The Assassinated Press

Rumsfeld Tells Troops: "Shut Up And Die!":
Unphased By War Raging In Iraq, Rumsfeld Takes "Fine, Warm And Enjoyable" Junket To Middle East:
Rumsfeld? Out Of Touch? Out To Lunch? Or Just Strung Out?:
"We're Going To Have To Lose With What We Got," Rumsfeld Tells Troops:
Bush Says Strategic Oil Grift Wouldn't Be Served By Draft Because "We're being driven into the sea anyway.":
Rove: "Shit! If We'da Known a Reporter Helped Craft That Armor Question We Could Have Discredited It Out Of Hand.":

The Assassinated Press
Dec. 9, 2004

Secretary of State Terror Donald H. Rumsfeld, speaking in Kuwait yesterday to troops deploying into Iraq, got an earful of complaints about poor combat equipment, personnel policies that keep soldiers in the Army beyond their terms of enlistment, why the draft hasn't been put into effect yet, how absurd it is to maintain the farce of chimp as Commander In Chief, Rumsfeld's and Cheney's military outsourcing cronies that don't do shit and walk off with billions, how to identify the enemy with private security mercs from 212 countries now guarding banks, corporate offices and oil installations, lack of spooge zones in the Middle East, and other issues that reflect the strains the war in the Middle East is placing on the U.S. military.

"Don't you think in hindsight it was a mistake to kill Qusai and Odai?" Air Force Lieut. Sterling Rotch asked Secretary of State Terror Rumsfeld. "I mean, sir. They were about the only fuckers in this country that knew how to have fun. I got more rape time at the Air Force Academy than I'm getting here, Sir. And now my tour has been extended another four months and you assholes, sir, want to court martial me for fuckin' just about anything including the intake valves on my F-series. I say we invade Denmark or some shit."

"Listen son. Said Rumsfeld shifting from leg to leg. "I've been doin' a 'tour' of Iraq practically all my fuckin' life because of this damn oil they got. And when I shilled for private corporations here, many a time I par-tayed with Odai and Qusai. And. I'll tell you, they make Allawi look like one bloodless limp dicked motherfucker. Shit you gotta be at least a CEO if you want to avoid the kind accountablity those two shits were accorded because they were the sons of that psychopath and former business partner of mine, Saddam Hussein."

"I understand your blue balls son. I'd like to be able to put a smile on your face," Rumsfeld continued. "When I went to work for Richard Nixon, I made a vow to Our Lady of the Fuckin' Lily Bushes that I would remain celibate after just one cabinet meeting where I sat across from Nixon, Kissinger and John Mitchell. Looking into a mirror, I determined right after that I would never allow myself to bring anything that vile lookin' into the world. But after a couple of weeks I was back fuckin' 20 dollar hookers and copy editors from the Washington Times behind the Executive Office Building."

In one of the exchanges during the town-hall-style meeting, Spec. Thomas Wilson complained that he and his comrades were rooting through the Halliburton Surplus Scrap Metal And Organ Bank Co. and maxing out their credit cards to find improvised armor for their military vehicles to protect against bomb blasts and small-arms attacks.

"I mean when its your ass, you'll do just about anything even let the Citibank Gang and the Manhattan Bank Boys enslave you for life just as long as the great brown god oozes out between the twin cheeks and not into a bag up on your rib cage," whined Wilson.

"A lot of us are getting ready to move north relatively soon and unfortunately I don't mean Canada," said Wilson, an airplane mechanic with the Tennessee Army National Guard, according to a transcript of the meeting released by the Pentagon (news - web sites). "Our vehicles are not armored. We're digging pieces of rusted scrap metal, bottle caps and compromised ballistic glass that's already been shot up . . . picking the best out of this scrap to put on our vehicles to take into combat. We do not have proper . . . vehicles to carry with us north."

Son, You ARE In A World Of Shit.

Rumsfeld barked: "Shit, boy. What do you want, an armored stretch limo and a corsage? The Iraqis don't even got Vietnam era body armor and they're kickin' the colon stuffin' out of you. I'm known as a tough motherfucker, so don't come to me with this crap unless you want me to come down there and put a boot up your ass. As you know, you go to war with the Army left over after my class has stolen pretty much all they can carry. Haven't you ever heard of Smedley Butler? After we have served corporate interests by allowing them to loot the appropriations, they're not the Army you might want or wish to have at a later time. But you're the fodder son. When are you little plebeian fuckers going to figure that out?"

He added: "If you think about it, you can have all the armor in the world on a tank and a tank can be blown up. That's why I made sure I was never the fodder. You be damn well sure I'm not going anywhere even if its just another 20 dollar hooker unless I suitably armored."

