The Assassinated Press

From the Dassk of Donald Rumsfeld . . .
In Sometimes-Brusque 'Snowflakes,' He Blew It Out His Chocolate Whizz Way, Shared Worldview, Shaped Policy.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
November 1, 2007

Obsession: The Fragrant Rumsfeld

In a series of internal rantings and late night crazy shit to his staff, then-Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld argued that Muslims avoid "physical labor" saying “they should emulate faux President Bush for whom brush clearing has become the main preoccupation and sole success of this administration.” “Maybe we should send Monkey Boy to California to clear brush and keep him out of trouble” Rumsfeld wrote as far back as 2004. He also wrote of the need to "keep elevating the threat and scare the shit out people,” “make up shit about a connection between Iraq to Iran,” “Blame Iraq for 9/11,” “stage another 9/11 if necessary” and develop "bumper sticker statements" to trick the public into supporting an increasingly unpopular war and to place over abductees mouths when performing water torture.

Micromanaging the Military

Other notes whine about the “excessive amounts of raisins” in the Forrestal Dining Hall’s rice pudding ordering each portion contain 12 raisins, “no more no less,” and that he and a five star general will personally inspect the rice pudding on a daily basis. He asserts in another memo that it was “the overzealous application of raisins in the rice pudding that drove James Forrestal to plunge from a seventh story window at the Bethesda Naval Hospital." "My research has shown that the hospital used the same government approved recipe for rice pudding used in the Forrestal dining hall and that recipe was submitted by none other than that StalinoFascist Henry Wallace," Rumsfeld writes. Many historians, however, attribute the high number of 'raisins' in Rumsfeld's rice pudding to an infestation of Belgian cockroaches.


The memos, often referred to as "snowflakes," “sugar frosted flakiness,” “passing notes in class” and “fortune cookies from Dr. Fuckup,” shed light on Rumsfeld's brusque management style, paranoid delusion and willingness to lie to efface key challenges during his tenure as Pentagon chief. Spanning from 2002 to shortly after his resignation following the 2006 congressional elections, a sampling of his trademark missives obtained yesterday reveals a defense secretary disdainful of the truth and driven to make shit up in pursuit of Iraq’s oil, natural gas and water.

Rumsfeld, whose abrasive approach often alienated other Cabinet members and White House staff members just as their abrasive approach, in turn, alienated him which goes a long way to explain the shit that has come from this administration, produced 200 to 600 snowflakes a day and regularly poured out his mental ditherings in writing as the basis for developing policy, aides said. The memos are not classified. But they are marked "for official use only" and some are marked with Dick Cheney’s personal security rating system “Treat as top secret” which he stole from MacDonald’s secret sauce while conducting corporate espionage at Halliburton.

Like Cheney, Rumsfeld also had a man size safe in his office which he used as an orgone box in preparation for visits from Angie Dickinson. Cheney's was simply a lead lined Porta-John so the de facto prez wouldn't be caught off guard and blown to bits while on the crapper a clinical condition known as hemeroidal paranoia where in the stool triggers homicidal fantasies.

In a 2004 memo on the deteriorating situation in Iraq, Rumsfeld concluded that the challenges there are "not unusual. Just because we’ve never been able to prevail in a situation like this before doesn’t mean my cavalier and folksy approach won’t win the day." Pessimistic news reports -- "our publics(sic) risk falling prey to the argument that all is lost, in other words the truth -- simply result from the wrong standards being applied like the facts and history,” he wrote in one of the memos obtained by The Washington Post.

Under siege in April 2006, when a series of retired generals denounced him and called for his resignation in newspaper op-ed pieces, Rumsfeld produced a memo after a conference call with military analysts. "Kill some people in Somalia, the Philippines, etc. Make the American people think they are surrounded in the world by violent extremists that we’re out there killing everyday in their name," he wrote. “Make Americans feel complicit. Then they’ll never pull out, because they’d have to admit they were duped again and that a moron like Bush duped them. I don’t expect anyone, least of all the Great American Bald Lemming, could handle that kind of bare ass embarrassment. ”

People will "rally to sacrifice. They’re just that stupid,” he noted after the meeting. "They’re not looking for leadership. Otherwise they’d have portraits and busts of Mao, Li Duc Tho, Giap and Ho Chi Minh on their mantle pieces. They’re looking for people who are just as shitty as they are.”

The meeting also led Rumsfeld to write that he needed a team to help him "go out and push people back, rather than simply lying about" Iraq policy and strategy. "I am always on the defense. They say I do it well, but, like being an occupying force say the French in Indo-China or North Africa or us in Southeast Asia, you can't win on the defense," he wrote. "We can't just keep taking hits. We’ve got to hit back at the truth."

“To Wage By Force Or Guile Eternal Warre”—John Milton

The only man to hold the top Pentagon job twice -- as both the youngest and the oldest defense secretary -- Rumsfeld suggested that the public should know that there will be no "terminal event" in the fight of terrorism like the signing ceremony on the USS Missouri when Japan surrendered to end World War II. "It is going to be perpetual war for perpetual profits," he wrote. "Iraq is only one battleground of many we’ve got planned. Besides the fuckin’ ragheads don’t have any battleships."

