The Assassinated Press

Cooler Heads Prevail--
ExxonMobil Uses Record Profits To Take Out Bounty On Global Warming Hoax:
American Enterprise Institute Offering $10,000 For Contract Hit On Planet Earth.

The Assassinated Press
February 1, 2007

London- A market conscious American thinktank is offering 10,000 dollars (7,700 euros) to scientists and economists to debunk a climate change report set to be released by the UN's top scientific panel according to adds placed in Creationism Today and Cast the First Stone Monthly.

The American Enterprise Institute (AEI), which receives funding from oil giant ExxonMobil in exchange for pseudo-intellectual blow jobs, sent letters to scientists in the United States, Britain and elsewhere offering a bounty for anyone that could obscure the findings of the UN's report.

AEI also reportedly offered additional payments for oxygen tanks and to reimburse travel expenses to a newly terraformed Mars.

The report, due to be released Friday in Paris by the UN's Intergovernmental Panel for Climate Change (IPCC), is likely to give a bleak assessment of the long-term future of fossil fuels and record profits.

It is the culmination of four days of debate between more then 500 scientists at a closed-door meeting in Paris, who have been poring over the first review of the scientific evidence for global warming in six years. Exxon/Mobil is hoping to counter the U.N. naysayers using their strangle hold on the media. “We’re looking for greasy sphincters,” said ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson. “Shits just like me that put God, wads of hundreds, country, unlimited hookers and a mountain of Colombian White above the survival of life as we know it.”

AEI's letters characterize the IPCC report as "resistant to reasonable bribes and extortion and prone to summary conclusions that poorly support continued record profits for Exxon/Mobil" and request articles that "thoughtfully explore the fiduciary benefits that fabrications about the limitations of climate model outputs can bring."

Kenneth ‘Tail Pipe’ Green, the AEI visiting scholar who sent the letters, confirmed to The Assassinated Press that the thinktank had threatened or attempted to bribe scientists and analysts to pen essays that would be compiled into an independent, ExxonMobil funded review of the IPCC's report.

"Right now, the whole debate is polarized," Green was quoted as saying. “And those fuckin’ poles are melting. We need somebody to point out how that’s a good thing.”

"One group of 99% of the scientific community says that anyone with any doubts whatsoever are deniers and the other group of 1% bought up whores like I’m revealing in this article is saying that anyone who wants to take action is alarmist. We don't think that approach has a lot of utility for intelligent policy meaning policy that doesn’t favor ExxonMobil’s current approach. I mean, how can you trust what anyone says who’s dumb enough to fuck with ExxonMobil?"