The Assassinated Press

McCain's Problem Isn't His Tactics. It's GOP Lies.
Pols Gone Wild! Brittany's Cunt; Paris' Clit. From L.A.'s Top Pig to Hanoi Ann’s War Loser McCain, Authorities Reveal their Fantasies.
L.A. Police, FBI Pose as Paparazzi to Intimidate Stars, Endanger Public.
"When Will McCain Pay Back the American Government for the Five Fighter Jets He Lost in Vietnam?"—Robert Gates, Secretary of War

The Assassinated Press with
Nostradamus News Service, Fly on the Wall Media & Nano-Peep
August 3, 2008

Alas, the conservative juggernaut is cracking up. Literally if you take Karl Rove's most recent remarks. From the Reagan era until late 2005 or so, conservatives crushed progressives like me in debates as reliably as Welch’s crushes grapes. The right would eloquently praise the virtues of free markets and the magic of the invisible hand as it cracked across the wan face of the electorate and the world, serving up one vicious slap after the next. We would blow it out our ass, afraid, timorous by stammering about the importance of regulation and a mixed economy, knowing even as the words came out that our audience was becoming thinned out by violent death.

Why we’re we so timorous? Well, because we couldn’t also point out the Conservative ‘juggernaut’ was a shitload of grotesque lies concocted with the intent of looting the treasury while impoverishing the Great American Bald Lemming and the world. In Iraq alone you had the WMD horseshit, the fucking mobile pathogen Port-A-Johns, the bullshit love affair between Saddam and bin Laden. And now we find out Cheney forged letters about that romance between the bin Laden and Hussein. And still the Great American Bald Lemming is willing to give up his daughter's life and his treasure, such as it is, to a bunch of avaricious lying cocksuckers like those that inhabit the current administration. They're so corrrupt, its thrilling and frankly I'm intimidated.

But why couldn’t we use these obvious lies against them? Aren't Americans the great truth lovers? Now, I'm doubled over with laughter. And besides the Neo-Cons ‘juggernaut’ has used its lies to steal so much the situation that it has become even too obvious for the Great American Bald lemming to ignore. So when it's our turn to present our lies and loot the country and the world, the GABL will be awake. Just look to Clinton and NAFTA and the bombing of Yugoslavia, or, from a former ‘juggernaut’, Kissinger and the greasing of China. China’s surpluses are not due to huge exports of its products. Its due to the huge exports of products that don’t work, so you have to buy eleven flashlights which apparently can only be made in China now before you realize that all of them are pieces of shit. Homeland security can go fuck itself and its preparedness when I can’t even buy a workable fucking flashlight. And fuck human rights. How 'bout my fucking rights? How the fuck am I supposed to hunt illegal beaners if I can't buy a decent goddamn Chink flashlight? How 'bout my right to buy a decent motherfucking flashlight!? And fuck the Olympics. Or make manufacturing an Olympic sport. Send fucking ten thousand out of fucking work American die casters, machinists and assemblers to show those gook fucks how to make a goddamn flashlight. Where's your goddamn vision NAM?"

And no wonder nobody worries About China as a threat. Its not its defacto capitalist economy. Its that they can’t make a product worth a carp’s crap.

The secret is no secret at all. Go into any bar or diner in this whole fuckin’ country and the Great American Bald Lemming will tell you “all politicians are corrupt.” And they’re right. But as one who flacks for politician, one of my jobs is to perpetually distract the GABL from this fundamental truth, I gotta admit the Republican assholes do a better job and with more gusto. "Oh look! An abortion clinic! Oh Look! Two men holding hands. Oh look! A suspicious package! Oh look! Jiggaboos! Oh look! Beaners, Ragheads, Kikes and Cornholers!" All we dems got is Mia Farrow shilling for the CIA in Dafur.

