The Assassinated Press

Is John McCain the Hanoi Candidate?
The Kennebunkport Wing of the Republican Party Calls Palin and her Family ‘Trailer Trash.’

The Assassinated Press & Fly On the Wall Media Enterprises

WASHINGTON, DC--Given John McCain’s recent pronouncements on foreign policy, the question around Washington is whether John McCain is, indeed, master of his own mind or whether the former prisoner of war is a victim of North Vietnamese brain washing and mind control.

Is John McCain a real life Manchurian candidate?

“Certainly, he responds to commands from his election staff,” said his campaign manager Rick Davis. “Here John, here John,” Davis called and McCain in a blue jumpsuit tottered into the room. “Lay down, John. Lay down, John,” Davis ordered and McCain lay down. “Now, roll over. Roll over,” but this time McCain resisted. “You want to be president, don’t you boy? Now what do presidents do?” At that remark, McCain rolled over and gave Davis a big shit eating grin with his long forked tongue dangling down and licking left man breast.”

“But I don’t subscribe to the bullshit that John is a Manchurian Candidate,” Davis quickly added. “Certainly, it is suspicious why the Vietnamese didn’t kill the shitbag outright for crimes against humanity. He hasn’t come anywhere since his schooldays. He’s still a bully and a monumental pain in the ass. Maybe, Giap and Ho read in the New York Times about how many fighter jets he ditched because he was such a shitty pilot and couldn’t decide whether to let him go to single-handedly deplete American stockpiles of fighter jets or keep him and turn him into the monster he is today. But these are not my concerns. My job is to get him elected.”

“Yes, when push comes to shove,” Davis confessed, “I will admit John McCain is determined to attack Iran. But off the record he also constantly babbles on about attacking China, Vietnam’s enemy for many centuries ever since the Chinese armies of Emperor Wu Di defeated the successors of Trieu Da and incorporated Nam Viet into the Han empire in 111 BC.”

“Now, if the U.S. attacks China that diverts China away from Vietnam. This, of course, makes a very convincing argument for McCain’s mind being just a blob of Viet Minh silly putty, but he also speaks vociferously about attacking Russia. In fact, through his DC lobbyist McCain has already used Georgia as a proxy to go into South Ossetia outside of the Executive and Congress. Of course, he got a few thousand people killed but when your skulls as thick as John’s and your brain’s as tiny and reptilian, graphic displays of violence serve as a kind of Pavlovian behavioral response technique which simply induces more bacteria laden drool. In short, murder to McCain has become a pleasure response. Damn those wily Commies.

Surgeons who have worked on McCain’s so-called melanomas have reported removing tiny transistors from the area of McCain’s temple. “The transistors I removed were clunky William Shockley era devices but there is plenty of empty space in Mr. McCain’s skull to conceal dozens more,” Dr. Emil Fishley, the Surgeon at Walter Reed Army Medical Hospital who operated on McCain told the Assassinated Press.

John McCain: Enemy Collaborater or Weak A.I. Dupe

Many of McCain's fellow inmates at the Hanoi Hilton accuse the presidential candidate with collaborating with his commie captors. Could it simply be that McCain was implanted with mind control devices early in his captivity and thus has not been his own man so to speak for many decades but merely a puppet of sinister forces.

Records of brain scans of McCain show a reptilian predisposition to violence. There is also genetic evidence that McCain is prone to proxy violence, that is the habit of killing women and children from a great distance or height or sending other people to fight and die in your stead which is the trademark of deviant, violence prone behavior in white people. “How these traits conflate with the Hanoi candidate theory are beyond the ken of enlightenment science,” Dr. Fishley confessed. “Why don’t you ask that asshole Ray Kurzweil?”