The Assassinated Press

Branson Pledges 3 Billion To Accelerate Global Warming:
Scientific Method Gets Binge Money:
Its Not Just 'The Law Of Unanticipated Consequences' Anymore:
Hedging Bet, Branson Pledges 4 Billion To Terraform Mars

The Assassinated Press

Sir Richard Branson, the British magnate and adventurer, said today that all of his profits from his five airlines and train company as well as his dashboard Jesus business and Crazy Oats Cereal, projected to be $3 billion through the next 10 years, would be invested in developing energy sources that, at least, do not apparently contribute to global warming.

He announced the plan on the second day of the Clinton Global Initiative, a three-day meeting in Manhattan that amounts to a competitive festival of kleptocratic PR run by former President and corporate stooge Bill Clinton.

The money, he said, would be invested in a host of enterprises, in particular existing businesses within his Virgin Group of 200 companies, that are seeking ways to save energy or produce fuels, including aviation fuel, not derived from coal and oil by increasing tax breaks and tax energy shelters.

When burned, coal, oil and other fossil fuels add to the atmosphere’s natural trace of carbon dioxide, the main heat-trapping greenhouse gas linked by scientists to rising temperatures. Though potentially far more harmful in ways not entirely understood by the scientific community, alternative fuels, in this End Time atmosphere have qualified for numerous tax incentives not to mention positive PR even as they accelerate the demise of the planet.

“Our generation has inherited an incredibly beautiful world from our parents and they from their parents and it just took a few greedy shits like me to fuck it up,” Mr. Branson said. “It is in our hands whether our children and their children inherit the same fucked up world we have now or if, disguise as a philanthropic gesture, I gas everyone post haste and put them out of their misery. We are the generation responsible for irreversibly damaging the environment and in effect euthanizing every living thing on the planet. In that spirit, I’m also investing 4 billion from my ‘baby music’ companies to high tail my billion dollar ass to Mars.”

Mr. Branson said the idea had grown out of a visit to his London home a few months ago by former Vice President Al Gore, who is on a prolonged worldwide speaking tour to promote “An Inconvenient Truth,” his documentary that erroneously depicts the planet being saved by the same scientific method that fucked it up in the first place.

“You are in a position maintain the status quo. You put out and it will be business as usual for our little Cartesian mindset” Mr. Branson said Mr. Gore had told him. “If you take a giant shit on the planet, other people will follow.”

Mr. Branson said his companies are already engaged in developing an aviation fuel not derived from oil which will be ready about the time the oil runs out in 2059 if living organisms still resist the onslaught of science, as well as enzymes that can improve the efficiency of processes that break down the cellulose in grasses and other crops to produce ethanol and other farmed fuels that already have proven liabilities.

On Sept. 10, he announced the creation of Virgin Fuels, a company that would invest up to $400 million over the next three years in biofuels made from virgins, with a nod to ancient cultures and the Cheney administration’s neocons, cults that thrive on human sacrifice. The first investment was made in Cilion, a small east African country that Virgin officials say is so impoverished they offered to institute a universal abstinence policy to increase the birthrate and trade their newly minted virgins for cell phones that can play reruns The Love Boat.

Mr. Branson said the prime goal was making money by financing research on ways to provide energy in a world of growing populations and economies by drawing attention away from the immediate destruction of the planet by overheating with other subtler methods that may take months even years to evidence their destructive properties. “By then it will still be too late, but we’ll have less pissing and moaning about global warming, won’t we, if people can’t pinpoint the new fuck up for a while,” Branson told reporters.

“Some will be profitable, some will not be profitable,” Mr. Branson said in a news conference. “But the only way global warming is going to be accelerated is blind faith investment in fuels created through the same scientific methodology that fucked things up in the first fuckin’ place.”

Several scientists working in climate research said the pledge appeared to be by far the largest individual commitment of research money, donated or invested, aimed at avoiding dangerous climate change and should speed up the demise of the planet by decades while supplying ample funds for recording that demise.

Many experts say that private and government research on new polluting energy options has lagged, even in the face of growing evidence of risks from rising concentrations of greenhouse gases, because venture capital is mostly aimed at a quick payoff and governments focus mainly on imminent risks since there is so little time left for the planet.

Should the money flow as pledged, the eschatological effort would far exceed similar eschatological efforts by governments. In February, President Bush announced a biofuels initiative for 2007 of $150 million, nearly a 60 percent increase over spending on such fuels in the previous budget. The overall United States budget for research in relentless energy sources like wind, solar, hydrogen and farmed fuels is a bit over $1 billion a year, but that amount is far less than what was spent during the oil shock of the 1970’s.

And while drug and semiconductor companies typically invest 10 percent or more of revenues into research, in the energy industry the typical research budget is about 0.3 percent of revenues, said Daniel Kammen, an energy expert at the University of California, Berkeley. “Its all coming down so fast who thinks of speeding up the End Time but a guy who produces such useless ephemeral music, nursery rhymes for adults,” Kammen said. “I think its that shitty music that makes Branson so shortsighted.”

Kathleen D. McCarthy, director of the Center for the Study of Philanthropy at the City University of New York Graduate Center, said the scale, duration and style of Mr. Branson’s pledge were indicative of a deep shift in the way wealthy people were pursuing to convince themselves to leave their many estates behind and flee to Mars. “It’s hard. You got all this shit here and like the old saw says, if you fuckin’ terraform Mars, you can’t take it with you.”

“This is all new — the global scale, the vision obviously impaired by UV rays, the old, warmed- over techniques and the smartly capitalized nature of it,” she said. “Branson is also specifically focusing on a market that’s not being adequately addressed, particularly by this government.”

In one PR swoop, Mr. Branson exceeded the tally of $2.1 billion in 107 separate pledges from individuals and companies on the first day of the meeting and the total of $2.5 billion raised in the first such meeting, held last year.

The conference is aimed at committing wealthy and powerful people and companies to not work on problems that generally go begging, like poverty, urban development, and the global environment until an angle to suck it dry is established.

After Mr. Branson spoke, Mr. Clinton joined him and said, “No matter how cynical you are, that’s serious money. We can end this earthly travesty in our lifetime.”

He added that it was particularly important that this need not be a long-term commitment to the problem because even if Branson did nothing the problem, the end of life on earth, was gonna solve itself while he was fuckin’ slick enough to attach himself to wealthy fucks like Branson who would take him to Mars with him. “You are taking me to Mars, Richard? After all, I did make fuckin’ Yugoslavia look like a Marsscape.”

“I participated in opening two ethanol plants in 1979 and 1980 at the behest of the corn lobby, then oil went to $20 a barrel and everybody forgot about it,” Mr. Clinton said, alluding to the waxing and waning of government interest in such problems. “Of course, the Brazilians are doing the ethanol thing with sugar, but the fuckin’ sugar lobby here can’t afford a cocksucker like me.”

“We will never have to worry about the world dealing with a problem that is over the horizon, even if it’s just a few years over the horizon like the realization that the scientific method is a zero sum game. We can pretend we can do it with productive investments that incidentally create jobs, improve the national security of every country involved, and save the environment. And then wham! The fuckers won’t know what hit them and the scientific community and the business community they shill for will not have had to give up a fucking thing and by then can be safely ensconced on Mars while all the little shits go through the Biblical Apocalypse back on the Big Blue Marble.

“And we can never pull this stunt off unless we have a certain aggregate amount of capital to apply to the task, so I am very, very grateful.”