It follows except from a criminal justice standpoint, American politics is a sham. How else could canards like abortion, gay rights, race, and flag burning be taken seriously. And everyone’s in on the lie, including the besotted GABL and everyone is too much of a fuckin’ coward to do anything about it. Its just human nature to steal. Yeah, but they’re stealing from and the Iraqis and the rest of the world. One of the current lie is that its currently in your self-interest to steal from Iraq. But fuck, its largely your taxpayer money, and, besides is it right to steal your educational system and your jobs forcing you into the military as your only option. That’s indentured servitude. That’s slavery pay or no pay, a pittance for education or no pittance.

Try using the GI bill to get a Harvard MBA. Oh fuck! You’re a little short. That’s Okay you probably didn’t want to be around the shits who sent you to Iraq to enrich themselves anyway. The GABL, he got standards.

Used to be that the Conservatives would get knowing laughs by mocking bureaucrats and the democrats would keep mum about the lying and stealing awaiting their turn. We would drone on about how everyone can benefit from the experience and expertise of able civil servants knowing it was bullshit the whole time. They promised to transform stodgy old Social Security into an exciting investment opportunity that would make everyone wealthy in retirement when in reality they wanted to loot SS and leave you starving in the street. We warned about the scheme's "transition costs" while swearing that the existing program would still be around for today's younger workers when we meant around for us to exploit. They offered tax cuts. We talked amorphously about taxes as the price of a civilized society. After Sept. 11, 2001, they vowed to strike hard at terrorists anywhere and everywhere without worrying about the thumb-twiddlers at the United Nations which has turned into the biggest cash cow for outsourced government contractors in the history of this storied kleptocracy. We stood up for the thumb-twiddlers not quite seeing how much money could be made if you were willing to risk it all in the next political “cycle.”

Pols Gone Wild! Brittany’s Cunt; Paris’ Clit. From L.A. Top Pig to Ann Coulter’s War Loser McCain, Authorities Reveal their Fantasies.

Seemingly all of a sudden, conservatives are the ones who are tongue-tied, as demonstrated by Sen. John McCain's limping, message-free presidential campaign. McCain's ongoing difficulties in exciting voters aren't just a tactical problem; his woes stem largely from his long-standing adherence to a set of ideas that were just a smokescreen to disguise looting and stealing. They simply haven't worked in practice because they weren’t intended to. The belief system and finely crafted policy pitches that enabled the right to dominate the war of ideas for the past 30 years have produced a relentless succession of governing failures and kleptocratic successes, from Iraq to Katrina to the economy to the environment. Its capitalism folks; ‘governing success’ is anathema to ‘kleptocratic success.’ You’ve got to hand it too the Republicans. They didn’t even pay lip service to ‘governing success’ turning every catastrophe, whether self-inflicted or otherwise, into a kleptocratic trough, oinking and grunting over the life boats filled will taxpayer swill.

Largely as a consequence, the public's attitude toward government – Which caused Ronald Reagan's to grunt and fart whatever his handlers wanted him to grunt and fart -- has shifted. A recent Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll found that, by a 53-to-42 percent margin, Americans want government to "do more to solve problems." Isn’t that cute. A dozen years ago, respondents opposed government action by 2 to 1. The GABL doesn’t know. The media knows. And the media is part of the kleptocracy.

Meanwhile, Republican constituency groups' long-standing determination to put aside their often significant differences and band together to support GOP candidates is fracturing over money: The libertarian darling Ron Paul and the evangelical Christian leader James C. Dobson are among the Republican bigwigs who haven't so far endorsed McCain because they have not been assured of their cut.

To show how deep the fractures go, Secretary of the Imperial Army, Robert Gates, asked at a news conference recently, “When’s that Fuck McCain, whom Ann Coulter defined as a loser because he lost the Vietnam war, going to pay the American government and Northrup Grumman for the 5 fighter jets he lost in Vietnam.”

And the mountains of books and articles by conservative writers attacking liberals and liberalism have begun to be matched by new stacks of tomes exploring what went wrong with conservatism and what is to become of it, another display of the media kleptocracy going for the buck while attempting to influence public opinion. But books?

