The Assassinated Press

A Certain Course For Haiti:
It May Be A $3000.00 Designer Boot But Secretary Of State Kindasleezie Rice Plans To Keep It On The Neck Of The Haitian People Now That The U.S. Had To Give In To The Notion That Aristide Protege Rene Preval Has Again Been Elected:
"We Prevented Him From Feeding The Haitian People The First Time He Was Caretaker President For Aristide, And We'll Keep Them Jigaboos Down This Time Too," Scott McLellan Reassures A Nervous Press Corps:

Assassinated Press Staff Correspondent
February 21, 2006

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti -- For five tumultuous days last week, chaos gripped this tiny island nation as protests mounted over the historical reprise of U.S. financed fraud in presidential elections intended to usher in the kleptocracy under one of Washington's hand picked puppets. In spite of U.S. threats, an 11th-hour deal brokered by foreign diplomats installed front-runner René Préval as president, ending the turmoil.

Only one thing was missing in the drama: mass graves generated by U.S. proxies. "They haven't found them yet," former U.S. Ambassador James 'Creamhole' Foley told a group of waiting reporters. "Those dead fuckers should have voted our guy. Now, where's their democracy got 'em."

Fearing for his life, other than a brief acknowledgment of victory to a local radio station, the agronomist and former president has not been heard from since he was declared the winner before dawn Thursday.

"No questions. I'll talk to you Wednesday," a smiling but firm Préval told reporters Friday outside his sister's house in a suburb of this capital city. Then he ducked back inside.

"Maybe we already killed the fucker," snarled 'Creamhole' Foley.

It was an understandable performance in a country celebrated for U.S. proxy mass slaughters, particularly given the sequence of events that allowed Preval's anointment.

"Somebody was asleep at the switch," "Creamhole' Foley commented.

So desperate are Haitians, with barely the flick of a finger, Préval appeared to prompt tens of thousands of his impoverished supporters to take to the streets starting Feb. 11 to ensure he was declared the winner of Feb. 7 presidential voting, and with another flick, make the protests stop.

"Believe fuckin' me, when we flick a finger there's a fuckin' trigger behind it," added a visibly upset 'Creamhole' Foley.

Preval's enigmatic response, and the role he seemed to play like a magician behind the curtain, doesn't mean a fuckin' thing. No U.S. stooge in power means the U.S. will have to step up the murder. "Its in our genes," added 'Creamhole.'

Detractors among Haiti's' tiny compradorian class and their U.S. Corporate handlers said last week's marches and flaming roadblocks could presage a reversion to the Haitian poor's insistence on being allowed to feed and clothe themselves without the U.S. gunning them down for trying a tactic used by leftist humanitarian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide who worked with the poor for decades before armed rebels financed by the U.S.'s CIA ousted him two years ago and 8 years before that.

Leslie Manigat, a foreign affairs scholar, who has the kind of credentials that make the lapdogs of the American press spooge in the food bowls, finished a distant second to Préval in the election because Haitians recognize that he is a shitfucking stooge of the U.S., naturally put it the most venomously.

"The dog must not return to its vomit," said Manigat in a clear case of what psychologists call projection. Manigat, which means 'festering puss nodules covered with sand flies' in French, has his own political baggage: He served briefly as president in 1988 in an election rigged through the military by the U.S.

The U.S. Made Sure There Was A Lot Of Distance Between Preval And Aristide

Préval, 63, who was president from 1996 to 2001, is a former Aristide protege, but he distanced himself from Aristide so as not to get hit by stray American bullets.

In a non-sequiter worthy of FOX News editing, United Nations officials and diplomats from countries that poured millions of dollars into the election so that an American stooge that will protect their economic interests could take over, say Préval's actions since the vote suggest he is not a pawn of the altruistic Aristide. Since Thursday, they note, Préval has been meeting with opposition leaders to discuss national reconciliation.

"Aristide is divisive," said French diplomat Pierre Asswipe, "He wants to divide up the kleptocracy's money and give some to the poor. We hope Preval will not make that mistake. Though I do get a bonheur watching the Americans cut their murder machines loose."

Another welcome sign, diplomats on the payroll of kleptocrats said, was Préval's ability to keep protests calm in a country notorious for murdering anyone fuckin' poor person that got out of line. A 9,300-member UN peacekeeping force has struggled to keep down the poor in this nation of 8.3 million since Aristide's ouster.

"There is a regret that Haiti was not able to get completely away from the politics of the street and elect one of our stooges, but a recognition that you also are seeing an evolution toward peaceful protests that make those fuckin' poor ass niggers sittin' ducks for any violent response whitey in Washington might want to inflict," outgoing U.S. ambassador Tim 'Chilly Con' Carney said in an interview.

