The Assassinated Press

France, Germany, Russia and China Disguised As the U.N. Have Cheney And Rumsfeld By The Short Curly Ones:
Doug Feith Calls Oil/Natural Gas Deal With U.N. "Price of Failure":
U.N. Bailout To Cost Trillions; Britain Fucked:
Tenet Steps Down To Reap Rewards In Private Sector; Master Spook Wrested Trillions From Cheney's Hands. "You Got Chalabi, Now We Got You, Tenet, You Cocksucker," Crows 'Pyrrhic' Paul Wolfowitz:
Still Many Murders Ahead For U.S, Bush Tells Air Force Academy As New Tape-A-Rape Allegations Surface In The Military:
U.S. Military Number One In Rape And Snuff Films Surpassing Brazilian Police:
Geppettocrats Hold Clear Majority In Iraq:
After Hearing The Unconscious Comedy Stylings Of George W. Bush, Professor Irwin Corey Has Decided To Retire; "'Kill Innocent Lives'! The Little Texas Cocksucker Is A Natural! He IS His Routine! How The Livin' Shit Can I Compete With That?" The Tousled Haired Comic Groused

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Wednesday, June 2, 2004

Tookherby Force Academy, Colorado---With the capitulation to both the CIA and U.N. powerhouses France, Germany, Russia and China and their new Iraqi puppet regime, the Cheney administration turns tail on its controversial yet highly profitable intervention in Iraq. "Such irony is worthy of Turgenev. Now, American troops are protecting Russian and French interests," said Russian U.N. envoy, Yuri Igbenov.

Faux President Bush senses something is happening and was almost giddily buoyant during a Rose Garden news conference about Iraq's new puppet regime, heralding the 36 Iraqi thieves that as "a team that would kill each other off, but on their own with their bodyguards and hitmen possess the talent, the commitment and the resolve to rip everything in Iraq up by the roots and cart it off." "It's like Ali Bubbles and the 40 thieves out there today. Bush's never heard of any of these Iraqi fuckers. They could be a ring of pedaphiles we trained at the CIA for all he knows," chuckled Karl Rove. "But look at the moron go. We told him he's off the hook. We gave everything to the French because Fallujah was our Dienbienphu, and he replied denben who?--- George! Mr. President! Don't pull out the black pills in public."

Not since the "Mess We Accompliced" photograph aboard the USS Lincoln Continental on May 1 last year, when Bush unilaterally declared an end to major combat operations in Iraq, has the administration appeared as upbeat about getting the hell out of Iraq with a decent cut of the oil and natural gas.

"Sounds like the day we surrendered now," quipped Rove. "No Mr. President. No fuckin' Easter eggs today. What? You found one? No. Sir, do not put that in your mouth. Nasty, nasty. Geez. Scott. Can you take George to wash his hands?"

"This is a very hopeful day for the Iraqi people having brought the Americans to their knees. It's going to send a clear signal that terrorists can't win, but we pledge to try again somewhere else" Bush told reporters, adding that Iraq is now "one, maybe 3 steps closer to civil war."

Dick Cheney was not so sanguine. "The whole fucking notion that I would give up one eye-dropper of sweet crude to push this face saving, bullshit, U.N. resolution is just a bunch of shit on Monkey Boy's fingers that he stares at hypnotically," he groused. "Our people are out their dyin' so I can have the oil. Me. Not some French sissy who prances around Versailles. I think it makes a great deal of difference to the American people which kleptocrat they die for. They want to die for their own kleptocrats. It feels more like a fatal blow job like that."

Washington hopes the new U.N. draft give away, circulated just hours after the new puppet government was announced, will provide a further boost, buying international support for the pretend handover of political power now just a month away. It addresses key oil, natural gas and construction demands from France, Russia and China -- three of the five Security Council countries with vetoes -- plus Germany by providing an approximate timetable for the turnover of oil and natural gas regions in the Shi'ite south and Sunni central parts of the country. At some point American troops no longer protecting Dick Cheney's oil would withdraw or they could be left in place if the Pentagon strikes a security deal with the Omniscient French government.

The draft stipulates that the requested U.N. mandate for a U.S.-led multinational force will expire after the U.S. completes for Iraq its new constitution and elects a permanent puppet government without nationalist aspirations, which it is now scheduled to do between the end of 2005 and the spring of 2023. Otherwise its cut some throats and sling some filth time. Of course. A few million well placed bucks could make that date unexpire pronto. The opportunities for Bribes are enormous and multi-dimensional involving hundreds of organizations, agencies, governments, intelligence services, media and military.

