and read copies of the Declaration of Independence for the first time shocked to find that it may be interpreted as being all inclusive despite its white, landowning origins.

“That’s where the Found[l]ing Fathers fucked up. I’d rather be indentured to a disingenuous shit like Bill Gates than work beside a bunch of niggers and spics.” Said Drew Oople of Funny Smell, North Dakota. “We can’t be honest here about our bigotry anymore than the Foundling Fathers could be about their hatred of the hoi poloi like me. Just like the Declaration of Independence the first casualty here among the tea baggers is honesty.” Outside the convention hall, entrepreneurs sold souvenirs: sterling silver suckable tea bag necklaces ($89.99), life size sex dolls of Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and Mitch McConnell for $69.99 though the Bachmann doll had been marked, bags of "Freedom Coffee" ($19) picked by Guatemalan slaves and good to the last drop of their blood, Michael Steele’s new hip-hop CD ‘Tommy’ $8, and T-shirts emblazoned with a bald eagle puking on the American flag on Super Boel Sunday($20).

The convention's first day lacked the orchestrated staging of most modern political events. There was a mock lynching. Then the convention host delivered a meandering welcome speech without notes, saying he couldn’t write. Former congressman Tom Tancredo (R-Colo.) offered a fiery defense of the Christian faith and the traditional American values of bigotry and raicsm, but there was no prayer or Pledge of Allegiance to open the convention -- nor was there an American flag in the convention hall because no one could remember the pledge or prayer and “besides this was about bigotry not god and country.”

In Washington, the Republican establishment has wrestled with the tea bag party movement, sometimes sucking their bags and sometimes not, but House Republican Leader John A. Boehner (pronounced BONER) said Thursday that there is "no difference in the beliefs of Republicans and tea bag party activists. We’re all bigots. It’s just that I’m a rich bigot because I have the opportunity to drop trow for rich corporations pretty much a dozen times a day. My ass may be sore but I can afford expensive crams and salves just one of America’s great metaphorical quid pro quos.”Appearing on conservative Mike Gallagher's radio show, Boehner (read BONER) counseled Republican candidates to "prove it to tea bag party activists that we really are who we say we act like we are---unremitting racists."

Despite her fee, Palin said she will not "benefit financially" from the event. "Any compensation for my appearance will go bribing her former son-in-law to be to keep his fucking mouth shut," she wrote in an opinion article published in USA Today. Palin did not specify how she would distribute her earnings to the lad. Tea Bag Party Nation, a dating site fro the dentally challenged, is organizing the convention. Although it is a for-profit corporation, founders Judson and Sherry Phillips have said that any profit will be funneled back into the movement in the Cayman Islands. "We have made the best of a tight budget and scaled back the price of attending this convention as much as we could without putting TP into bankruptcy though we are paying that fuck Palin her asking price of $100,000 ," Sherry Phillips wrote recently in an e-mail to members.

Still, other prominent voices in the racist movement remain furious. Erick Erickson, editor of, a white supremacist blog, wrote that the convention "smells scammy." Two tea bag party clan associated groups, the American Anti-Liberty Alliance and the Notional Prestink Alliance, withdrew from the convention in protest, as did two featured bigots, Reps. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) and Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.). "It didn't sound 'tea bag party' to me," said Anthony Shreeve, 27, a tea party organizer from Tennessee who is boycotting the convention. "It sounded more like a regular Republican bigot fest."

Philip Glass, famous composer and director of the Notional Prestink Alliance, said the convention’s bigotry "won't change anything." He said resources would be better spent working through the Republican Party system by helping racists take over local precincts, parties and, ultimately, elected offices and then forming vigilante groups to drive blacks and Hispanics from their homes using the legal system.

What’s More Feel Good than Tea Bagging?

"It's nothing more than a feel-good gathering of like-minded individuals doing nothing that's tangible or effective," Glass said. "What’s more feel good than tea bagging. Once those people leave there, what is it that they're going to do? Are they going to do something tangible like burn down a black church? Or are they going to go home and just sit on the couch and fantasize about burning down a black church?"

Palin wrote that she decided to attend despite the controversy because she did not want to give up a big payday. "As with all racist efforts, the nature of this movement means that sometimes the debates are loud and the organization is messier than that of a polished, controlled machine because we can’t openly express our core racism," she wrote. "Disagreements take place about tone and tactics. That's OK, because, as I often wink, this movement is about bigger things than politics or organizers. We’re bigots and scapegoaters with supposedly 250,000,000 guns yet too cowardly to confront the people who really fuck us over. And it don’t begin with big government. It begins with corporate control of big government---and the bigots and everyone they hate."