The Assassinated Press

The U.S. Killed Christ:
The Gospel According To Matthew, Mark, Luke And Mel:
In Film Christ Warns Kleptocracy And Wealthy To Lay Off Poor Or Else:
U.S. Corporate Kleptocracy As Romans, Corrupt Local Elites As Pharisees And Castro, Aristide, Nkrumah, Mugabe, Chavez, Lumumba, Allende, Arbenz, Arevalo, Sukarno, Sandino, Aguinaldo et al As Christ:
The Bible Says 'The Rapture' Is God's Trick For Getting the Self-Righteous Out of Everybody's Face:
Live On Al-Jazeera TV, Christ Vows To Allah To Personally Take Up the Cause Of The World's Poor Against The U.S. Kleptocracy And Its Portly Proponents:
CIA Tries To Murder Mugabe Before Lent:
Roman Fresco Shows Pilate Sodomizing Christ In Arrogant Show Of Martial Power:
Our Lord And Savior Strikes Ted Kopple Dead In Front Of His New York Brownstone:
Gibson Bitter At His Father For Naming Him Melvin

Scholastic Adviser To The Assassinated Press
Februarius, XXII, MIV

Calvary, Nevada ---The right is targeting Mel Gibson. They are using his new movie as their vehicle to smear this good and decent defender of Christ and by extension the world's poor, the very people that the right entrenched U.S. kleptocracy has declared it will, to borrow poet John Milton's words, "wage by force or guile eternal warre," upon.

In the film, Imperial Rome is clearly a symbol for the American Empire, the Pharisees are the corrupt local elite like the Miami Cubans were or the Venezuelan or Haitian mocas are now. The general Jewish population who are under the thumbs of both Rome and their local elites represent the poor of Haiti or Venezuela or Zimbabwe. And Christ is a hero of the poor like Castro, Chavez, Nkrumah or Lumumba whom the kleptocracy and its stooges are trying to kill. Christ's agony, suffering and death is intended to mirror the poor's agony, suffering and deaths under Roman/U.S. hegemony.

Parodies Lost

The Washington Times magazine fired the first shot a shoddy, thoroughly dishonest and largely disjointed story that concentrated on Gibson's father's rather bizarre selection of first names for his children while downplaying the old man's more murderous impulses. This is just a way for the majority suppressed gay element in the Neo-Con right to attack Mr. Gibson in his vulnerable and lusciously taut derriere.

The author, some guy named Beau Toxin, appears to have taken up the cudgels on behalf of his own father's choice of names, who is unhappy that the tranquillity of his Damascus, Syria neighborhood has been disturbed by a Roman Catholic chapel Gibson has built on an 11-acre tract near Toxin's father's home that blares Christian rock twenty-four hours a day and sports a 30 foot fountain of Moses urinating into the mouth Charleton Heston.

In other words, the attack seems to have been sparked by a case of NIMBD (Not In My Back Door).

Gibson has his actors speak a kind of pidgin Aramaic and not-quite-pig Latin, but then destroys the verisimilitude FX by having all the actors look like they stepped out of an Episcopalian garden party. You're left with the impression that Christianity is reserved for good looking white people, and that that is no accident. It might just be box office. It might be ignorance. But no authenticity can be found therein, and one suspects Mel doesn't want Christ's suffering attached to the very real suffering the U.S. and other first world powers have visited upon the region.

In his Washington Post column, Lloyd Grove got to the point: Gibson is making a movie about the last 12 hours of Christ. For reasons I fail to understand, this upsets the right, a largely wealth driven bunch who are fixating on spreading the rumor that the movie blames a wealthy colonial power in league with corrupt local elites for murdering Christ. Ergo, Mel Gibson is a commie pinko, rat bastard, faggot sell out. Is this fair?!

Gibson of course denies some of this, as well he should. The man is a very devout traditional Catholic, steeped in Roman Catholic doctrine, and everyone knows that the Catholic Church abandoned helping the poor in favor of perfecting anachronistic forms of pedophelia and losing adherents to evangelical religions and their 'God is Greed' infomercial brand of anti-charity.

Gibson says quite correctly that to blame the Evangelical type religious of Christ's time for crucifying Jesus is to understand clearly the meaning of money and foreign policy. "Christ didn't have no oil. He didn't have a country full of rare earth. Or pockets of natural gas as big as Montana. He just wanted poor and starving people to get a little taste like Castro or Aristide. But the Pharisees like their Evangelical, Jewish and Catholic ancestors weren't having any of that shit. So they killed the dude like they killed Lumumba and Allende."

