The Assassinated Press

Fla. Drug Dealing Wholesaler Accused of Price Gouging:
Line Blurs Between Legal And Illegal Drugs When Free And Black Markets Collide:

Assassinated Press Writer
October 27, 2004

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- A drug wholesaler accused of overcharging for flu vaccine agreed Wednesday to turn over its remaining inventory -- a total of five vials -- and to no longer buy or sell the drug when there is a chance hospitals and clinics "full of fuckin' do-gooders" make such a fuss that the Florida regulatory agencies are forced to put down their donuts and step in.

After an 8 month 'investigation', Florida Attorney General Charlie 'Bearclaw' Crust had asked a judge to order As Soon As Possible or ASAP Meds Inc. of Fort Lauderdale, which does business as Meds-A-Million, to stop selling vaccine for prices as high as $900 a vial. The vaccine has previously sold for as little as $63 a vial.

In response, the company agreed it would stop clandestine purchases and sales while under scrutiny and would surrender its remaining stock -- five vials, or 50 shots -- to the Florida Department of Health to be distributed to the public for free. "Shit, we made our money," laughed Bubba Szymanowski, CEO of ASAP, hiking up his golf slacks. "They can have those fuckin' 5 vials. They wasn't refrigerated no how."

Attorneys general in Kansas and Florida are suing Meds-A-Million for allegedly trying to seek "unconscionable, military/industrial level profits" by offering pharmacies flu shots for prices way above normal. "Its the fuckin' $9000.00 hammer thing. Right?" coughed Stanley Pootzaclaymath, as the 107 year old man succumbed to the ravages of the flu, decades of alcohol abuse and 103 years of intravenous drug use."

"Shit," wept nurse Courtney Love. "If he'd only had a flu shot, I'd be tying off the old fuck right now. Shame on Meds-A-Million."

Crust said the agreement doesn't end the lawsuit, but is meaningful nonetheless. "That's 50 human beings out of 5 million," he said. "That matters."

Meds-A-Million lawyer Lance Chaser said the company wasn't planning to continue sales or purchases of vaccine anymore anyway because a supply through a state run Cuban pharmaceutical plant was dumped into the Gulf of Mexico by the U.S. Coast Guard working under orders from Alpha 66. He called the lawsuit "without consequence," and said it "was brought too late to prevent the company from taking its insane profits and buying a Fort Lauderdale dog track, 8 kilos of coke and 44000 votes." "That makes us a player here in Jebland, I do believe," laughed Szymanowski.

Meds-A-Million initially purchased 335 vials on the pharmaceutical black market, paying up to $610 per vial, Chaser said.

The nation's flu vaccine supply was cut in half earlier this month when British regulators unexpectedly shut down a major U.S. vaccine supplier, Charon Corp., that refused to meet British bribery demands, freezing a shipment of up to 48 million expected flu shots, and the Miami Mafia told Cheney and Bush that they could expect another 9/11 right before the election if the administration tried to buy a supply of the vaccine from Cuba.