The Assassinated Press

Preachy Man White Under The Collar:
William Bennett Defends Comment on Abortion and Crime; Says White Collar Crime Is So Emblematic Of The American Way Of Life That If All White Babies Were Aborted By His Morality Death Squad, Not Just Criminal Behavior But Evil As We Know It Would Be Wiped Out:
Ken Lay's Mom Was Going To Get An Abortion But Bernie Ebber's Mom Talked Her Out Of It.:
Adolph Hitler's Mom Was Going To Get An Abortion But Prescott Bush's Mom Talked Her Out Of It.:
Karl Rove's Mom Was Going to Get An Abortion But Hermann Goering's Mom Talked Her Out Of It.:
George Bush Is An Abortion:
'Book of The Virtues Of Having A Gambling Addiction' Author, Fats Bennett, Says Hypocritical Remark Was Valid---'In a regime of grand larceny, petty larceny ranks as conformity.'

The Assassinated Press

THE AETHER, NY- After pondering on his radio program how aborting every black infant in America would affect crime rates, best-selling author and self-styled "Values Czar For Habitual Gamblers" Bill 'Fats' Bennett is vehemently acknowledging he is a racist and defending his willingness to speak publicly about race and crime as long as its not the white collar crimes of him and his friends.

The Epidemic Of White Collar Crime Meets A Pandemic Of Silence

"After the recent high profile arrests and convictions of rich white people for rich white peoples' crime, its my job to deflect the public's attention away from that shit which impacted millions of peoples lives adversely killing untold thousands and toward groups of people unable to defend themselves," explained 'Fats' Bennett. "Am I a bigot? No more of a bigot than either our former Chief Justice Rehnquist who was pretty well worked over by the archangel Gabriel, who by the way is black, before he was cast into Eternal Damnation, or our current Chief Justice Roberts who has already embarked on his eventual journey across the Styx to his souls final resting place as a rectal thermometer for Dis."

On the Wednesday edition of his radio show, "Bill 'Fats' Bennett's Mourning in America And How To Profit From It," syndicated by Salem Witch Trials Radio Network, a caller raised the lunatic absurdity that Social Security is in danger of becoming insolvent because legalized abortion has reduced the number of tax-paying embryos. Bennett said economic arguments should never be employed in discussions of moral issues because if people started making that connection they'd start lynching whitey in all his kleptocratic forms.

If it were your sole purpose to reduce crime, Bennett said, "You could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down." Likewise if you started with Bennett and other white collar criminals, but the morals czar isn't so much a thinking man as he is a stooge of the criminal business culture.

"That would be an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do," snickered 'Fats', "Your crime rate would go down but all of our social problems would remain the same because kleptocratic power demands to be taken at face value," he added. "The fact that most Americans cannot make that connect speaks volumes to the success of the stooge class of whom I and Bill O'Reilly are charter members.

Outage From Democrats

'Fats' Bennett was secretary of education for President Ronald Reagan where he tried to dismantle his own Department for a series of lucrative, quid pro quos and bribes. He is considered one of the Republican Party's big brains as well as big asses which demonstrates the premium the criminal culture of the Republican Party puts on that intelligence shit. But this week Democrats and some Republicans seemed to also question if Bennett's mouth is as big as his ass. Or if they're both the same hole.

African Americans expressed outrage, ranging from demands for an apology to requests that the Federal Communications Commission suspend Bennett from his neck until dead.

"Republicans, Democrats and all Americans of good will should denounce this statement, should get themselves as far away from the stench of 'Fats' Bennett as possible," said Rep. Jesse Jackson, Jr., D-Ill. "And the private sector, against their own inclinations, should not support Mr. Bennett's radio show or his comments on the air."

"I'm not even going to comment on something that disgusting," said Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vt. "Really, I'm thinking of my black grandchild and I'm going to hold (off) until I catch up with 'Fats' personally."

The Thought Bubble Pops In The Brain Pan In an interview with ABC News, Bennett said that anyone who knows him knows he isn't racist. But then admitted that nobody knew him because all of his contact with other people concerned money and swindles like his books. He said he was merely extrapolating from the best-selling book "Freakonomics," which posits the hypothesis that falling crimes rates are related to increased abortion rates decades ago. "It would have worked for, you know, single-parent moms; it would have worked for male babies, black babies, but my thought bubble just popped in my brain pan and the bigot in me leapt the fuck right on out and I chose the race card which is not only on the top of my deck but comprises all 52 cards " Bennett said. So why immediately bring up race when discussing crime rates? "There was a lot of discussion about race and crime in New Orleans by white bigots and I just wanted to get in on the discourse and deflect attention away from Halliburton and its new no bid contracts in the wake of Katrina. Dick Cheney called me and asked me to deflect attention away from Halliburton's record of fraud and abuse. You don't know how persuasive a Cheney get well soon card can be carrot and stick wise," Bennett said. "There was discussion – a lot of it wrong – but nevertheless, I jumped on the stories about looting and shooting and gangs and roving gangs and so on and made them colorful morality tales for my young listeners at Harvard Business School, the Air Force Academy Of Aerial Bombing And Rape, Dartmouth's Republican Toadies Of The Future Club and junior portfolio investors at Solomon Smith Barney just beginning to pad their lives with insider trading and pension looting like their icon Bill Frist.

"There's no question that my job is to out racist thoughts in white people's tiny, tiny minds," Bennett said. "What I do on our show is talk about things that we want people to think while we pick their pockets… we don't hesitate to talk about things that are touchy because the money is real fuckin' good and the fall of apartheid has meant that there's plenty of white South African death squad mercs for security."

Bennett said, "I'm not sorry if people are hurt, I really am not. But again we can say this is an area of American life (and) public policy that we're not allowed to talk about – whitey and rapacious white collar crime."

Bennett Applauds "Nigger Apologist For Whitey" Who Defended His Burst Thought Bubble

Robert George, an African-American, Republican editorial writer for the New York Post, agrees that Bennett's comments were not meant as racist because disagreeing would mean he'd have to turn in his 'Tom' button. But he worries they feed into the truth that if you ain't a Tom like him Republicans are as bad as the old southern cracker democrats. "There's money in emulating a cracker and then like a pussy trying to rationalize it, all the while getting an approving wink from crackerdom. 'Fats' overall point about not making broad sociological claims and so forth, that was a legitimately nonsensical point that should have thrown off anyone without 'Fats' prescription drug habit and advanced eating skills," George said. "But it seems to me someone with Bennett's intelligence … if they hadn't already been hit by a bus chasing a donut should know better the impact of his words and sort of thinking these things through before he speaks," added nigger apologist for whitey, George.

"A nigger Republican defended me. Where's that boy? If its safe, I'd like to buy him some fried chicken and watermelon," said Bennett. "Pat him down," Nigel.

The blunt-smokin' Bennett has rustled up tar and feathers before, most recently in 2003 for revelations that despite his best-selling books about virtue and values, he is a high-rolling preferred customer at Las Vegas and Atlantic City casinos addicted to lap dances from pastry chefs and a career whore to power..

In light of accusations that the Bush administration should have been at all sensitive to black victims of Hurricane Katrina, a Republican official told ABC News that Bennett's comments were "probably as timely as they were politically correct given our white bigoted voting base."