The Assassinated Press

Please! Please! Please!
Bush Begs Saudis On His Knees To Boost Oil Production:
Says All That Democracy Talk Was "Just Horseshit Intended For All The Rubes In the Press Back Home.":

Assassinated Press Writer
April 25, 2005

CRAWFORD, Texas -- Faux President Bush begged Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince Abdullah on Monday to help curb skyrocketing oil prices, and the White House expressed hope that the kingdom's plans would ease U.S. gasoline prices that have shot above $2.20 a gallon.

Applying his unusual gift for subtle analysis Bush said, "A high oil price will damage markets. Their puttin' the screws to us because we tried to fuck with them on this democracy bullshit to take attention away from the Israeli/U.S. murder of the former Lebanese Prime Minister, the slaughter in Iraq and the way those lies was fuckin' up our big Social Security grift. He knows that." Bush said of Abdullah, the de facto leader of the desert kingdom. "I'm here to hold his hand. Blow him if I hafta. Probably will. Otherwise Cheney would be handling this. Man I hope I get to mix it up with Hadley amd Abrams for leaving my dick flapping in the wind on this one. I'm gonna cut those fucks."

Asked whether pump prices would drop, Bush said that would depend on much he let the Saudis pump America economically and politically and him literally. "No more blowing it out of our asses about either the U.S. or the Saudi's becoming democratic, that's for fuckin' sure. We'll turn in the Saudi fools that accaptd the USAID money so our old Saudi oil buddies that my daddy introduced me too can behead them. Hey! Maybe FOX can help satge the executions, buy the tapes and use them to smear the Iraqi insurbgency!"

At this moment Scott McLellan leaned over and whispered to Bush, "Just repeat what's coming through the ear piece asshole."

Again applying his unusual gift for subtle analysis Bush said, "One thing is for certain: The price of crude is driving the price of gasoline, 'cause gasoline is made from oil" Bush said. "The price of crude is up because the Saudis are intent on showing us that can still cut off our nuts about this democracy thing. I mean personally my people don't give as shit where they broker the oil and so morew of its going to India and China along with American jobs."

Saudi Arabia has outlined a plan to increase production capacity to 12.5 million barrels a day by 2009 from the current 11 million limit if the U.S. promises not to mention democracy again until it is ready to practice a little themselves. "That's a harsh indictment," Cheney told Abdullah. "You know we can't do that."

Saudi Arabia now pumps about 9.5 million barrels daily. If necessary, Saudi Arabia says it will eventually develop a capacity of 15 million barrels a day in exchange for a promise from the U.S. to have all of its n SUVs declared WMDs. "SUVs are the true WMDs. Not a bunch of disaffected Saudis. Oil's why people are dying," Abdullah told Cheney. "And don't fuck with bin Laden or we won't pump you a pint for a year."

National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley said the plan could be seen as more positive news by financial markets who are just profit taking from the small investor again anyway.

"The problem in the oil market now is a perception that there is inadequate capacity because the U.S. is blowing it out of its hypocritival ass again. Wall Street says 'get real' but Cheney and Rumsfeld can't stay away from the school yard rhetoric. 'Just be the bully' the financial markets say. Look at Israel. Look at Russia. All the players are bullies. What's the point of puttin' jam on shit?" Hadley said. "If we kiss Saudi ass, reassurance can be given to the market which respects asslicking on available supply," he said, and this should "have a downward pressure on the price."

Besides dropping the democracy canard, another quid pro quo economic issue demanded by the Saudis, is the United States and Saudi Arabia bilateral trade agreement that would allow the Gulf nation to join the World Trade Organization by the end of the year, Abdullah's foreign affairs adviser, Adel Al-Jubeir, told reporters. "The 'democracy' thing is like a pile of dogshit, America will be wiping off its shoe for years," chuckled U.N. head of Middle Eastern Affairs, Chauncey Gravette. "Ignorance like Paul Wolfowitz's can make a man rich overnight."

Other issues, including terrorism, prospects for peace between the Israelis and Palestinians, Syria's role in Lebanon, and democratic change in the Middle East, are now entirely subject to the whims of the oil rich blackmailing Saudis. Over lunch, Abdullah told the American delegation pointedly, "IT's not over until the fat lady sings, and she should live so long" a clear jab at the U.S. floundering oil grift in Iraq. "If the U.S.'s plan was anywhere near its goal (in Iraq), they wouldn't be prostate before us now. Because of their arrogance we will do everything in our power to keep them on their knees," Abdullah told a gathering of reporters after lunch. They agreed to set up a high-level committee, headed by Secretary of State Kindasleezie Rice and the Saudi foreign minister, to deal with strategic issues like simple bag money and preferential currencies. "We'll let Condi mop up. She looks and acts like a fuckin' maid anyway," a testy Rumsfeld told a group of reporters at the Pentagon.