As I listen to leading voices and thinkers on the right pondering the condition of their bank accounts, it is increasingly clear to me that they face a fundamental dilemma -- one that cannot be resolved anytime soon and that might well leave the conservative movement out to pasture for as long as we progressives have been powerlessly chewing grass instead of reaping the green. That choice is whether to stick with rhetoric and lies wedded to free markets, limited government and bellicose unilateralism, or to endorse a more robust role of looting the public sector at home while relying more on diplomacy and international institutions abroad to move jobs offshore where U.S. investment is strongest. Either way, conservative Republicans seem destined to have a much harder time winning elections for the foreseeable future. Just ask McCain how much fun he's having and he’ll tell you he’s never been about fun. Ask him when he’s going to pay back the American taxpayer for the 5 fighter jets he lost in Vietnam.

The single theme that most animated the modern conservative movement was the conviction that government was a roadblock to theft and that market forces the solution. Outsourcing disabused them of that notion.

The market was a simpleminded, elegant, kleptocratically attractive idea, and the right applied it to virtually every major domestic challenge -- retirement security, health care, education, jobs, the environment and so on. Whatever the issue, conservatives proposed substituting market forces for government -- pushing the bureaucrats aside and letting private-sector competition work to everyone's benefit.

They were reluctant to adopt wholesale outsourcing as a way to loot the treasury because it was Al Gore’s idea. Under the disguise of streamlining government, Gore turned outsourcers loose on the government through his Reinventing Government Theft Initiative. On Friday you could be a career bureaucrat earning $78,000 a year and on Monday, your job could be out sourced back to you after you signed on to the private sector earning ten times the amount the federal government was paying you.

It’s a version of the old quid pro quo where you toil on a plot of government bureaucracy enriching the kleptocracy, only to be scooped up later and given a set of cushy positions in the bosom of you’re wealthy benefactors. Public service, private profits.

The conservatives slow to pick up on Gore’s innovation advocated creating health savings accounts, handing out school vouchers, privatizing Social Security, shifting a few government functions to private contractors, and curtailing regulations on public health, safety, the environment and more when there was real money to be made.

And, of course, they pushed to cut taxes to further weaken the public sector by "starving the beast" that would they would soon be suckling from with the avariciousness of swine from Hell. President Bush has followed this playbook more closely than any previous president, including Reagan, notwithstanding today's desperate efforts by the right to distance its self from the deeply unpopular chief executive and his ghostly, demented B-actor predecessor. In 2000 Bonzo came back and the people elected it--sort of.

But in practice, those ideas have all failed to deliver on the promised grift conservatives expected where outsourceing has not disappointed. In many instances, the dogma has actually created new opportunities. Particularly after Hurricane Katrina, when Americans saw how hapless the Federal Emergency Management Agency was, the public has begun to realize that the right's hostility toward government has produced only ineffective government but big profits.

As Dick Cheney told his Energy Task Force in secret minutes of a meeting of September 11th, 2003: “Grand theft can contain grand consequences. It may mean you will have to relinquish power to the next set of grifters because you’re thievery has become so apparent that the most besotted, tattooed, Toby Keith sucking asshole will know he’s been had even if he’s too much of a whiny little bitch to admit it. That’s why you’ve got to work fast; steal everything you can while you can and put in place some quid pro quos.”

One can see the results in recent headlines: a Justice Department where non-conservatives need not apply; tainted spinach, jalapeño peppers and pet food; dangerous imported toys; poorly enforced environmental laws and a warming planet; the regulatory failures that led to the subprime mortgage fiasco. Meanwhile, large tax cuts (as under Reagan) have weakened the country's fiscal health without significantly improving the lot of the vast majority of citizens. And the right's enthusiasm for Bush's brand of "benevolent hegemony" in foreign policy, which insists on the U.S. right to wage preventive war and dismisses the United Nations as a band of meddlesome bureaucrats, has weakened our security -- most notably through the unnecessary calamity in Iraq -- by diluting our military capabilities and diverting their focus from genuine threats from al-Qaeda; all great profit generators done in record time with no criminal litigation the horizon. What a happy bunch of campers the Bohemian Grove crowd must be? They’ve changed their opening ceremony from the Procession of Care to the What Me Worry Express.