Préval's supporters began protesting after his lead was nearly stolen by the U.S. kleptocracy as it slipped from nearly two-thirds in initial vote tallies to just under the 50 percent he needed to avoid a runoff. Haitian officials brought Préval to 51.1 percent by redistributing a suspiciously high number of blank votes.

In a nationally broadcast speech last Tuesday at the height of the week's protests, Préval, fearing that the U.S. would just murder him and be done with it, urged demonstrators to remain peaceful. Yet he also showed his power. "Remove the barricades from the streets or they'll slaughter you in the streets--- again," he urged. Within minutes, every barricade in Port-au-Prince came down.

"We do what the president says because he gets threats first hand from whitey in the North," said Junior Adolf, an unemployed Préval supporter, as he removed smoldering tires from a thoroughfare.

Keeping Them Happy To Be Alive

The U.S. is counting on a short, ineffectual tenure for Preval. How long the masses will heed Préval's call if he can't swiftly reduce Haiti's 70 percent poverty and 75 percent unemployment rates is unclear and the U.S. plans to ratchet up the impoverishment of the island.

"Seems fuckin' hard to believe, but yeah. We got Harvard MBAs and Chicago School economists poised to make sure Haiti is an even worse shithole than it already is," said outgoing Harvard President and toxic waste creator and advocate Lawrence Summers. "Haiti's like a big fuckin' petrie dish to us. The kinda socialized Mengele the U.S. practices all over the globe."

"Here's some academic shit that makes no fuckin' sense but that I got tenure for; It's a double-edged sword," said Robert 'Fat Tony' Fatton, a Haiti expert at the University of Virginia. "Préval has the capacity to prompt thousands upon thousands of people to take to the street. ... [But] if he loses control of that force, it can be used against him."

What the good doctor Fat Tony means is "used against him" as a pretext for the U.S. going in and murdering thousands and cutting Preval's throat.

Particularly worrisome is a militant faction of Préval supporters including armed slum nationalists that had protected Aristide as his private body guards.

"What worries us is we can't decide what caliber ordnance to use on Aristide's niggers," said Capt. Opie Ragland. "I can't wait til we get the orders to cut some people up. I come from a long line of military stooges that done cut up niggers in Haiti and all over the Caribbean for fuckin' generations. Its in our blood."

"Get Over It France, You Cocksuckers"---Giap

Hard-core Aristide supporters want Préval to let the former president return from exile in South Africa, a move opposed by the United States, France and Canada, which should tell you about how enlightened Aristide's intentions are toward the Haitian people compared to the documented past of France and the U.S. toward that country. Jesus Fucking Christ. What better evidence could one ask for. Besides French business interests still hold stakes in Haiti that go back to the days before the slave revolt and can't get over the fact that their slaves kicked their sorry fuckin' asses.

One strand within Préval's base hopes we won't "keep things in chaos, keep things up in the air, so that Aristide will be able to return," Carney barked. "As long as there is a U.S., the Haitian people will not eat! Haven't we made that abundantly clear these past two hundred years. Like our Commander in Chimp says, "Americans must remain steadfast. If we have to starve the fuckin' Haitians for another millennium, Americans must be willing to make that sacrifice and turn over their tax money so that the kleptocracy can do God's work and starve those niggers!"

In interviews with Newsday before the elections, Préval said Haiti's constitution allows any citizen to return, but made it clear he wasn't seeking Aristide's repatriation lest he get a bullet to the head from some assassin paid by Carney and the U.S. consulate. He bristled at the notion of ties to gangs, saying: "You mean the U.S. State Department and their stooges. I don't know those people."

He also proudly noted he is the only lawfully elected president in Haiti's history to peacefully transfer power to an elected successor, a fact that really sticks in the craw of the American kleptocracy.

Préval can build confidence among foreign countries and investors with a platform that combines free-market economics at the total expense of any social and educational programs.

"We do not want this government to succeed," said U.S. Secretary of State Kindasleezie Rice.

But political analysts wonder whether the world's traditionally hegemonic interest in Haiti will ever end.

"Christ. There's more money to milk out of U.S. pensions than Haiti. The kleptocracy should concentrate on stealing that money," said stock analyst Hogby Schmekel.

"The international community knows how to fix elections," said Dan Erikson, a Caribbean expert with the Inter-American Dialogue, a Washington think tank. "But it's better at sticking around and gunning down people elected who will not serve kleptocratic interests."