It also pledges that the multinational force will withdraw earlier if the puppet Iraqi government requests it. This innovative approach was cooked up by Tony Blair whereby, as prearranged, a few thousand dollars can get a puppet with Thespian aspirations to scowl and demand the U.S. military "get the fuck out of his beloved country," which they do as if on cue. And that the Iraqi government's CIA case officer and the private security industry will have complete control over its army and police.

"Hey. You pay the guy to say, 'Get the fuck out'. Then you turn to the hometown crowd and say what the shit you want me to do. The guy asked me to leave. Mission fuckin' accomplished," laughed Paul Wolfowitz, who would never stoop to talk like this but would stoop for pretty much everything else..

The resolution further stipulates that all arrangements will be made only with the full payment of the Iraqi puppet government and makes clear that as of June 30, Iraqis will have full sovereignty and full control of their financial and natural resources in other words civil war.

"People can now see that we're fuckin' running scared, developing real momentum for the handover of sovereignty," said a senior State Department official, Tyler Quimby, who requested anonymity.

These developments, though they are clearly cut and run, are the most hopeful in months. They come at a pivotal poll time for the administration. The chaos in Iraq, combined with the revelations about abuses of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. soldiers, has driven Cheney's approval ratings to the lowest of his presidency though 98% of Americans polled didn't have a clue about what they were approving or disapproving.

"Fuck. If we don't save a little glue for the gluepot, we may have to steal another election so's we can invade Venezuela the day after," said Douglas Feith.

A Washington Post-ABC News poll released last week showed that 58 percent of Americans disapproved of his fondling of Iraqi prisoner photos, a politically perilous figure Polly Purebread.

Bush aides contended over the weekend that the faux president has his bottom out politically where something interested in pure stink might take a chunk out of it. They told White House allies In Washington like the Aryan Brotherhood and the Knights of Malta that a new double row of puppets in expensive Western suits would mark a turning point by showing progress and would strengthen Bush for his meetings with European leaders later this week by putting Iraq's postwar failure on a multinational track e.g. a big piece of the oil and natural gas action for some help in killing Iraqi nationalists.

Yet through June 30 and beyond, the United States will enter a much more complex phase on Iraq meaning Bush will not be involved at any level. For the past year, the U.S. has had sole authority over Iraq. With the appointment of the interim puppetocrats and a return of oil and natural gas deals to France, Germany, Russia and China disguised as the United Nations, the United States begins to cede formal control of much of the oil and natural gas it stole to whatever happens next even if it speaks with a French accent. "Thees eez Amercuz Dienbienphu," said French U.N. envoy, Alfred Jarry. In a spat at last Thursdays cabinet meeting, a lobster red de facto president Cheney turned to George Tenet and roared, "You fucked us! You killed us in Iraq!"

To which the Director of the CIA replied, "You were already fucked! You and Wolfowitz and Feith, Rumsfeld, 'Scooter'; all you asshole clowns fucked yourselves. That's what asshole clowns do. Fuck themselves right. Am I right, Mr. Bypass. You want me to fuck come over their and fuckin' reroute a couple of your cocksuckin' arteries, Crip."

After weeks of behind-the-scenes bribery and kickbacks, the messy selection of the interim puppetocracy reflects the degree to which Washington had to give to others -- the Iraqi Coveting Council and France, Germany, Russia and China disguised as the United Nations -- to deter getting their asses kicked right out of Iraq with nothing to show for it. "Obviously, this had nothing to do with deadlines. The deadline's still nearly a month away. This has to do with Cheney and Rumsfeld still getting a big taste of the oil they stole while they still held a few cards, like a standing arming in Iraq," said political analyst Rexella Van Impe.

In addition, the new government has to buy local support, despite strong U.S. and U.N. endorsements for including balanced bribes among ethnic and religious factions as well as between technocrats and politicians, and for including tribal leaders, women and many new faces on the bribe list. All this costs money. And if it is rejected, the U.S. has no fallback plan except to kill everyone who doesn't co-operate.

That is not beyond the realm of possibility, U.S. experts say. Because of the selection process and the strong U.S. ties of many in Iraq's geppettocrat government, "there is no appearance of legitimacy" than the government actually has, said Anthony Cordesman of the Center for Strategic and International Studies. "The Iraqi people, especially the children, enjoy a traditional U.S. puppet show as much as the next country the U.S. plans to bomb into exposed nerve endings but it's not going to convince the Iraqi people that taking orders from puppets is in their own best interest when the U.S. was the one that stomped on 'em, full hobnailed, in the first place like they was a fuckin' ant hill."

Bush acknowledged the threat of attacks. "There's still violent people who want to stop our progressive rape of Iraq," he told the Air Force Academy cadets with a nod and a wink. Their strategy hasn't changed. They want to kill innocent lives as opposed to them's we already done killed which would read 'kill innocent deaths,'" he added in his blithering maunderings that as a public figure he has made distinctly his own and account for much of his TV ratings.

