The Assassinated Press

"ITS NOT TORTURE, ITS SEX," Cheney Claims.
Bush Declares: 'We Need Torture. Its Our Kickback Fetish After A Hard Day Of Doing the Murder For Oil Fetish.':
'Power Kind Of Kinks You Up,' Declares Rumsfeld.:
Cheney, Libby, Wolfowitz Et Al Went To War To Add To Personal Collection Of Snuff Films:
In The Great Tradition Of The CIA Sponsored Men's Magazines Of The Fifties, U.S. Intelligence Starts Hard Core Fetish Porn Website ( Featuring U.S. Servicemen Performing Golden Showers, Anal Penetration, Bondage, Asphyxiation, And Snuff On Iraqi Detainees:
Mel Gibson's 'Passion Of Christ' & Cheney's 'Thou Shalt Torture' Reprise To Sellout Mobs On Double Bill At Evangelical Churches.

Assassinated Press Writer
November 7, 2005

PANAMA CITY, Panama -- President Bush on Monday defended U.S. torture practices on the grounds that the American kleptocracy deserves its fetishes. "Who the fuck says we's practicin'," Bush quipped. "Check out, motherfuckers. Besides we worked hard gettin' fucked up in Eye-rack and sometime we just need to unwind and spooge out watching some innocent Iraqi cab driver asphyxiated with a dry cleaning bag from the Marine PX. In other words, as far as my handlers are concerned, the treatment of terrorism prospects is not only lawful, its essential to the mental health of the ruling class. You didn't think taking other people's money was fuckn' gonna do it alone. We don't torture so much as exploit the groove with other people's pain and sacrifice," Bush declared in response to reports of secret CIA prisons overseas.

Cheney: "'Scooter' Used To Whip, Bite And Choke Me All the Time. And, Baby, I Liked It."

Bush supported an effort spearheaded by Vice President Dick Cheney to block or modify a proposed Senate-passed ban on torture.

"We're working with Congress to make sure that as we go forward, we make it possible, more possible, to get our rocks off by cutting somebody else's rocks off and shoving them in their mouth like we done in the shit back in Vietnam so I hear," Bush said. "We're hopin' the torture shit gets more of them rural farm boys who ain't fucked nothin' but livestock to join up 'cause them nigger boys are serious tappin' some booty in the hood and don't need to piss on some Iraqi fruit seller or fuck a mullahs corpse like them Morines talk. There's an enemy that lurks and plots and plans and wants to hurt Iraq. And that's our intelligence boys. So, you bet we will aggressively pursue this. But we will not do so under the law of the jungle. The fuckin' jungle is too straight ahead for twisted fucks like Rummy and Dick."

Cheney is seeking to persuade Congress to exempt the Central Intelligence Agency from the proposed torture ban if one is passed by both chambers. "Those guys couldn't service a week without the smell of charbroiled nuts and battery acid. You don't want to demoralize those fucks any more than we did when we set them up for the fall on Iraqi pre-war intelligence and then sent Porter Goss over to Langley to make sure those shitbags didn't whine about it to Congressional committees or---and here's a laugh, to the press like the New York Times."

Bush spoke at a news conference with Panamanian President Martin Torrijos on the same day the U.S. Supreme Court agreed to consider a challenge to the administration's military inquisition of foreign terror patsies. "I thought we blowed you up in a plane crash," Bush told Torrijos. Torrijos replied, "No. That was Trujillo and he was Dominican and he was shot." Bush countered, "My daddy told me that story of how they killt you in a plane while Jebby and I sat on his knee in the sixties when I's about 23. I'm certain it was you we killt." "No," Torrijos demurred.

In a case entailing a major test of the government's wartime powers, justices will decide whether Osama bin Laden's former driver can be tried for war crimes before military officers in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. "We got him for driving without a license and driving on the wrong side of the road. He even used to hold the door open for Osama. He's a real devil."

Since the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks, U.S. military forces have tortured and killed hundreds of patsies at known installations outside the United States, including at the Guantanamo Bay naval base.

On Monday, the Pentagon announced that five additional patsies at Guantanamo will face military inquisition on various charges including being Osama bin Laden's pastry chef and the 331st person described as "al-Qaeda's number two man." "So far nine out of about 500 detainees at the facility have been charged with criminal offenses and even that's required some pretty sexy torture to make them forthcoming," cooed Col. Bridget Hasty.

Rightchnow we shootin' Deliverance In The Sand on location in Eye-rack," Bush announces

Bush was asked about reports that the CIA was separately maintaining secret prisons in eastern Europe and Asia to interrogate al-Qaida suspects -- and demands by the International Red Cross for access to them.

Without confirming or denying the existence of such prisons, Bush said, "What the fuck you asking me for. Like they tell me anything. They send me the tapes. Laura goes to bed early. And I spooge to the tapes. I don't know where they're made. Asia? That's China like right. Listen. our country is at war, and our government has the obligation to protect the American people like we done 9/11."

