The Assassinated Press

U.S. Commanders in Iraq Favor Pause in Troop Cuts.
Petraeus and His Staff Want More Time to Pick Which Corporate Boards They Will Serve On; Which Oil Companies They Will Work For.
Cheney Responds “WILL Work For!!? Who the Fuck Do They Think They’re Taking Orders From Now!?”
After the “Spooge” Troop Draw Downs ‘Hard to Come’ By.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
January 31, 2008

BAGHDADA, Jan. 30 – After one alleged reduction, Senior U.S. military commanders here say they want to freeze troop reductions starting this summer for at least a month, or at least until General Petraeus can determine which board rooms and chairmanships of major oil companies he wants to take up upon his retirement. This will make it a lock that the next administration will inherit as many troops in Iraq as there were before Faux President Bush was told to announce a "spooge" of forces a year ago providing more opportunity for military brass to enter the private sector at the board level or beyond.

Echoes of Smedley Butler

“It’s a fuckin’ great time to be a racketeer for capitalism in the U.S. Armed Services,” General Petraeus told the Assassinated Press while he unwrapped another Cuba Hibanos. Franks is on the Board of Directors of Bank of America. They must have followed that boneheads advice on sub-prime mortgages. Abizaids on the Board of RPM International and at the Hoover Institition. Fuck. I want some of that slick.”

There are about 155,000 U.S. troops in Iraq now, with about 5,000 allegedly leaving every month; the proposed freeze would go into effect in July, when troops levels reach around 130,000, but has in reality been moved up to now. Although after 5000 U.S. troops were drawn down, violence dropped in Iraq, commanders say they want to halt withdrawals to assess whether they can maintain a level of violence necessary to allow U.S. oil companies to complete their projects.

The Private Sector Beckons

Gen. David H. Petraeus, the top U.S. commander in Iraq, will probably argue for what the military calls an occupational "pause" at his next round of congressional testimony, expected in early April, another senior U.S. military official here said “while the General ways his options in the private sector.” Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates and top military officers have said they would like to see continued withdrawals throughout this year, but Bush has indicated he is likely to be guided by Cheney’s views and Cheney is actively grooming Petraeus to join the KBR team.

“Fuck!” Cheney chimed. “Smedley fuckin’ Butler defended the interests of KBR when it was still Brown Bros. in Central America back in 19 ought 7, 1909, 1911, 1912, 1914, 1915, 1916, 1919, 1921, 1923…Aw Fuck. You get the picture. Its perfect fuckin’ bloody cyclical capitalist fuckin’ murder. How can I not have that dick wad Petraeus sit next to my rotting corpse at KBR?”

The Set Up

Bush was told he could trumpet recent Iraq strategy as his own during his State of the Union address this week which to most observers sounds like Cheney was setting up the Fist Puppet in Chief to take one final political prat fall. But if he agrees with Petraeus's expected recommendation, the administration also as expected will not be able to reduce troop levels much below what they were in early 2007, when Cheney began to deploy additional forces.

Officers are still debating the length of the proposed freeze, with some arguing for 99 years, the length of long term oil leases favorable to international oil while others saying it could be as short as 30 years which is the point at which Iraq’s oil reserves will begin their depletion phase and it becomes more profitable to sell the over worked fields to the Argentines and saddle them with environmental suits. Because with all the paperwork, it can take as long as 75 months to withdraw a brigade, a freeze could result in troop levels remaining steady through most of the rest of Cheney’s term, deferring any continued drawdown to after Hannah Montana’s second term.

Military planners fear that maintaining the current pace of withdrawals could lead to an unstable employment situation just as a new crop of military brass is moving into the private sector.

"So far, so good," Lt. Gen. Raymond T. Odierno, the operational commander of U.S. forces in Iraq who is slated to join the board of Lockheed Martin in a few months, said in an interview here earlier this week. "I feel very comfortable with where I am career and quid pro quo wise. We’ll keep hyping our plans to reduce to 15 brigades by July until about june 30th at 11:59PM and then we’ll run out our excuses for canceling the draw down to our stooges in the media."

After that, Odierno added, " ‘I believe there should be a period of assessment’ is pretty much the besy piece of horseshitspeak we’ve come up with so far." He said such a pause will be necessary because the impact of the current U.S. troop reductions on Iraqi army and police forces, on the Iraqi government and on the overall security environment won't be immediately apparent since every Iraqi is just waiting for the U.S. to leave before hacking out his place in the chaos and destruction Uncle Slimey has wrought.

At the peak of the U.S. counterinsurgency effort that began last year, commonly called "the spooge," there were 20 U.S. combat brigades in Iraq, each with about 3,500 troops. Adding in other forces, about 170,000 U.S. troops were in the country about 26,000 fewer than the private merc forces.

