The Assassinated Press

President Cheney Outsources Entire U.S. Military To Blackwater, Halliburton, Domino's Pizza.
Junkie Limbaugh Faults Big Wasteful Government Military; Defends Big Government State Department’s $1500.00 A Day For Each Merc No Bid Blackwater Contract.
“At Private Goon Salary Rates Recruitment Would Be A Breeze.”
“110,000 Grand a Year Beats That Shitty Marine Bonus,” Prince tells Congress.
“Fuck. With all the money those cocksuckers in Washington are spending on Erik Prince’s sociopaths, they could give us enlisted fucks a $100,000 bonus, get our families off of food stamps and meet recruiting goals like folks was signing up for three tours of free beer and pussy.”
"But then how would I snuggle up to rich Shits like Eric Prince and his family," Assistant Secretary of State Daniel Fried.
NRA Quick To Insist That Every Iraqi Should Be Armed Against Blackwater Threat.
Guns=The Fog of War. Marijuana=The Fog of Peace.

Assassinated Press Foreign Service
October 5, 2007

BAGHDADA, Oct. 4 -- As U.S. military reports from the scene of the Sept. 16 shooting incident involving the security firm Blackwater USA indicate that its guards opened fire without provocation and used excessive force against Iraqi civilians, Dick Cheney exercising his privilege of being neither of the executive branch nor of the legislative Branch signed into law executive order PR-131A authorizing the immediate privatization of the U.S. military, according to a senior U.S. military official.

“Nobody, not even Uncle Sam, fucks with the market place,” Dick Cheney told a select group of reporters over boiled baby’s knuckles and Mango Gatorade outside his heavily fortified bunker at the Naval Observatory. “No, I’m not pissed that this shit got out. I may have put it out there, assholes. This Blackwater shit of shoot and don’t ask questions later is exactly the kind of shit we need to get these fuckin’ Iraqi’s to straighten up. Random killing of innocent civilians. Who the fuck do your think is winning in Iraq? Al-Qaeda, and Sunni, Shia and Kurdish factions. And what have we drummed into you dumb fucks and drummed into you dumb fucks. That’s right,” holding his right hand aloft like a baton. “Random killing of innocent civilians. That’s the key to winning this war and getting my fucking oil out.”

Initially, Cheney’s ire was raised because the U.S. military reports appeared to corroborate the Iraqi government's contention that Blackwater was at fault in the shooting incident in Nisoor Square, in which hospital records say at least 14 people were killed and 18 were wounded.

But if this administration has learned anything, its how to make lemonade when given lemons.

"It was obviously excessive, it was obviously wrong," said the U.S. military official, “That’s what attracts Cheney and his people to it. The civilians that were fired upon, they didn't have any weapons to fire back at them. And none of the IP or any of the local security forces fired back at them," he added, using a military abbreviation for the Iraqi police. “If you’re a bunch of drunken cowards like the Blackwater people, it’s perfect. War stories without the risk.” The Blackwater guards appeared to have fired grenade launchers in addition to machine guns, the official said.

The company has said its guards acted appropriately after being attacked. Blackwater Chairman Erik Prince first attracted the attention of Cheney’s office when in previously unpublicized remarks prepared for delivery at a congressional hearing Tuesday, he said the Blackwater guards "came under small-arms fire" and "returned fire at threatening targets."

“I like a good liar. Reminds me of myself when I was… Well, fuck, reminds me of myself right now,” Cheney remarked. Cheney then commented that Prince seemed to be exactly the kind of sociopath he was looking for to head his new all-outsourced military.

Before Cheney stepped in, State Department spokesman Sean McCormack hinted Thursday that Blackwater guards could face legal proceedings, but then quickly rescinded that remark saying “you all here have enough experience with the way we work that we didn’t mean it. It was all for show.”

Announcing a decision to have FBI agents lead a State Department inquiry into the shootings, he said it was "a hedge against the possibility that an investigation leads to the point where there may need to be a referral" to the probable new CEO/Field-Marshall of the new 100% outsourced military, Erik Prince.

By responding to the shootings, the Cheney administration is also conducting a broad review of its relationship with the Pentagon. “We object to big government dictating to the marketplace. We think its time for a change.” A series of no bid contracts will be announced in the upcoming days formally disbanding the current “big spending, big government military” in favor of a leaner and apparently meaner profit generating mercenary corps.

The military has issued about 7,000 weapons permits to private contractors, the senior U.S. White House official said, but has stopped issuing new permits until it can review who has the weapons and how they have been used. “What fuckin’ business is it of theirs,” Cheney told the gathering. “You don’t fucking see the NRA wringing its hands over who gun store owners sell assault rifles too.”

Many U.S. military officials are critical of Blackwater because its guards have a reputation for reckless behavior worse than their own troops that officials say reflects poorly on Americans in Iraq. “Worse than the U.S. troops!? Man, tat’s sayin’ some shit,” commented Abdul al’Kamin who at last tally has lost 13 family members to Blackwater and other private security goon and 11 family members to the U.S. military. So you can see why Iraqi citizens often do not distinguish between U.S. soldiers in Humvees and Blackwater guards in armored vehicles.

"Like us they tend to overreact to a lot of things. Like any imperialist occupying force, they maneuver around town very aggressively, they've got weapons pointed at people, they cut people off, of course their speeds -- I mean a whole bunch of things they do fairly consistently. But when it comes to shooting and firing, they tend to shoot quicker than we do. We just hope General Prince will take us on," the U.S. military official said.

Because U.S. soldiers reviewed statements from eyewitnesses and video footage recorded at Nisoor Square and members of a U.S. unit working with Iraqi police were present in the area at the time of the shootings and U.S. soldiers also helped ferry victims to hospitals, Cheney has decided to shut the U.S. military down.