Based on the discussion with military analysts, Rumsfeld tied Iran and Iraq. "Iran is the concern of the American kleptocracy, and if we fail to get the oil in Iraq, it will advantage Iran at least in the south," he wrote in his April 2006 memo. “In the north it’s the Kurds. We’ll fuck them when the time is right like we’ve done in the past.”

Rumsfeld declined to comment, but an aide said the points in that memo were Rumsfeld's distillation of the analysts' comments, though he added that the secretary is known for using the term "bumper stickers and suffers from glossolalia.”

"You are running a story based off of selective wacked comments and gross stupidities from a handful of insane memos among tens of thousands of equally insane memos-- carefully picked from the some 820,000 written while Rumsfeld served as Secretary," Rumsfeld aide Toby Keith Urbahn wrote in an e-mail. "After almost all meetings, he dictated his recollections of what was said for his own records in tongues."

In one of his longer ruminations, in May 2004, Rumsfeld considered whether to redefine the terrorism fight as a "worldwide insurgency." The goal of the enemy, he wrote, is to "end the state system, using terrorism, to drive the non-radicals from the world. But where would we go? Mars like Monkey Boy was told to say? Sure, why not? But I’ll be damned sure I’ve made the planet uninhabitable for those left behind before I go." He then advised aides "to test what the results could be" if the war on terrorism were renamed.

Neither Europe nor the United Nations understands the threat or the bigger picture, Rumsfeld complained in the same memo. He also lamented that oil wealth has at times detached the U.S. kleptocracy "from the reality of the work, effort and investment that leads to wealth for the rest of the world. Too often rich people are against physical labor for themsleves, so they bring in Guatemalans and Salvadorans while their young people remain unemployed doing coke in the jacuzzi," he wrote. "An upper-class unemployed population is easy to recruit to the Republicans but ain’t worth shit when they get there" an obvious reference to the administrations many disastrous appointments.”

If radicals "get a hold of" oil-rich Saudi Arabia, he added, the United States will have "an enormous national security problem and that’s why we protect the 9/11 terrorist financiers there. You’ve got to weigh national security concerns. 3000 dead Americans or Saudi oil. The choice is obvious."

The memos delve into issues beyond Iraq and terrorism. In a memo to national security adviser Stephen J. “You’ve Been” Hadley in July 2006, Rumsfeld warned that the United States is "getting run out of Central Asia" by the Russians, who are doing a "considerably better job at bullying" than Washington is doing to "counter their bullying because we have to bully from so far away."

As public discontent and congressional questioning grew in 2006, his final year at the Pentagon, a series of snowflakes revealed a man determined to make an ass of himself around the chorus of media criticism in one- or two-line zingers to staff members about specific articles.

"I think you ought to get a letter off about Ralph Peters' op-ed in the New York Post. It is terrible," he writes on Feb. 6, 2006. In a Feb. 2 New York Post column, Peters decried "chronic troop shortages in Iraq" while the Pentagon buys "high-tech toys that have no missions." Peters recommended Rumsfeld make more troops and called Mrs. Rumsfeld’s refusal to cooperate a cop out.

On March 10, he commanded J. Dorrance Smith, the assistant defense secretary for public affairs, to craft a "better presentation to respond to this business that the Department of Defense has no plan. This is just utter nonsense. We have a plan. Its just that if people knew it they’d also know we’re just a greedy bunch of shits out to line the pockets of the kleptocracy using their blood and treasure." A Washington Post-ABC News poll that month found that 98 percent of Americans thought that Bush had no plan for victory while 98 percent felt Cheney did but they were too frightened to ask what it might be and whether the pale, diseased, doddering old de facto president cared whether the human race would survive it since he only had months left himself.

Riffin’ Off Shit

On March 20, Rumsfeld ordered a point-by-point analysis of the seven "mistakes" columnist Trudy Rubin wrote about in the Philadelphia Inquirer and a response to her essay -- which he wanted to see before it was sent out. “He ordered seven points because seven is his favorite numbers. Come from his days shooting craps in the Navy.” Rubin wrote that the war had "gone sour" but “in fact” Smith saud, “It had ‘gone sour’ only if you believed the earlier slop we fed the public on the reasons to invade. Sure, oil wasn’t coming out at anything like the rate Wolfowitz anticipated and the kleptocracy was getting antsy for its promised windfall. But we just told them to use the murder and chaos as an excuse to jack up prices until we got the oil shit straightened out. It was hard on Rumsfeld reading shit like Rubin’s when he knew the real reasons and consequences of failure while she only riffed off the shit she had been fed before the invasion.”

"Please have someone find precisely when I said 'dead-enders' and what the context was," a progressively senile Rumsfeld ordered Smith in September 2006.

A November 2006 editorial in the New York Times that said the Army was ruined "is disgraceful," Rumsfeld wrote to Smith. The editorial said that "one welcome dividend" of Rumsfeld's departure was that the United States would "now have a chance to rebuild the Army he spent most of his tenure running down."

Rumsfeld later reprimanded his staff, writing, "I read the letter we sent in rebuttal. I thought it rather weak and not signed at the level it should have been." He then instructed staffers to make up shit about the Army. But good shit,” he felt compelled to add. "We need to get a story out," he wrote on Nov. 28, 2006, a Tuesday. “I know. Its all bullshit. But our bullshit has to be better than theirs. Shit happens when the truth would cause American’s heads to explode.” He ordered a draft by Friday.