The Assassinated Press

Teabaggers By a Mudslide!

The Assassinated Press

I can picture it now. An iced over portrait of Glenn Beck hangs from a tent pole. A Tea Bagger with his family camps out on the median strip on Route I-90 longing for the relative comfort of the Federal Park where they had just survived a bitter winter.

But, after rejecting a lease arrangement as “not being in America’s best interest,” President Palin had sold the federal parkland to Koch Industries at 8 cents an acre for oil and natural gas exploration and timber extraction promising that the sale would create jobs. New jobs had opened up for security guards to keep squatters like Tea Bagger off Koch’s land, but Dyncorp got the outsource contract and imported 425 Ugandans to fill the positions while Koch turned around and sold the mineral rights to the Chinese.

It’s the middle of the night. His 8 year old daughter’s sick, possibly dying, don’t know. No doctor. No healthcare. He thinks, “I let my bigotry get the better of me.” He’s surrounded by stars.

Meanwhile, Senate majority leader Rand Paul has forced through legislation that requires all American troops on foreign soil to retreat to within the US’s domestic borders within 11 months, a long time goal of his father Ron. As a result America’s imperialist past comes home to roost with a vengeance as hundreds of thousands of returning vets educated and equipped to do nothing but operate within some narrow military arms protocol form marauding bands setting up private fiefdoms in the western states. Due to this influx, there are now 400 job applicants for every available job. The marauding soldiers terminated the Tea Bagger’s son with extreme prejudice over a deer kill last winter.

President Palin has nominated Wall Street trader Rick Santelli to Treasury Secretary. He relishes his nearly nightly appearance on Bill O’Reilly where he berates starving Americans as being whining shiftless miscreants. The Secretary has abolished the minimum wage and the average salary in the US has plummeted 85% to levels comparable to India, China and Honduras. Meanwhile, under Santelli’s direction, tractor trailers can be seen backing up to the US mint in broad daylight as skids of fresh US currency are loaded onto them then placed on private cargo jets for bank accounts unknown around the globe. The results of an annual audit of Fort Knox reveals 40 billion dollars in gold bars has gone missing. Nonetheless, Halliburton’s Fort Knox security contract is renewed.

President Palin has abolished the Department of Education. Kids are now home schooled by roving bands of Jesus impersonators. Outside of the elite schools, US ‘students’ are now dead last behind Melanesian cargo cults in every intellectual category except Old Testament dietary law. Students are taught to accept their material destitution as god’s payback for the materialist sins of their parents and to live a holy and chaste existence with a life expectancy of 37, all rewards being in heaven.

Levels of consumption, along with population, plummet to Pre-Cambrian levels. To her second inauguration, President Palin rides an ostrich mocked up to look like a Velociraptor . No bullet proof bubble is required as America’s enemies say “Why bother?” Palin wears a Betty Rubble original to the inaugural ball.

I’m of two minds about the Tea Bagger movement and their fellow travelers. On the one hand I’m appalled that a relatively small coterie of wealthy individuals and their bag men can use the bigotry of much of white America to place dunces and shills in a position to hold powerful offices in Federal and state government. Some of these Tea Bagger candidates go far beyond the usual media made, quid pro quo nincompoops that Americans characteristically elect.

But then there’s a part of me that hopes the Tea Bag candidates win. I know a midterm election won’t convey the kind of domestic Armageddon Tea Baggers are capable of egged on by their kleptocratic handlers. But it’d be a start.

And though it would mean astonishing hardship for working Americans, pain and anguish like they’ve never experienced before as the country suddenly accelerated its ‘downward harmonization’ into third world oblivion, it would be welcome news and well-deserved relief for the rest of the world. And don’t we Americans deserve a good spanking from the likes a Momma Grizzly for our imperialist sins.

Under Tea Bagger rule the domestic carnage would be swift and brutal! And the rest of the world would laugh and cheer and dance in the streets--- as would I.