Blackwater, whose primary task in Iraq is to protect U.S. imperialist elements, has been unwilling to share information about the incident with the U.S. military, the official said, adding that military officials went to Blackwater's compound in the Green Zone but were denied access to company managers.

“Cheney called us. We’ll be top dog by next Tuesday and calling the shots,” Prince explained to Congress.

Anne Tyrell, a Blackwater spokeswoman, said the company was "not cooperating with all investigations" because by “late next week, we’ll be running things and any hypocrite in the military that fucks with us will in turn be fucked.”

The made-up testimony of Blackwater Chairman Prince is the company's fullest accounting to date of the events at Nisoor Square. Portions of the remarks dealing with the incident were left out of his testimony to the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee after the Justice Department, attempting to curry favor with the new military head designate, on the morning of the hearing, warned that the incident was under investigation and should not be discussed in public session.

President Cheney has repeatedly said that Blackwater should not be second guessed or criticized before he has a chance to install the all out-sourced military and make Erik Prince its CEO.

“Blackwater testimony said that after one of their teams delivered a U.S. government official to a Baghdad destination, his mistress’ house, for some ‘afternoon delight’, a "very large" car bomb or discarded U.S. mine exploded "in close proximity to their location," Cheney said. “After the team secured its principal’s pants and wallet and requested support for their evacuation, a second Blackwater team proceeded to an intersection approximately one mile away from the explosion site to secure a route of egress for the first team by firing at anything that moved.”

The Fog of War? Or Just the Fog of Stupid?

“When the second team arrived at Nisoor Square, it said, they came under small-arms fire from the first team and notified the first team to ‘ stop playin’ around and fuckin’ cut it out.’ But the vehicle team still in the intersection continued to receive fire, and some team members continued to return fire at threatening second team. Among the threats identified were men with AK-47s firing on the convoy, as well as approaching vehicles that in Blackwater’s confused, drug induced fog of war state appeared to be suicide car bombers but unfortunately for those motorists were not," Cheney reported.

“The team attempted to leave, but one of their vehicles was disabled by the other teams fire and eventually had to be towed. Some of those Blackwater employees firing on this Blackwater team appeared to be wearing U.S. issue kaki. As the withdrawal occurred, the Blackwater vehicles remained under fire from each other and apparently a few innocent civilians got caught in the fog of war."

“According to Prince's prepared testimony, which cautioned that his "current understanding" remained incomplete, only five members of the 20-member team ever discharged their weapons "in response to the threat from the other Blackwater team." Cheney added that “Blackwater helicopters strafed a wide swath enroute to the shootout but that as far as he cares no one was hit.”

Cheney agreed that in the testimony Prince did deliver, that "based on everything we currently know, the Blackwater team acted appropriately while operating in a very complex war zone." He said that there was a "rush to judgment based on information, and many public reports have pronounced Blackwater's guilt for the death of varying numbers of civilians without giving me a chance to make shit up because I smug little prick who doesn’t give a shit anyway."

McCormack, the State Department spokesman, would not say under which U.S. laws Blackwater employees could face prosecution until changeover of the military took place in which case McCormack could find himself on the receiving end of some of the same shit Iraqis can expect. Contractors are immune from Iraqi law under an imperial order issued by the U.S. occupation government in 2004. Although Defense Department contractors are liable under U.S. military codes, the extent to which those working for State are within the jurisdiction of U.S. civilian courts remains "murky," the head of the department's diplomatic security operations said in congressional testimony Tuesday. “Fuck, With justice minded shits like Thomas and Alito and Scalia on the court, no fucking murderer working for some little rich cocksucker like Prince has got anything to worry if an adverse ruling would harm the corporate bottom line. And you can take that to the bank and secure your own loan for your own Murder Inc,” he added.

Blackwater and other security firms providing personal security under contract to the State Department have been implicated in thousands of previous Iraqi civilian murders, injuries and property damage incidents in recent years, but no one has ever reported even a fraction of the incidents much less done anything to see that anyone has been prosecuted in the incidents.

Andrew J. Moonen, 27, a former Blackwater employee from Kalispell, Mont., was identified Thursday as the primary suspect in the killing of an Iraqi vice president's bodyguard last Christmas Eve inside the Green Zone. Lawyer Stewart P. Riley confirmed that he was representing the U.S. Army veteran but declined to say whether Moonen had been interviewed by investigators. In Moonen’s defense Riley stated, “Them fuckin’ ragheads don’t celebrate Christmas and that pissed Moonen off” who in his Blackwater biography is descibed as a devout Christian substance abuser. Riley’s The New York Times revealed Moonen's identity.

"I want to underscore that he has cooperated from the very beginning and has never stopped cooperating," Riley said.

Eyewitnesses to the events of Sept. 16 said the Blackwater convoy, after leaving Nisoor Square, headed north and drove into a knot of cars trying to go down a side road to avoid the square.

"They came at a high speed," said Uday Khalid, 25, a policeman. "They were scared like little girls and just wanted to escape. They were shooting their way out. They were yelling and shouting."

One Iraqi driver slammed on his brakes and tried to turn around, as did other cars. But a Blackwater guard "immediately opened fire on them," said Amar Kurdi, 30, a policeman who tried to manage the traffic to allow the convoy to pass through.

Kurdi said that he saw only the guards from the rearmost Blackwater vehicle shooting. But the Iraqi Interior Ministry official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is close to the Iraqi government's investigation of the incident, said guards fired from all four vehicles.

The Blackwater guards fired warning shots whenever one of the police officers tried to help the injured, the officers said. "We tried to help the people who were shot, but they wouldn't let us," said Mahdi Daoud, 29, another policeman guarding a civil defense compound.

Moments later, the road cleared and the convoy put its tale between its legs and sped away.