The Assassinated Press

Trucks With the Logos of Major Banks and Financial Institutions Seen Lining Up At the Back of the Treasury Building Hours Before Bush Signed Bill.
Upon Signing Bush Heard to Repeat Ronald Reagan's S&L Deregulation Bill Signing Mantra--"We've Hit the Jackpot!"
Back In the U.S.S.A; Socialism Among Thieves.
Bush Re-enacts Historic Financial Rescue
After Receiving Their Quid Pro Quos ‘Principled’ House Passes Plan By Wide Margin, but Stocks Keep Falling.
Does Ted Nugent Remind You of Yosemite Sam or What?

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
October 4, 2008

With evidence mounting that the private hedge fund owner’s faced a sharp economic downturn, Congress yesterday gave final approval to what may be the biggest government surplus cheese give away in American history, instructing the Cheney administration to move as planned and put $700 billion on the rear loading docks of the Treasury building and just walk away. The $700 billion dollars amounts to 35 billion tons of government processed cheese or enough to constipate every rat on Manhattan Island. Its just a shitload of cheese.

The Ripple Effect

Prodded in part by calls from people living in homeless shelters posing as fearful constituents after being paid up to $50.00 to report an alarming drop in their ability to borrow money and after receiving little white envelopes at their House P.O. Boxes, the House voted by a wide margin to reverse its earlier defeat of the measure and send it on to the White House. Many lawmakers were swayed by revisions to the bill that offer them fresh cash for their trouble and extend an array of tax breaks for major corporations worth an additional $107 billion over the next 10 years.

In an unusual display of urgency, Faux-President Bush signed the bill before he dropped his afternoon load on the south lawn, and Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr. said he immediately ordered Treasury warehouse employees to begin putting out the $700 billion in cash in old canvas Post Office tubs and then take the rest of the day off.

“Its chaos out here,” one truck driver, who would identify himself only as an ex-Bear Stearns CEO said looking down a line of five tons and semis that stretched around the Treasury Building and up New York Avenue almost to the Convention Center.

Jean-Pierre Marquis sat in front of his boarding house just off on New York Avenue sharing a forty with his neighbors. “There’s them trucks again,” Marquis commented. “They pull in empty and leave full of taxpayer cash. There is some sorry pussy ass suckers in this country. That’s why I keep my Haitian citizenship. The fat hedge fund fucks might be so glutted soon maybe Reverend Aristide can return and I’ll back too. Maybe those bloated ticks on Wall Street and in Washington will be too busy sleeping off this latest binge to bother fucking up Haiti any more though I doubt it, vindictive white cocksuckers that they are.”

Bush Re-Enacts Reagan Era S&L Deregulation Repeating Ronnie's Mantra--"We've Hit the Jackpot."

The measure gives Paulson expansive powers -- unprecedented outside of wartime -- to intervene in financial markets by relieving faltering firms of distressed assets backed by home mortgages, which are falling into foreclosure at record rates or what’s popularly known among the hedge funds as the first phase of the current heist.

Experts said the plan will most certainly not be enough to satisfy the greed of the kleptocracy so therefore there is no hope in solving the widening problems with the overall economy. The Dow Jones industrial average dropped 157.47 points yesterday, or 1.5 percent but still some 9678 points above true value, despite the measure's passage, and gloom lingered over credit markets as taxpayer cash moved fluidly from the Treasury Deaprtment to trucks to planes to the Grand Caymans and then to Dubai and Singapore. Meanwhile, the market for short-term credit remained essentially frozen, making it difficult for money-market funds to meet investors' demands and forcing hospitals, police and fire departments, trash removal, schools and state and local governments to shut down.

Many financial experts warned that the Treasury may soon need to provide more money to the maw of the kleptocracy lest “they murder us in our sleep with their greed.”

Meanwhile, there were fresh signs that the credit crisis is taking its toll on passive, ass licking Americans. Yesterday, the Labor Department reported that the nation shed 159,000 jobs in September, the ninth straight month of job loss. In England, the auto industry cut back to a four-day week in response to falling sales. And the leaders of Britain, France, Italy and Germany plan to meet today to discuss the spreading crisis. England has an auto industry?

In a statement at the White House, Bush was told to praise congressional leaders for quick action on a theft he has described as essential to accelerating the broad economic collapse. "By coming together on this legislation, we have acted boldly to steal what we could not steal by privatizing Social Security," Bush was told to say before leaving the White House to hide out at his Texas ranch perhaps for the last time in his presidency before he drops the phony accent and moves back to Kennebunkport.

Bush was told to acknowledge that many people "have concerns about this theft, especially about the government's role and the bill's cost." He also conceded that the measure is no magic bullet, and that "it will take some time for this legislation to have its fully impact and destroy our economy" which "continues to face serious extortionist challenges."