To begin with, Jesus was scourged, crowned with thorns and nailed to the cross by Roman soldiers, most probably Syrian auxiliaries. He was condemned to crucifixion by Pontius Pilate, the Roman procurator. There wasn't a Jew in the bunch. And Lumumba was shot and his body dragged behind a truck, and, likewise there wasn't an American there. Oh, wait, Frank Carlucci of the decidedly anti-charitable Carlyle Group may have been there as a senior CIA officer. Or take Che Guevara. Oh no,. Forget that. CIA agent Felix Rodriguez cut off his hands and stole his watch. Allende? Nope. CIA, State Department, ITT, Coca Cola etc. Well, fuck. None of them dudes was scourged. Better Che's watch end up on the arm of a live butcher rather than a dead doctor.

Now, Jesus was brought to Pilate by the Temple authorities, who wanted him crucified because they believed he threatened their tight grip on local tithes but were forbidden by Roman law to do the job themselves. See. Now here's where the U.S. kleptocracy, the CIA and its anti-Christian Evangelicals part ways with their Roman counterparts. The U.S. kleptocracy is perfectly willing to turn the killing over to proxies. The Romans had to do all the killings themselves like the Americans in Iraq. The temple authorities were of course, Jews, but they were not ordinary Jews. Like the corrupt elites that the U.S. supports in Haiti, Venezuela and elsewhere, they ran the place and, as Christ, Aristide and Chavez have charged, misused their authority and, allied with the Roman/U.S. occupiers, ground their own people under their heels.

But the Temple authorities did not crucify Christ. Nor did the Romans.

Says Gibson, "I crucified Christ like every American crucified Lumumba, Sandino, Sukarno and Allende" And in that he is absolutely correct. He did, I did, you did. Christ or Lumumba or Sukarno died in expiation for sin your sins, my sins, everybody's sins going back to the dawn of reckless consumption.

When the U.S. and its proxies slaughtered nearly a million Indonesians in 1965-66, U.S. Emabssy official, John Martin, did not even concern himself with Pilate's sense of moral hygiene, when he confessed, "Sometimes you just have to get blood on your hands." Is that correct, Jesus?

CIA Sidelines Mugabe With Ground Glass Pot Pie

We're all sinners and we all crucified Christ, Lumumba, Sukarno et al and continue to do so through the attempted murders of Aristide, Chavez and, now, Mugabe. And among those sins is proclaiming that "we don't know what the fuck is going on."

Christ On The Small Screen

Christ in his recent appearance on the Al-Jazeera talk show, 'Whose Country Is This Anyway?', admitted that he should be doing more to curb U.S. global aggression. Christ said if I had it to do all over again, "I'd a come back and done my 'casting out the money changers thing' on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange before the current spate of wars and coups were launched." The Arab media was unimpresssed.

To blame Christ's death on the Jewish people would be like blaming the American people for their own excesses. Its a real loser in the ratings department. Are they victims of their own self-indulgence and addiction, the opposite of the people of Israel or Guatemala who were the victims of Roman or U.S. sponsored elites and their death squads. Oh, sorry. At least the Romans had the balls to do the killing themselves. The U.S. has got 30 pieces of silver for every little homicidal prick that's got his hand out.

Christ's mother was a Jew. His disciples were Jews. All of the first Christians were Jews. None of them crucified Christ.

Mel Gibson is making a movie that portrays, in all its mimetic horror, Christ's agony in his final hours. Gibson himself has been shocked by what he has learned about Christ's terrible sufferings, just as I was when I researched Allende's and Lumumba's passion and death for my little book on the Coup Investing. The extent of that suffering and that of their people is kept beyond America's Comprehension through movies.

Gibson believes, as I do, that it is important to understand the extent of Christ's people's sufferings because by so doing we get a very slight idea of the extent of the brutality of the U.S. Empire. Mel hardly fits the mold of a true Christian. He was able to back his belief with his own money and time, $25 million and several years of effort, so that with a little help from his personal trainer he can take a shot at that 'eye of a needle' thing.

He deserves better than the commie-pinko label the Washington Times and its neo-con stooges are throwing at him.

Keep agonizing from your palace, Mel. Someday you might get a vague inkling of what Christ was all about. But excuse us if we don't hold our breath while the CIA is trying to take it away.