The Assassinated Press

The peasants giving you trouble?
The Joint Special Operations Command. Baby killers to the corporate starz!

The Assassinated Press

Having trouble with local insurgency?
Just put a JSOC in it with one our complimentary Free Fire Zones. Remember. They’re Free.

Having trouble with a local tribal chieftain or elder?
Put a JSOC in him….and his wife, kids, grandkids, brothers, cousins, and their livestock.

JSOC specializes in the murder of anyone standing in the way of US corporate profits.

Having trouble with union organizers, scientists, intellectuals?
Put a JSOC in them and shut those fuckers up for fucking ever.

Having trouble with the populist President of a Latin American country?
Put a JSOC in him. We have a million ways to murder for our betters on Wall Street.

Is your neighbor herding his sheep on your south forty or maybe you just covet his poppy field?
Just snitch and we’ll put a JSOC in him and as a bonus we'll buy your raw opium crop.

Is your daughter sneaking out at night and partying with Sunni riffraff?
Just put a JSOC in it and we’ll drone those horny Afghan frat boys .

JSOC specializes in night raids and the killing of innocent women and children as well as destroying infrastructure, water tables, livestock, crops and communications.

Is your corporation losing contract after contract to the Chinese?
Just put a JSOC in it. And those US tax credits will flow to you anew.

Are you down in the poll number s because you’ve deported half of your voting base and starved the other half?
Just put a JSOC in it and watch those bloodlust numbers climb.

JSOC can make you look tough (when you’re actually a pussy) by killing innocent women and children and then claiming officially they were them Taliban or al-Qaeda until the lie becomes untenable.

Called the ‘Neutron Bomb’ of special ops, JSOC specializes in ethnically cleansing those brown stains of the indigene leaving only the lily white of imperialist forces and their corporate handlers to cart off the booty.

With four easy payments of $250 billion dollars apiece, the American people can shit their nappies in regal comfort until JSOC comes for them and theirs.

Testimony from early user of JSOC techniques:
I spent 33 years and four months in active military service and during that period I spent most of my time as a high class muscle man for Big Business, for Wall Street and the bankers. In short, I was a racketeer, a gangster for capitalism. I helped make Mexico and especially Tampico safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenues in. I helped in the raping of half a dozen Central American republics for the benefit of Wall Street. I helped purify Nicaragua for the International Banking House of Brown Brothers in 1902–1912. I brought light to the Dominican Republic for the American sugar interests in 1916. I helped make Honduras right for the American fruit companies in 1903. In China in 1927 I helped see to it that Standard Oil went on its way unmolested. Looking back on it, I might have given Al Capone a few hints. The best he could do was to operate his racket in three districts. I operated on three continents. --- Major General Smedley Darlington Butler