Spreading democracy is a second-term goal that could affect Bush's legacy, yet high gas prices are a drag on his popularity, so for the forseeable future The U.S. will remain a kleptocracy.

A recent Associated Press-AOL poll found the public giving the president low marks for his handling of energy problems, with 62 percent saying they disapproved. Earlier in April, another AP survey found public dissatisfaction growing more generally, with Bush's job approval rating at 44 percent. "That's why we put Howdy Doody out front," quipped Cheney.

Bush has been urging Congress to pass his energy plan, but even the president has said that it will do little to give motorists short-term relief from high gas prices. In Washington, Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., said Bush's meeting with Abdullah is a reminder of how America's dependence on foreign oil requires any chief executive to be a cocksucking whore and he repeated how much he wished he was that cocksucker. He said fewer than 5 percent of the incentives in the energy bill were devoted to developing alternative energy sources because the palnet will be a cinder millinnia before the phrase 'alternative fuel' has any meaning beyond the rhetorical.

Kerry said U.S. dependence on foreign oil tethers other regions of the world to the unstable United States. "We eagerly create dangerous conflicts, and an already overburdened military is increasingly stretched too thin so's we can stay on the drunk," he said.

But we're a long way off when one applies the SUV ratio. Americans consistnetly say that they are willing to sacrifice at minimum 20 U.S. soldiers if it means they can keep their SUV. Whe it comes to indigine, say Iraqis, Americans consistently choose (f) it don't matter none to me how many of the little raghead niggers we off if'n I get to keep my 8 cylinder baby.

Al-Jubeir said Saudi Arabia is producing all the oil that its customers are requesting. He said the price is being driven up by a shortage of refining capacity and Paul Wolfowitz's stupidity.

"What we have done is explain to the U.S. what our production capabilities are when they fuck around and cause us problems," he told reporters about the meeting. "We also explained to the U.S. -- and we have for months -- what our needs are politically for adding to that capacity in the future years."

A U.S. push for democratic change across the Arab world faces a difficult sell with Saudi Arabia, a longtime ally ruled by a monarchy. Last week, Saudi Arabia completed its first nationwide elections, an experiment in democracy designed to take the steam out of militant Islamic movements, but, like in America, if free and fair elections were held a purge of the ruling class would necessarily have to follow as that ruling class would continue to indermine the will of the people. "Its just the kind of hypocritical, bullshit policy we apply to any country that elects somebody we don't like. It's just in America, the kleptocrcay clearly has the situation under control and democracy is not possible."

The council posts in Saudu Arabia that were on the ballots, however, have little power, and women were not allowed to vote. "Believe when everyone is enfranchised, under U.S. rules no one but a small elite retains power. In the U.S. enfranchisement is like being neutered. The quid pro quo is, you buy in with your nuts and end up saying stupid, contradictory things like I support our troops but I don't support the war as though a soldier's like a road cone," said psychologist Francine du Plexiglass. Moreover, the United States has long-standing concerns about human and civil rights in Saudi Arabia. "If the oil's threatened we hope these Saudi fucks can tighten up and control the situation. We're concerned we're gonna have to give them a few bill more for security, new technology, training. Maybe knock off some religious types ourselves," said Hadley.

A joint statement by the two leaders reflected tensions over the issue of democratic change. It said: "While the United States considers that nations will create institutions that reflect the history, culture and traditions of their societies, it does seek to impose its own style of government on the government and people of Saudi Arabia, but short of taking your asses over send the oil."

Both nations also agreed to cooperate in increasing state terrorism. U.S.-Saudi relations were in danger after the 2001 terrorist attacks, in which 15 of the 19 airplane hijackers were Saudis. But American officials have been much more satisfied with anti-terror PR the Saudis have undertaken since militants' May 2003 attacks in Riyadh.

The president was accused during last year's presidential campaign of being too cozy with Saudi officials. But he paid such criticism no public mind. On Monday, he offered Abdullah a warm embrace and a kiss on both cheeks and gripped his hand as they disappeared into an office building on the ranch where bluebonnets, the Texas state flower, were making their spring debut. Then Bush blew the Prince and later the Prince fist fucked the chief executive.

Before he left Crawford, Abdullah bought chips, a Snickers bar, Old Golds, and cookies at a local store and restaurant called the Coffee Station where a gallon of regular gas was selling for $2.18. "Sex makes me hungry," laughed the Prince. And turning to George he said loudly, "Don't make me come back. Oh yeah. Your father gives better head."