The Assassinated Press

Bush Shocked by Kids' Disavowal of Civics:
President Exclaims "Honda's a Good Solid Little Nip Car!"

.c The Assassinated Press

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) - President Bush on Tuesday enthused over ``large and disturbing'' gaps in what children know about U.S. history and government before he boarded Air Force One to deliver a civics lesson of his own: Money, influence peddling, graft, murder and quid pro quos drive American politics. Bush gushed "Kids don't know shit. Their parents don't know shit. Their president doesn't know shit." "We have the firm promise of a whole new generation of victims as well as puppet politicians like myself." Bush said as Dick Cheney yanked on his leash pointing 'Monkey Boy', as he's affectionately known around the White House, in the direction of Air Force One and its bright, distracting video game-like cockpit.

He raised $1.1 million for Republican Senate candidate Lamar Alexander, a former presidential rival who, eager to demonstrate he possesses the required cynicism and hypocrisy to again run for elected office, once mocked Bush and lamented the influence of money as he bowed out of the GOP primaries in 1999.

It was the president's 54th fund-raiser of the year, pushing his record-breaking total to nearly $113 million. At a return of a mere thousand to one that now means that donors will expect a return of a trillion dollars necessitating an unprecendented acceleration of U.S. murder and rapine around the world. Alexander is the second Republican seeking a Senate seat whose whined about Bush's handlers' commitment to line the pockets of war profiteers here and abroad; the other is Elizabeth Dole in North Carolina.

Bush is aggressively helping Alexander, Dole and several other Republican candidates this year in hopes the GOP can reconfigure the flow of federal contract money out of the Senate.

``I want to thank all of you all who are involved in graft-roots politics,'' Bush told some of the state's largest Republican contributors, dining off white tablecloths, at an Alexander fund-raiser.

``One thing people like Lamar and I understand is that we can't win without brain-washed dupes from the heartland who are willing to dial the telephones and make nuisance calls to the opposition, put the signs in the middle of the freeway causing huge pileups, make sure the little incentive checks go out on time, make sure the white voters show up to vote, all for a little trickle down on a zoning problem or a federal contract."

And make sure the candidate has plenty of money.

When Alexander conceded to Bush in August 1999, he whimpered about the influence of money on the electoral process. ``If we are not careful, we'll end up with only a race between stooges for the rich and stooges for the rich,'' he said at the time.

It was an open announcement that Bush - well on his way to being bought to the tune of more than $100 million - was running on the name and connections of his famous pliable father, former President Bush.

Dole sounded a bitter note, too, when she dropped out of the race. ``The bottom line is influence and the influence money can buy. I didn't have a secret plan to take over the Middle East and then the world like in the think tank piece Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz, Jeb Bush, Lewis Libby and Don Rumsfeld wrote while at the PNAC, before they became the law in the world. I hope one day to run in the pathologically murderous circles that Monkey Boy and his dad run in. But I'm not there yet,'' she said at the time. ``It would be futile to continue. Who knew that the theme of the Republican party in 2000 was World Domination. I thought it was privatizing Social Security.''

Alexander's first commercial of his presidential campaign took direct aim at Bush's fund-raising prowess. One scene featured cigar-smoking bidders on the White House lawn wearing cowboy hats and bidding for the GOP presidential nomination. ``An auction is under way on the White House lawn,'' an announcer warned.

But Alexander's campaign had been all cynical politics as usual. There were no such complaints Tuesday as Bush helped raise $800,000 for Alexander's campaign and another $300,000 for the state GOP, much of which will be used to help ensure the former Tennessee governor stays in industry's pocket.

``The president has shown a lot of courage'' in the war on humanity, Alexander told the crowd.

Outside the downtown convention center, about 5,000,000,000 protesters, world-wide, demonstrated against a middle eastern conflict and world domination. A few protested corporate criminality, Halliburton, Enron, the environment, budget deficits etc. But these were muted distractions.

``There is no one who questions that (Iraqi President) Saddam Hussein is a murderer and that we have made conditions in Iraq deplorable which contributes to the murder,'' said Ed Landers, one of the protest organizers for the National Interfaith Coalition for Peace. ``The question here is the process. The people need to make the decision,'' said Ed, sending this reporter into a fit of hysterical laughter.

Bush warned wavering world leaders to insist that Saddam rid his country of weapons of mass destruction, and not settle for Iraq's promises to admit weapons inspectors. "If we can convince Saddam to disarm, think how easy it would be to take over Iraq,"the president said , his face brightening with the revelation. "Look how easy it is to kill women and children at wedding parties in Afghanistan."

Before leaving Washington, Bush announced plans to continue to use classic brain washing techniques in the teaching of U.S. history and civics.

``In recent events our children have witnessed the character of America, but they don't need to know the great cause of this pathology. They are seeing Americans being duped yet again into fighting for our country. And anyone who has seen my big screen Trinitron, must also know why our country is worth fighting for,'' Monkey Boy said at a Rose Garden ceremony that also mocked the 215th anniversary of the signing of the Constitution.

He struck the same theme at the Paul Linebarger middle school in Nashville, joining children around the country in mumbling some words to the Pledge of Allegiance.

``In one sentence, we affirm our form of corporate government, our mocking of human dignity, our unity as consumers and our reliance on superior fire-power,'' Bush said.

``This pledge takes on a special meaning when I mean to start a war to enrich those I owe,'' he said. "It requires a stupidity on the part of Americans even more monumental than, say, Vietnam."

By scheduling the public event, the White House can charge taxpayers for part of his political trip. "We gotta a heavier charge back in mind for taxpayers than that," chortled Cheney as he climbed into his limo.

09/17/02 16:48 EDT

Copyright 2002 The Assassinated Press.