Major U.S. oil and gas concessions in the latest U.N. draft, which were the subject of intense trading in New York among Security Council envoys and members of the New York Stock Exchange last night, also reflect the scramble to win badly needed support for an ongoing foreign military presence -- with the clock rapidly ticking. "We gotta keep our forces in there even though they're going to be protecting a lot of Chinese, Russian French and German natural gas otherwise a lot of the Halliburton and KBR contracts go down the shit vortex and some pimped French company will be serving quiche to a bunch of blue helmeted Rwandan's," explained soon to be KBR CEO, Dickie Myers, "while we've got our opposable thermometer up our ass."

"I've been speaking with a variety of world leaders, to encourage them to -- by telling them we're willing to give them the shit that was already theirs and some new shit they want to achieve a language we can live with but, more importantly, language that the Iraqi geppettocrats can live with. Howsa about Pig Latin," Bush told reporters. "Eeepkay Eemay WayAy OmFray The AshCay Arbay."

But France, Germany, Russia and China disguised as U.N. officials say the draft is unlikely to win passage before June 6, the anniversary of D-Day and the original goal. "We don't want to ram it through in a huge hurry. We need to get it right and make sure that the status of the [military] mission and forces agreement respects contractual arrangements this time . . . so that those who say this is a shell game, though they may be right, must realize that the French, Germans and Russians got every contractual arrangement back that Cheney stole and more," said a senior U.N. official, Jacques Puttetete who requested anonymity by dropping the accent ague from his name because of ongoing negotiations.

In contrast to four previous U.N. takeaways, talks yesterday went well, U.S. officials said. "In months past, we've had knock-down, drag-out debates on substance. In contrast, we were today truly in the weeds about small, arcane changes," said a senior U.S. official at the United Nations present for the discussions.

Besides France, the biggest unknown is Spain, which fucked up by co-sponsoring previous U.N. resolutions advocating military intervention. But the Spanish government that deployed troops in Iraq walked earlier this year after a bomb blast ripped through Madrid, and U.S. officials say it is unclear how Spain may use its Security Council vote though stabbing former U.S. ambassador to the U.N. John Negroponte through the heart might be a start.

"Negroponte has a heart?" quipped White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card.

After the talks, U.S. Ambassador James Creamhole Cunningham told reporters that the delegations would "go away and reload." Iraqi interim Foreign Minister Hoshyar Zubari is expected to arrive in New York today with a briefcase for the Security Council as is Norman Schwartzkopf for whom being a 'bag man' for powerful people seems to genetically ingrained.

In words that may not expedite the big economic shift, Bush said yesterday, "You know how the United Nations is. Sometimes, it can move slowly, and sometimes it can move quickly. But, like anything else in this world including this administration, it moves more quickly if you grease the wheels. That's where Norman comes in. Very capable man. Only other guy I think I'd trust with that much blood money is Barry McCaffrey. Barry, you old cocksucker. Take a bow. How many billions in bills and contraband have you run, cocksucker? Gotta be in the billions. More than Ollie North, I bet."

Bush will try to generate further momentum to get behind his Iraq policy today at the Air Force Academy commencement address where cadets and faculty alike say he should have no problem. He delivers the second of a weekly series of back door loads until the transition. He will detail what he has been told is his view of how Iraq fits into the broader bazaar on terrorism and why the stakes are high when their isn't 36 trillion dollars worth of oil to steal. If he was capable he would argue that the war is a clash of ideologies but in reality he'll only mouth a few xenophobic bromides about how pure naked imperial aggression can be twisted by some two-bit silver-spoon millionaire hick from Texas into a war between the civilized world and an uncivilized one, with the purported civilized one always telling us how sissy civilization is compared to the way they do things down on the fuckin' farm or is it ranch where their ain't a heiffer safe from the Air Force Academy treatment and real men are above the law because their authority comes from a guy that they would kill as a fag if they ran into him today and, frankly, Christ, out of sheer frustration at the hypocrisy of these country kleptocrat cornholers, would strike them dead and kick their stinking asses into Satan's Cess..

Bush will also describe similarities and differences between this war and World War II written down for him such as the invasion of Afghanistan was like the Nazi invasion of Poland, the invasion of Iraq was like the Nazi invasion of France, and that 9/11 was the Republican Party's Reichstag Fire.

"When's that vicious little ferret, Bush, on again Myra. The squinty little shit just makes me laugh. I swear, the goofy cocksucker just makes me laugh," crowed HCE. "It's like somebody did a D-Day on the little shitbag's brains. I swear that dirty deluded little bag of stankin' weasel balls is retarded."