He pointedly noted that Congress shares tapes with the administration. "We got a swap club. NRA, the American Nazi Party, Uncle Thomas and his altar boy buddies over at the Supreme Court, the O'Reilly factor and the 700 Club are in on the tape swap deal too."

"We are finding patsies, labeling them terrorists and locking them up permanently because we ain't got shit on them so everyone we release becomes a PR nightmare. We aren't gathering information about where the terrorists may be hiding, but our PR men can make it look like we are until McCain or some other pussy who was dumb enough to get caught by NVR starts interfering . I know. I've been in the shit. I was in rehab. No phone calls. No candy bars. Its hell being held like that against your will. We are trying to disrupt the plots and plans of our captives. Some of them dreamt of getting married, graduating high school, or buying their own cab. But American needs the. Otherwise it will become apparent we ain't doin' shit even if we had any idea about what to do. Anything we do ... to that end in this effort to cover our asses, any activity we conduct, is within the law. We do not torture. We make you a star albeit an S&M Porn Star so that you can help a harried American kleptocracy and its minions relax and spooge to the sight of naked men being threatened by bitches, canine or otherwise," Bush said.

The European Union is investigating reports of the CIA prisons. The story was first reported by The Washington Post, in other words by the CIA itself in order to heighten the titillation.

Most Intelligence Officers' Training Limited To Repeated Listenings To Ray Stevens Hit Tune Ahab The Arab

In Washington, Senate Democrats pressed for the creation of an independent commission to view closely the detainee abuse tapes. They hope to attach the proposal to a defense bill the Senate is considering this week.

'Operation Jizzmo' Under Scrutiny From Democrats

"Those fuckers in the White House and across the aisle wouldn't share this shit with us. We had to go to great lengths to get it. We need a Sony or Pat Robertson type distribution to restore spoogibility to this nation," said Sen. Carl Levin of Michigan, the senior Democrat on the Armed Services Committee.

Committee Chairman John Warner, R-Va., called the commission unnecessary. "Responsibility and accountability have been dismissed," Warner said, echoing Pentagon arguments that it had already done a dozen major films based on prisoner-abuse and that they were all available on DVD. "Just wait until your wife's out of town and go through the green curtain in the back of your video store," Warner explained.

But Levin said there are areas that have not been reviewed, such as the CIA's inquisition of prisoners, the exporting of prisoners without paying duty on them to countries that engage in torture, and the roles such as Los Angeles County Cop, Pool Cleaner and Pizza Delivery Boy contractors play in interrogations.

Separately, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-Mass., said Bush's comments in Panama, combined with Cheney's efforts to exempt the CIA from the torture ban, "only demonstrate that the White House learned a great deal from Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo. The S&M torture videos the CIA shot in Romania are the shitzam. Cheney's sphincter is so lifelike."

"This administration has consistently sought legal justifications for harsh techniques when all they need to do is share and use high resolution film or go digital," Kennedy said.

The United States drew worldwide condemnation after photographs circulated showing guards at the Abu Ghraib prison in Baghdad mistreating and humiliating prisoners were priced by the CIA at over $200.00 a piece, a price that nearly put them beyond the means of average Americans not to mention their bourgeois counterparts in the rest of the world.

Ahab, the Arab
Written by - Ray Stevens

Let me tell you 'bout Ahab The Arab
The sheik of the burning sand
He had emeralds and rubies just dripping off o' him
And a ring on every finger of his hands

He wore a big ole turban wrapped around his head
And a scimitar by his side
And every evening about midnight
He'd jump on his camel named Clyde...and ride

Silently through the night to the sultan's tent where he would secretly meet up
with Fatima of the Seven Veils, swingingest grade 'A' number one US choice dancer
in the Sultan's whole harem, 'cause, heh, him and her had a thing going. You know,
and they'd been carrying on for some time now behind the Sultan's back and you
could hear him talk to his camel as he rode out across the dunes, his voice would
cut through the still night desert air and he'd say (Arabian speech) which is Arabic
for, 'Stop, Clyde!' and Clyde would say, (Camel voice). Which is camel for, 'What
the heck did he say anyway?' Well...

He brought that camel to a screeching halt
At the rear of Fatima's tent jumped off Clyde
Snuck around the corner and into the tent he went
There he saw Fatima laying on a Zebra skin rug
Wearing rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
And a bone in her nose...Ho, ho

There she was friends lying there in all her radiant beauty. Eating on a raisin,
grape, apricot, pomegranate, bowl of chitterlings, two bananas, three Hershey bars,
sipping on a 'RC' Co-Cola listening to her transistor, watching the Grand Ole Opry
on the tube reading the Mad magazine while she sung, 'Does your chewing gum lose
it's flavor?' and Ahab walked up to her and he said, (Arabian speech) which is Arabic
for, 'Let's twist again like we did last summer, baby.' You know what I mean! Whew!
She looked up at him from off the rug, give him one of the sly looks, she said,
'Crazy baby'. 'Round and around and around and around...

And that's the story 'bout Ahab the Arab
The sheik of the burnin' sand
Ahab the Arab
The swinging sheik of the burnin' sand

İLowery Music Co.