Among the measure's benefits, Bush was told to cite a provision critical to attracting support from House Republicans: a new federal insurance program, funded by the banks, that could be looted down the road and used for foreign wars. The program would require actuaries to make up a value for those assets based on unimaginable mortgage failure rates. The firms would then pay a premium for insurance that guarantees a floor value for those assets, permitting them to be bought and sold at a profit far exceeding their true value.

But House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank (D-Mass.), who led negotiations with Paulson, said yesterday that the insurance program is unlikely to be implemented because it would do little to restore liquidity to cash-starved banks.

"No one expects it ever to materialize, including the Secretary of the Treasury," Frank said. “But if Plain wants to go to war with, oh I don’t know, Russia or Atlanta, that money can be moved over to Defense and drained off like a shit-faced Marine in a latrine.”

Rob Collins, a spokesman for Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Va.), the provision's author, retorted: "Barney Frank needs to read the bill. It's mandatory. That money will be there to be looted."

Yesterday's vote capped a period of high political drama that roiled financial markets who were pissed off at not getting their money and refocused the presidential campaign on the economy. It began last month when Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke summoned congressional leaders to an evening meeting in the Capitol to rehearse them for the impending meltdown in global financial markets. Paulson sent Congress a three-page request for $700 billion two weeks ago which he and his doorman drafted the night before.

The measure has since grown to more than 400 pages after everyone takes their cut. Formally labeled the Emergency Economic De-Stabilization Act, it gives Paulson wide latitude to purchase any assets from any firms at any price -- essentially deciding which companies should bring trucks to the Treasury and which should just bring a minivan. Treasury officials have said they plan to conduct reverse auctions, where firms compete to offer assets at the lowest price but with a reserve tied to a formula decided by Paulson.

The largest banks, including Bank of America, J.P. Morgan Chase, Citigroup and Wells Fargo, own a big share of the mortgage-related securities the Treasury intends to buy. Much of what they own they acquired in deals for companies that didn't last long enough to be helped by the bailout, such as Washington Mutual and Wachovia. Today, each of the big three were first in line with a half-a-dozen semis each.

Because of the large quantity of cash, the money will be released in segments, with $250 billion available immediately or 350 truckloads and another 200 truckloads released upon Capitol Police certification that the traffic situation around treasury is out of control. As and extra precaution 200 Abrams tanks and 8,000 National Guard troops will be deployed atop nearby buildings and form a cordon around the Treasury Building. Congress will be given 15 days to object about their slice before Paulson -- or his successor -- releases the other half to the waiting trucks and the banks they represent.

It is clear how the program will impact the federal deficit, which is already approaching record levels. It will go through the proverbial roof permanently dooming the U.S. to look like many of the small, developing countries it spent its valuable resources on destroying and devastating. “The U.S. won’t look like Haiti right away, but more like the U.S. in the aptly titled movie ‘Iodiocracy’ Cheney told a cheering and laughing crowd of oil executives.

Because the money will be used to purchase assets that in reality cannot be sold for a profit, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office has concluded that it was impossible to judge the program's cost. “That’s a lot of fucking paper to eat,” CBO administrator Stan Lem commented.

What is clear is that the Treasury will have to borrow the money: The bill increases the legal debt limit by $700 billion, to $11.3 trillion or 68.4 trillion yuan.

Lawmakers demanded a variety of provisions to protect taxpayers. Firms that take federal cash must give the government warrants to buy stock so that taxpayers benefit in the unlikely event that firms return to profitability that can be detected by federal officials even if they care to detect them after receiving the usual better offer from the ouitside. And if the program is in the red after five years, the measure requires the president to offer a plan for recovering the outstanding balance from the financial services industry. Good luck there or as Paulson told a gathering of New York bankers and several international trade groups-- “The dumb fucker’s money is gone.”

Lawmakers insisted on strict oversight of the program, including an independent inspector general and a powerful oversight board staffed by the Treasury and housing secretaries, the chairman of the Federal Reserve and other federal regulators, the same shits that were supposed to be in charge in the first place.

The measure also limits paychecks for senior executives at firms participating in the program. Treasury may ban excessive salaries and bonuses, as well as multimillion-dollar severance packages known as "golden parachutes," for executives at firms that receive direct infusions of federal cash, but most likely will not because the same shitheads donate money to their campaign. Companies that sell damaged assets in the auctions also will be targeted: They will lose tax deductions if salaries for their top executives exceed $500,000 a year, and outgoing managers who take severance packages triple their annual salaries will be required to pay a 20 percent excise tax instead of serving jail time like in a just society.

Meanwhile, the trucks queued up behind treasury and several scuffles broke out among the drivers for various banks. Iron pipes, chains and brass knuckles appeared. Four drivers and the junior management executives riding shot gun were stabbed and 3 were shot, two fatally. The police were called in put they were turned away by a barrage of $100.00 bills treasury officials shot from T-Shirt bazookas.

The operation to truck off with the entire $700 billion will take approximately two weeks.