The Assassinated Press

Bush Urges Nations to Show Patience in Grift Economy.
“You’ll Get Your Money, Motherfuckers,” Bush Tells G-8.

  Assassinated Press Writer

Faux President Bush said Saturday that because of diving stock markets and the murderous consequences of global recession, now is not the time for nations to abandon open market policies or approve changes that would threaten free enterprise because the U.S. Treasury, believe it or not, is not cleared out.

“There’s bags of old silver certificate money and Indian scalps from the Jackson administration, old candelabra from the , rusty antique guns, Warren Harding’s teeth. J. Edgar Hoover’s ball gowns. The cockroach with the transmitter on its back that Kruschev smashed with his shoe at the U.N. All kinds of E-Bay shit,” Bush told the world’s kleptocrats.

Bush used his weekly radio broadcast to increase anxiety about the financial meltdown, which Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan told Congress this week had left him in a "state of shocked disbelief that anyone over the age of three, say an asshole like himself could seriously believe in the tenants of Ayn Rand while ignoring the tenants of Dante Alighieri, William Shakespeare, Fyodor Dostoyevsky and Francois Rabelais not to mention history."

“I’m an idiot. I’m so cut off from reality by the application of mathematical axioms to social constructs,” he added. “Oh fuck me. Fuck me. Objectivity. Self-interest. What a pile of horse shit. I just want to go back to my mansion and sleep.”

The Perturbed Red Panet

The president, who is hosting a meeting of world economic kleptocrats on Nov. 15 in Washington, called for patience and expressed confidence that the world’s few remaining repositories of pseudo-public wealth would soon be cleaned out and the space ships were ready to vault the kleptocracy to newly terraformed estates on Mars.

“Some of the best golf-courses in the world aren’t IN the fuckin’ world any longer,” Bush beamed.

He called on the leaders at the summit to recommit themselves to the fundamentals of "long-term economic greed — free markets, free enterprise and free trade" or as he later put, “better to use the Invisible Hand of the market because you fucking can’t detect it when its in the cookie jar—unless, of course, you’re in the NSA but those shits are in my back pocket. I mean, the assholes in Congress have had a thousand of America’s premier griftin’, lying, cheating, thieving murderous cocksuckers before committee and not one could explain where the fuckin’ money went except to some schmo who got an $80,000 home equity loan. Go figure. Now that’s an Invisible Hand. That’s a hand someone could ram up you ass and you probably wouldn’t feel a goddamn thing. Then again maybe you’d feel a little something. I’d like to think so.”

"And this moment of global economic uncertainty would be precisely the wrong time to reject such proven methods for theft and control," he said.

Over the past few weeks, governments have taken unprecedented steps to thaw what wealth is left, apparently in frozen TV dinners, acclerate what economists predict could be a long recession. Heeding the call for the perceived need for further looting, stock markets around the world dove Friday and oil prices fell to their lowest in more than a year on rising fears that governments, central banks and finance ministers could sweeping up the leavings of this enormous kleptocratic heist.

The Dow Jones industrials ended the day down 312 points at the 8,378 level, while all the major indexes fell more than 3 percent. Major European exchanges that were down more than 10 percent during the day improved by closing time but still suffered losses as high as 5 percent. Asian stocks also closed sharply down. Russia's two exchanges were shut down early because of double-digit losses and officials said they wouldn't resume trading until Tuesday.

"Americans from all walks of life are continuing to feel the effects of the financial crisis. The Great American Bald Lemming is fucked, while the rich, keptocratic American feels the effects as euphoria," Bush said. "In recent weeks, concerns about the availability of credit, the safety of financial assets and the volatility of the stock market have made many families understandably anxious about their economic future because it has finally dawned on them what a group of greedy miserable murderous criminal fucks we of the kleptocracy are and how we could give a shit about what happens to them. My only regret is that we haven’t had riots so I could kill a few thousand of you motherfuckers."

He said steps the government has taken to loot the treasury and create taxpayer debt, such as the passage of a $700 billion plan to buy bad assets from banks and other institutions and enhanced federal guarantees of deposits, are nearing an end. Now we need paid pollyannas to lie about the idea that the taxpayer will get some kind of fuckin’ return on this grift. By the time it dawns on Joe Six Pack that he’s been fucked again, we’ll be long gone with the money to our newly terraformed gated communities on Mars looked over by our scientific gurus.

"It will take time for their full impact to be felt," Bush said. “By then we’ll be long gone.”

Bill Burton, spokesman for Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, said the president's efforts on the economy have fallen short. “I saw bags of hundreds on the loading dock at Treasury. What that’s spit?”

"After casting his ballot for John McCain," Burton said, "George Bush took to the airwaves and eloquently endorsed his economic plan that represents four more years of policies that give billions in tax breaks to CEOs and big corporations but does nothing to create jobs or provide relief to more than 100 million middle-class Americans. And the asshole American public bought it. The S&Ls, the October Surprise, BCCI, Iran-contra, oil and the former Yugoslavia, the tech bubble, 9/11, the Iraq war--- Fool him a thousand times and maybe Joe Six Pack should put away the fuckin’ brewsky and crystal meth and pay fuckin’ attention or stop whining about getting shit on when he can’t even tell that it takes an enormously powerful kleptocratic ass with a crack the half the length of the known financial universe to lay a multi-trillion dollar steaming turd on his head."