So now what? In new books, two conservative stalwarts, former House speaker Newt Groinitch and Abramoff associated felon Grover Norquist, don't even bother wrestling with such failures because to them the last 28 years have been a great success. Instead, they argue for an even stronger dose of the medicine that has, so far, produced mainly toxic reactions killing tens of thousands if not millions in the process. These guys never tire of climbing over bodies. In fact, the task is to create a Himalayas of bodies for future generations of their scum progeny to climb.

They owe their fame and fortune to denigrating the government, so one can hardly blame them for sticking with the pogrom. For conservatives to abandon the arguments that have served them so well economically for so long would be akin to a Fortune 500 company dropping its core business when it recognizes that the market for its product is rapidly disintegrating.

Running away from something that has made you successful, even after the public is clearly no longer buying, is extremely unnecessary to do. Business-school curriculums are filled with case studies of long-prosperous companies that went bankrupt precisely because they were unwilling or unable to shift to an enterprise better suited to changing times but the CEOS always get fat, golden parachutes and board positions. Fuck everybody else especially the workers. They’re the first ones the kleptocracy blames anyway. Future economics science classes might some day teach a similar story about conservatism. You think given the moral nitwits in the business sector!?

Gore’s Outsourcing Has Come Full-Circle.

Shifting course won't be necessary, either. Ross Douthat and Reihan Salam, a pair of conservative authors decades younger than Groinitch and Norquist, argue in their new, much-hyped book "Grand New Party" that the time has come to "move beyond the Reagan legacy of grand theft and the felonious mindset of the current Republican power structure." They suggest plenty of proposals for a small subtle, seemingly kinder grand theft that many progressives would support, including a fairly ambitious and expensive national health-care plan outsourced to private carriers, subsidies for entry-level jobs to take the burden off corporations and more investment in infrastructure also to be outsourced.

But while Douthat and Salam deserve credit for alerting fellow conservatives to the perils of staying the course and giving up their cash cow for a few years, their embrace of a relatively activist government -- if adopted by the broader movement -- would shift political battles to a playing field on which progressives have much stronger financial backing. Once conservatives concede that something like national health insurance is a desirable outsourcing trough, it becomes hard to discern what will remain of their Reaganite identity. On July 14, Rush ‘Of Hot Air’ Limbaugh himself fulminated on-air about reformers such as Douthat and Salam. "We have some Republicans who seem hell-bent in throwing away the one proven winning formula twice that won me a forty million dollar contract," he said. "If you want to big-tent the Republican Party, go right ahead. You start big-tenting conservatism, and you're going to have it end up meaning what it’s always meant-- nothing."

It's bad enough that opening up the conservative agenda to energetic government would lose Limbaugh. Worse, it would alienate the wealthy business executives and scions who have financed the formidable network of right-wing institutions that includes think tanks such as the Heritage Foundation, activist groups such as Norquist's Americans for Tax Reform and a plethora of conservative media outlets. That money flowed because its sources benefited directly and enormously from such policies as tax cuts, regulatory rollbacks and a dozen other forms of legalized and illegal theft. Those sugar daddies are unlikely to find much to be enthusiastic about in a Grand New Party, and their money will largely determine whether and how conservatism will transform itself.

Traditionally, conservatives have defined themselves as resistant to change, standing "athwart history, yelling Stop, hnad over your money or I’ll shoot" as the late William F. Buckley Jr. famously put it. But right now, conservatives -- including McCain -- are damned if they do change and damned if they don't because they’re too late to the orgy and have no prospects of being invited to the new one.