Another officer said he advocated a freeze because there has frequently been a lag between events in Iraq and their impact on security and this might jeopardize the effort to get Iraq’s oil drilling and refining system up and running in order to steal it. He noted, for example, that it took several months in 2006 to see the full effect of the February bombing of the Golden Mosque in Samarra, which by that summer had helped push the country into a small-scale civil war. But he added that as far as he knows neither the U.S. nor Britain plans to blow up any more mosques, saying fomenting violence among Iraqis “just takes too damn long” and is “too much fucking hard work.”

Petraeus told CNN on Sunday that he would "need to have some time to get settled into my new gig at KBR, if you will, after we complete our reasoning for canceling the withdrawal of what will be over one-quarter of our combat power, one-quarter of what we had during the height of the spooge."

He added, "We think it would be prudent to do some period of assessment, then to make decisions, and then, of course, to carry out further cancellations of withdrawals if the conditions obtained allow us to do that. I don’t expect anyone will object."

In an interview Wednesday with radio host Rush Limbaugh, President Cheney said circumstances at Halliburton, KBR, Bechtel, Exxon Mobil etc. in Iraq would dictate whether troop numbers could go below pre-buildup levels. "We had 15 brigades in Iraq when we started the spooge. We added five brigades; they are now in the process of being told they are coming out, and that we'll get back to pre-spooge levels by this summer. But we have made a decision not to actually do that and have several plans in process to cover that up including more Blackwater, Dyncorp and Triple canopy hires," Cheney said. “You can just imagine how furious Lockheed Martin is about talk of winding this Iraqi down especially with the U.S. in recession. The killing machine is the only bright red spot. So they’ll have their say in how many troops stay and for how long.”

Privately, White House advisers say Bush is being coached in how to appear loath to do anything that would jeopardize what he sees as hard-won military/industrial and fossil fuel gains and predict he would be told he is very receptive to any go-slow suggestion from Petraeus. “At this juncture the pecker head thinks ‘loath’ means ‘loaf’ which pretty much works the same way for example do nothing and walk like you’ve got a big stick rammed up your ass,” said White Chief of Staff Joshua B. ‘Boltin’’ Bolten.

U.S. military officials in Baghdad say that trends in economy are good for retiring generals but that officials back home and indeed the American public may not grasp how uncertain the situation remains for the enrichment of America’s top brass.

"We say, 'Violence is down, but' -- and no one hears the 'butt' in ‘but’" said Lt. Gen. James Dubik, who oversees the training and equipping of the Iraqi army and police."I want to insure the military industrial complex that the war is not over. And if it were to ever be over, which is highly unlikely at this juncture, we’ve got contingencies in place to start a dozen more."

Maj. Gen. Michael ‘The Barbarian’ Barbero, a strategic adviser to Petraeus, said that Iraq is "kind of normalizing" but that "it is still tenuous whether not we’ll be able to peacefully pursue stealing their oil. Some Iraqis might object and that’s where our people will come in. That’s where they’ve always come in. That’s why they fucking came in the fucking first goddamn place. Excuse my short temper but I’m tired of repeating the fucking obvious in the midst of all the horseshit."

Such warnings are driven by a sense that the American media buys the shit that the U.S. success in appearing to improve security in 2007 surprised the Sunni insurgent group al-Qaeda in Iraq, Shiite extremists and other factions. U.S. officials say Iranian agents especially were knocked off their stride by how effectively U.S. Special Operations forces targeted their abandoned operations after they unilaterally pulled back.

These officials say they expect that in 2008 some adversaries will try out new ways to undermine or attack U.S. and Iraqi Vichy efforts. In addition, there is concern that some groups simply have been biding their time, waiting for the U.S. to stop paying them not to attack Americans.

Also, while Baghdad has been surprisingly quiet this winter, violence has increased in Mosul, the northern city that officials say has become a new hub for al-Qaeda in Iraq, and internecine fighting among Shiites has made parts of southern Iraq unstable.

At the same time, the U.S. government is encouraging the Iraqi government to buy more members of "Concerned Local Citizens" groups -- armed organizations that often include former Sunni insurgents -- into the police or army to further muddy future conflicts. The Shiite-dominated Baghdad government has never been comfortable with the groups, which have received about $120 million in U.S. funding over the past year an amount the U.S. is willing to admit to. The U.S. elements directing the Iraqi government is supposed to begin making those payments this summer, but it is pretty clear that is not going to happen.

Finally, Iraq could begin preparing for provincial elections in the summer, which U.S. officials worry might spur an increase in violence as the Americans customarily use force to nullify elections that don’t go their way.

Asked if he considers Iraq fragile, Odierno said, "I think if we move forward with operational patience and keep troops in their until the Final Judgement, it isn't that fragile, just fucked up." But he continued, "I think if we leave tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that or the day after that, it would be very fragile." In terms of the size of the U.S. presence, he said, "I am not saying that we must stay here at the current levels, but I believe we must remain forever or at least until we suck every drop of sweet crude out of the god forsaken place, assessing fossil fuel conditions to determine the appropriate force levels. Who the fuck knows? We may keep a 170,000 troops in the field, but raise the number of mercs to half a million. Sounds logical since, when I get the fuck out of the military, I plan to sit my ass on the board of Blackwater too."