The next day, President de facto Dick Cheney said, "Too fuckin' bad we didn't know that reporter Pitts helped concoct that question. We coulda got our machine to discredit a question coming from a reporter just on the face of it. But there's a sentimental facade to maintain with the troops. The idiots in the media kiss Rumsfeld's ass, but there's no reciprocation on our part. We cut them off at the balls at every opportunity and still they come back for more."

Another soldier, from a logistical support unit based at Fort Bragg, N.C., complained that she was being kept in the Army against her wishes by a Pentagon "stop-loss" order.

"It is something you prefer not to have to use. Of course, I don't give a shit how long they keep your sweet little ass. In a perfect world, I'd fuck you for ten dollars," Rumsfeld responded. "But we can't do the draft like we should. There'd be too much clamor that rich white boys go this time and we'd lose anyway. So we got to use every sneaky, underhanded tactic in the book to keep you in corvee."

The Words 'Oil' And 'Strategic' Are Synonymous When Speaking Of Iraq And, Of Course, the Middle East

When a third soldier, from the Idaho Army National Guard, complained that Guard units were being issued "antiquated" muskets and arquebuses inferior to that given to regular Army units, Rumsfeld said that the Army is not trying to be equitable and that somebody has to get the older gear because the newer stuff has been sold to China and Pakistan in exchange for their cooperation in the Great Iraqi Oil Grift, simply another chapter in the Great Game..

The one question that seemed to give Rumsfeld pause came from a lieutenant colonel who said that many of the soldiers in his unit are having trouble receiving all the pay due them, causing problems for their families back home who are being pestered by Halliburton Collection And Repo.

"Can someone here get the details of the unit he's talking about? No. We can't talk about that? Sorry son. You and your kids'll just have to tough it out. Here. Here's 20 bucks. Go get laid," Rumsfeld said.

Playing politics, Rumsfeld's disengaged responses provoked a ripple of criticism from congressional Democrats. Rep. Ted Strickland (D-Ohio) called Rumsfeld's remarks "callous but well-intentioned." Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-N.J.) termed them "contemptuous but titilating." Sen. Christopher J. 'Death Squad' Dodd (D-Conn.) labeled them "stunning! Good box office!"

"When I visit Iraq, I ride around in an armored vehicle and take pot shots at women and children, and I am sure the secretary does as well," Rep. Gene Taylor (D-Miss.) said in a statement. "If it is good enough for the big shots, why should the American soldier complain. That's about in line with the usual pecking order they're accustomed to back here in the states."

Some military experts agreed with the criticism. "Any problem mentioned, he's in denial," said retired Army Gen. Barry 'Shoot 'Em In The Back On the Basra Road' McCaffrey. "I'd recommend pick the two Iraqis that remind the ghost of Vernon Walters of the young Pahlavis. Then kill all the rest and start from scratch."

"Troop frustration is growing," especially as some soldiers head back to Iraq for their second tour of repression as the security situation there deteriorates, said another retired four-star general, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. Officers and senior sergeants are not worried, he noted, because, in his view, "the more Don Rumsfeld fucks up the sooner we'll be driven out of here and the Iraq civil war, the Turkish repression of the Kurds and Iranian control of southern Iraq can begin."

The series of pointed questions shot at Rumsfeld reflect a consequence of the Pentagon's increasing reliance on National Guard and reserve units to carry out the U.S. mission in Iraq. "The fucker's lucky he wasn't fragged," commented General Burl 'Murky' Waters on condition of anonymity. Almost 45 percent of the 130,000 Army troops there now are drawn from the part-time components. Unlike active-duty troops, Guard and reserve troops tend to be older, apparently a good deal smarter and less deferential toward authority than the young 'be what we tell you to be' jar heads and hoppers that make up the enlisted ranks.

Some Guard units preparing to deploy to Iraq have been vocal about their morale problems, and an Army Reserve unit already there made headlines in October when it refused to carry out a convoy mission it considered too dangerous. Earlier this week, eight U.S. soldiers serving in Iraq and Kuwait filed a lawsuit challenging the "stop-loss" policy, which forces them to serve beyond the end of their terms of enlistment.

Highlighting the White House's delusion, Rumsfeld's spokesman, Lawrence Di Rita, said the meeting was hardly unusual. "The range of questions was quite typical," he said at a Pentagon briefing. "I thought it was a very standard event."

After hearing Rumsfeld and listening to Di Rita's remarks, Private Marshall Shaw, a friend of Wilson's said, "I think we're fucked."