The Assassinated Press
Regis Says He Will Retire and Minister to the Venezuelan Poor.
By IMA STOOGEY & SUDSY RAGOO
The Assassinated Press
NEW YORK, ---TV personality Regis Philbin says he will leave his popular morning hour of drivel, Live With Regis and Kelly, when his current contract expires in October of this year. In the past, Regis, who has made disparaging remarks about Hugo Chavez on his show, on several occasions calling the Venezuelan President a ‘lunatic’ and a ‘madman’ for denying license renewals to TV stations implicated in attempts to assassinate him, has said he plans to leave his popular morning jibberthon, divest himself of all his worldly possessions and spend the rest of his life ministering to the poor in the Caracas slums.
“They love me down there. Especially, the forty percent who have electricity,” the maestro of schlub told the Assassinated Press. “I used to play the Caracas Marriott every December. They even let me sing. Now, Chavez has effectively cancelled my show by closing the station that broadcast it. Outrageous! With the corrupt ‘white asses’ quality programming was never an issue.”
Kelly Rippa, who is affectionately known as ‘chicken legs’ among the Venezuelans, credits her vast knowledge of Venezuela to the jibbering erudition of Philbin. “Before I learned about Venezuela from Regis, it was just another jungle shithole standing between me and my cocaine connect in the U.S. Embassy in Bogota.”
After leaving his show, Regis plans to walk in the threadbare sandals of his Lord Jesus Christ. “That’s right,” chuckles Philbin. “‘Go your way, sell whatsoever you have, and give to the poor.’ That’s what Jesus said. Shit. I’ve already sold my Malibu mansion to Donald Trump and told him to pay me when he gets out of Chapter 11. I’m going to sell or give away all of my earthly possessions and put my money where my mouth is and move to the Caracas slums and minister to the poor.”
David Letterman, affectionately known among Venezuelans as commode head because the gap in his enormous teeth look like the gap at the front of a toilet seat, has also committed himself to the ultimate Christian divestiture and says he will join his pal Regis in opening a soup kitchen and counseling center in Caracas. “We both hate Chavez and have virtually no knowledge of Venezuela except that we apparently liked it better when 80% of the people were starving. So as Christ figures, we’re naturals.”
“I think we’ll wow ‘em!” Regis said. Regis added, “If Chavez had the least bit of Christian spirit he’d let the Venezuelan Pharisees and the Romans in Washington kill him. That’s what a real ‘savior’ would do. Chavez didn’t have to go to such extremes. He could have simply pled his case to the rich people and they would have given it up and stopped fucking over everyone else.”