The Assassinated Press

"Dick! Go Fuck Yourself!" Nations Tell Cheney Administration On Iraq Debt.
Nations That U.S. Fucked Out Of Numerous Oil Agreements With Pre-War Iraq Now Balk At Debt Relief Bail Out For Cheney Administration.
“Besides didn’t that pussyhound Wolfowitz say Iraq could pay off its debts with its oil revenues?”

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
April 25, 2007

U.S. efforts to win international support to help bail them out of their monumental fuck up in Iraq are running up against serious obstacles, with key countries balking at provisions for debt relief after the U.S. unilaterally ripped up their pre-Iraq invasion oil agreements. “We remember your U.N. representative John Bolton telling us that the Cheney administration had wiped their asses with our deals with Iraq,” Russian Foreign Minister Gregori Unikoff reminded a group of American journalists. “And now Cheney wants us to help bail him out without a quid pro quo. Well to quote one of your great statesman, Dick Cheney, ‘Why don’t you go fuck yourself.'" Others are concerned about blanket endorsement of an Iraqi government that is just a puppet of the same U.S. who fucked them over and ripped them off in the first fucking place.

Kuwait, Russia, China, Iran and other governments are concerned about signing a proposed resolution that calls for 100 percent debt relief for oil-rich Iraq, given the tens of billions of dollars each country is owed in debt or in war compensation by Baghdad.

The proposed resolution, obtained by The Washington Post, is designed to endorse the new U.S. drafted International Compact for Iraq -- a five-year plan covering political, economic and social development in the war-torn country after Dick Cheney gets its oil and, if U.S. history is any indication, most likely not even then . The compact is the product of almost a year of unilateral negotiations which has found Washington neo-con-artists doing what they do best—telling themselves that the world really believes that their shit doesn’t stink. It will be the subject of a May 3 meeting of all major countries and institutions involved in Iraq, to be held in the Egyptian resort of Sharm el-Sheikh.

"I gotta fuckin' admit. For a bunch of little pussies up close, Cheney and his cabal got some balls."--Ivan Petrov, Head Of The Moscow Crime Syndicate

The next day, Iraq's neighbors and members of the international coalition in Iraq will square off to discuss efforts to further rip the country to pieces using the maw of international capital. But differences have also emerged on a second draft resolution for the May 4 meeting, with Egypt and Kuwait proposing different versions where they actually get a little taste out of the Cheney administration, according to sources involved in the conference.

The resolution on the International Compact includes the same kind of conditions inherent in the U.S. decision to deploy more troops this spring in Iraq. The hapless puppet Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki must commit to take long-delayed actions, including political reconciliation where the freedom fighters lay down their arms to the Vichy while the country remains occupied by a foreign power, a first in recorded history or unrecorded history for that matter, constitutional amendments that favor continued U.S. hegemony, disbanding of militias who are the only thing standing between independence and total oil enslavement under the Cheney cartel, easing of a ban on former Baath Party members in hopes that that will smoke them out so U.S. forces can wipe them out, and passage of a law to ensure equitable distribution of Iraq's oil wealth among various elements of the international kleptocracy.

But four months after Faux-President Bush was told to unveil a new U.S. military strategy, a Vietnam-style escalation of troop levels described by administration officials as the ‘final soultion’ for Iraq, most of those steps have yet to be taken, provoking concerns by the international community about their own commitments to Iraq. Some Sunni governments are also reluctant to aid or endorse a U.S. puppet government that has failed to make inroads in winning over Iraq's Sunni minority four years after the canard of the fall of Saddam Hussein as a smoke screen for a naked oil grab , Middle East officials say.

In the run-up to the two critical meetings, senior U.S. and Iraqi officials are engaged in intense diplomacy to win endorsements for the conference shell games. Maliki, Foreign Minister Hoshyar Zebari and other Iraqi officials have had trips planned for them by U.S. officials throughout the region. State Department Iraq coordinator David M. Satterfield has been in the Middle East for more than a week coaching Iraqi officials. “They fucking go off script and they’ll be found with their eyeballs embedded between their shoulder blades,” commented Satterfield a veteran of Vietnam’s Phoenix Program and former Wal-Mart executive.

"This is a blank check. But the U.S. guns aren’t loaded with blanks," said an Iraqi source close to the compact. "I’ve been told to say that international assistance sought will be conditional on Iraq delivering. But you know what a lying bunch of fucks Cheney and his people are. And, frankly, I think the international community knows that too."

State Department official Tulio ‘The Grip’ Patronelli said yesterday that Iraq's promised “political reforms and the world's economic relief have nothing except that we fucking linked the two so’s we have a framework that will prevent those fucks in the Malicki government from going behind our backs and striking deals with other countries. Capiche.” "There is ability to monitor progress on each side---with drones. And then bomb the shit out of any progress that might rear its ugly ass," Patronelli said on the condition of anonymity because diplomacy continues behind the scenes.

"This Cheney. He Is One Greedy Fuck. No?"--Tel Azur, Head of The Istanbul Crime Syndicate

Most but not all governments holding Iraqi debt are not willing to discuss forgiving up to 80 percent, especially after the U.S. fucked them out of their previous agreements. The tacit theft by the U.S. already totals tens of billions of dollars and now the U.S. is asking those same countries to cover their own losses even though its the Americans who are responsible for those losses. Russia, Kuwait and China have resisted the most, sources say. “What’s the downside if we don’t help Cheney and his fucks,” said Chinese U.N. representative Cho Ling.

Through A Glaspie Darkly

Kuwait and Iran claim billions in compensation for damages incurred during Iraq's U.S. sanctioned invasion of the former and outright U.S. supported invasion of the latter in the 1980s and 1990s. Both countries also face internal political challenges in forgiving the U.S. not to mention what the U.S. says Iraq now owes even though it was Washington that armed and instigated both conflicts. The political challenges are due to ongoing sensitivities about the lives lost and physical destruction suffered at the hands of the U.S. and their proxy Iraq.

Iraq's U.S. sanctioned 1990 invasion of Kuwait produced widespread damage to the little city-state as well as its oil fields. "Nobody in Kuwait approves" of complete debt relief, al-Watan newspaper columnist Nabil al-Fadhl told the Associated Press yesterday. "This is huge money, it will be at the expense of development of our country. We need more cages for our Filippino guest workers and our malls might run short on Rolex’s for our American corporate friends."

Iran fought an eight-year war with U.S. supported and supplied Iraq in the 1980s that resulted in hundreds of thousands of casualties. Tehran claimed some $100 billion in damages from the U.S. which has led to the recent canard over Iran’s nuclear weapons. “Anyfuckin’excuse rather than pay up,” Iranian street market vendor Bandah Aleh told the Assassinated Press. “I thought the Americans were a courageous people. Honorable people would have removed those pricks in Washington. Besides didn’t that pussyhound Wolfowitz say Iraq could pay off its debt with its oil revenues?”