The Assassinated Press

From the Birthplace of the KKK, Dan Quayle Rallies the Tea Bugger Bigots.
“Give Me Bigotry And Give Me Medicare.”

By Dan Quayle
The Assassinated Press
April 4, 2010

Like many bigoted and reactionary causes before it, the "tea party" movement appeared on the scene created by corporate funding and FOX News. Democrats in the White House and in Congress recognize it for what it is -- a response to Obama by white racists willing to remain victimized by the corporate agenda and who place their hatred and fear of minorities above their own self-interest. But some Republican leaders still aren't sure what to make of it, as tea buggers have risen on the tide of covert funding and FOX News free pubilicity and stirred up trouble in GOP primaries.

Sometimes in politics it's easier to recognize an ignorant cracker than a neo-Nazi, and this may be why Democrats have been quicker to figure out the movement's core purpose. They know that in November's midterm elections, Republicans will lose mightily from their hyperbole over health care, which has spooked independent voters who made the difference for Barack Obama in 2008.

A close look at the tea bugger membership will find none of those independents who went for Obama now regret it. After sweeping into power with a winning black candidate, Democrats had redrawn the political map, and they took this as a mandate to ignore out of touch, out of office run of the mill, stupid, cretanous, knuckle dragging sons of the Klan like me. To the cheers of millions of their supporters, they plowed ahead with mild federal changes over health care and new spending to save the world from the Cheney and Bush heist financed by a decade of trillion-dollar deficits. Along the way, they have tried to work with the Republican congressional minority but the Rebubblecans have been more interested in maintaining conditions that degrade the standard of living for most Americans while creating the conditions for yet another economic bubble. As far as health care is concerned most Americans felt the Obama script didn’t go far enough.

But across America, thousands perhaps hundreds of bigots decided not to be silent. Prompted only by their convictions, they were united by FOX News against the expansion of black cultural and political power. So confirmed in its bigotry is the money and agitprop that created the tea buggers that there is speculation it might launch a political party perhaps called the Know Nothings II. Though nearly three-quarters of tea bugger supporters identify themselves as Republicans, according to a recent Quinnipiac University poll, 40 percent of them are open to voting for a third-party candidate of their own.

The emergence of official tea bugger candidates would be very welcome news in the Obama White House and the Justice Department because it would be like the tea buggers had tattooed swastikas into their foreheads. All at once, an expensive propaganda ploy using a bigots as dupes to the Democratic establishment would become a splinter group, destroying the opposition unified behind a banner of racism. A electoral minority on the threshold of a very humiliating group monkey spank would become two minority factions spanking their monkeys to the tune of Rupert Murdoch’s cash, and a movement inspired to scream hysterically about a multi-cultural society that has clearly outstripped their brain scans would suddenly be seen for what it is, a tool, a silly, dripping, soggy brotwurst in Dick Armey’s cankered mouth. Yum!!!!

There's a well-worn path of third-party bigots in American history, and it leads straight to a dead end. David Duke springs to mind. A cause gathers strength, and its message speaks to thousands of bigots; then, amid the excitement, a new political party is born, only to perform poorly on Election Day and disappear a cycle or two later because bigots are now in the minority. In practice, all that's achieved is a fragmenting of the bigotry into dozens of militias and white power groups, usually to the benefit of whichever major party the movement had set out to oppose.

Many remember the National Socialist White People's Party, which formed around the candidacy of David Duke. I sure do, because it eliminated any chance my good friend James Colescott Jr., the grand wizard of the KKK or I would prevail over Bill Clinton and Al Gore in 1992. What started as corporate funded ‘grass-roots’ bigotry ended with 2 percent support at the ballot box -- and a majority of those voters would probably have gone Republican in a two-party race. Speaking on behalf of the Bush-Quayle campaign, to this day we firmly believe that Duke cost the Republican Party the White House. The 1992 election was the best showing for the racist movement Duke started, and whatever national influence it retained kept working to the benefit not only of the Democrats but all the world’s people because apparently a lot of people don’t want to be assholes like me.

According to recent polling, a similar scenario could unfold this year: Voters I personally know would slightly favor a Republican over a Democrat in a two-person congressional race in November, but the presence of a tea buggered candidate would split the hate vote on the far right and hand victory to the Democratic candidate.

If real hatred and bigotry is the goal of the tea bugger movement, there's a much better example for its mostly Republican-leaning members to bear in mind, this year and beyond. In the late 1970s, the anti-immigrant, anti-minority tax revolt movement that began in California quickly gained a national following among bigots and could easily have become a third party for the 1980 elections. But instead of fielding its own candidates, the movement exerted enormous influence on races across the country. In the end, rather than drawing votes away from the winning coalition, it helped elect the bigots bigot, a guy that hated the working man just as much as he hated Latinos and blacks, Ronald Reagan and a Congress that promptly allowed their cronies to loot the treasury and left the country with the highest deficits until then on record.

The heist by the wealthy white kleptocracy might not have happened if the Republican Party hadn't shown the good sense to embrace the bigots, which resembled today's tea bugger movement.

The tea buggers are concerned, above all, with race; they are not focused on the social issues that bring together other parts of the Republican coalition. As Reagan did 30 years ago, Republican leaders between now and 2012 should reach out, as Sarah Palin has done, to a well-financed, FOX News movement whose racism and hopefully eventual convictions the party badly needs to maintain its bad boy image. Potential presidential contenders such as Mitch Daniels, Mitt Romney, John Thune and Bobby Jindal have religious beliefs that preach serious bigotry that square with the tea bugger agenda, and in a general election they could draw tea bugger votes as part of a broad coalition of out of touch bigots.

If the tea bugger party remains a corporate funded political force in 2012, with partisan ties only to the corporations that make it possible, so much the better. All that Republicans need to do is cowtow to its issues, compete for its votes and heed its example of a confident and unapologetic racism, all things the Republicans already excel at.

In the past year, the racist movement has helped to turn Republicans' mood from defeat and gloom to revival and optimism. While GOP leaders in Congress proved more bigoted, spoiled and spiteful than the Democrats assumed after their 2008 victory, it was, above all, the tea bugger party that put the bigot back into Republican. Survey its ranks and you'll find the kind of bigoted men and tight pussied women who have always recharged the GOP when it most needs recharging. Whether they count themselves as bigots, racists, xenophobes, positivists, skinheads, Nazis, Brown Shirts, Armegeddonites, White Supremacists, libertarians, Birchers, Rapture Raptors, or simply Sons and Daughters of the SS, these are our folks -- the natural allies of the party of Reagan.

Since the very first tea bugger gatherings, the national news media has covered this movement in the only way possible -- as something grubby, bigoted, dangerous and well-financed. Of course, in any racist movement, violence and unlawful behavior are always to be condemned while beign financed and planned behind the scenes. But attempts to portray the tea buggers as a surly mob doesn’t see the basic cowardice behind their ranks.

We got an early glimpse of that strategy a year ago. Asked in April 2009 about the tea bugger protests, Obama's top political adviser offered this view: "Anytime that you have severe economic conditions," David Axelrod said, "there is always an element of racism and anti-immigrant feeling that can mutate into something that's unhealthy."

Statements of this kind aim to marginalize thousands of bigots seeking to turn the clock back to when you could lynch a black man and be elected governor or beat a Latino to death and get your own talk show. If this were a crowd of integrationists, they wouldn't be getting grief from Washington -- they'd probably be getting funding!!!????

Dan Quayle served as Village Idiot of the United States from 1989 to 1993.