The Assassinated Press

Hey shithead, put down the meth pipe. Obama and Biden are coming for your guns.
Only one honorable thing for gun owner’s to do. Commit ritual suicide.
Why waste reality on the Saved? Just consider it a less speculative form of the Rapture.
From Union roots to Confederate shits: With Obama’s election the NRA pulled off its mask to air out its KKK hood.

The Assassinated Press

Little Johnny Cornhole awoke Christmas morning to find his daddy’s brains spewed all over the ceiling of the family's Ford Explorer.

“Alleluia,” Johnny cried. “He has been taken up in the Rapture. No more anal penetration in the church basement during Sunday bible class. I’ll miss that.”

“Yea sinners. The nigger and the Catholic are coming to take your guns,” preacher Whine LaPrick told his congregation. “Time to stand up for what you said you believed in when in fact you were just a bunch of armed arm chair bigots blowing it out your bulbous, bovine b-holes. Friends it’s time to bring on the Rapture and blow your brains out. They froze up from disuse in utero anyfuckin’way. There ain't gonna be no last days in the Middle East. Not while the Koch brothers are still making a buck.”

“It’s time to stop lubricating with Hannity, Limbaugh and O’Reilly and start lubricating with the lord. Only belief in the lord can lead you to delusions profound enough that when those delusions are stripped away will lead you to blow your own brains all over your big screen. No media bloviatrix holds that power over you if you are truly deluded. Remember, our most honored and bloodthirsty citizens, Navy Seals, are blowing their brains out in record numbers. Show your worthy of Christ’s blessings. Become a wall smudge for Jesus. Become a wetware Jackson Pollock for the lord.”

The papist, Joe Biden, clearly on orders from that vengeful darkie in the White House is already jacked up to take away your guns using law enforcement and their heavily armed, post 9/11 death squads.

“The pickaninny and the papist also want universal background checks for firearms buyers which will mean all of us good Christian, family value dads will only have one opportunity to keep our wives and children in line by sticking the barrel of a Glock 9 down their throats and threatening to blow their heads off before the unlicensed weapon will be seized by the police unless I buy the sheriff a case of Wild Turkey and promise the local prosecutor free oil changes and wheel alignments for life. How fucking undemocratic can you get? Democracy is dead. This is tyranny,“ said Early Cuyler of Dougal County, GA before casting his clam cortex brains to the wind with a double shotgun blast.

“And this national data base, it’s Orwellian I say,” Rick Perry, the syphilitic Governor of Texas said just before he unloaded a round from a 38 snub nose into his right sinus cavity. Never the left; always the right, so his soul can go to heaven unencumbered by reflection, human emotion or the ability to read.

“And strengthen mental health checks! Where does that leave me,” Supreme Court Justus Antonin Scalia told the Assassinated Press. “And if they do a background check they might find I got my law degree from the Professor Irwin Corey School of Law,” as he pulled a Desert Eagle from his underpants and with one shot opened his chest like a boiled lobster.

In every poll taken Americans are in favor of gun owners availing themselves of the ‘Blood Rapture’ as it’s being called.

Why waste reality on the Saved?

“What a beautiful way to go. Dying for something you believe in and in the process leaving the rest of us the fuck alone. I think the Blood Rapture is a great thing. Every time one of these gun toting dicks sprays his face on god’s vestments, its one less prattling, ignorant, asshole I have to listen to down on the only reality either of us will ever know.”