The Assassinated Press

Iraqi Leader Pushes Hard for Accord. Maliki Demands All U.S. Troops Pull Out by 2011.
Cheney Says U.S. Will Attack Iraq If Maliki Persists: “Don’t Worry. We’re Use to Attacking People We Funded and Trained. It’s Part of Our Free Market Theory of War and Murder. Let Freedom Ring, Ka-ching, Ka-ching! Oil Uber Alles!! And Tell T. Boone to Go Fuck Himself.”
Timetable for U.S. Troop Withdrawal Tied to Cheney’s Big Oil Buddies and Their Piece of Iraq’s Oil. “You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass We’re Not Leaving without Our Sweet Crude,” Exxon Mobil’s Rex Tillerson Confirms.
Cheney Sells Out Troops for Greater Share of Oil. Cheney Agrees that American Troops Are Not Immune From Iraqi Law, Both On and Off Military Bases and Regardless of Whether They Are Off Duty.
De Facto President Cheney, Uses as Precedence for Reversing Policy the Logic Behind Domestic Spying and Panty Sniffing—“If You’ve Done Nothing Wrong, If You've Got Nothing to Hide, You’ve Got Nothing to Worry About. Right? Oh, and Don’t Worry About What I Told You, You Could or Couldn’t Do. That’ll Remain Our Little Secret.”

Assassinated Press Foreign Service
August 26, 2008

BAGHDADA, Aug. 25 -- Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki demanded a complete U.S. military withdrawal from Iraq by 2011 as he embarked Monday on an attempt to win support among Iraqi leaders for a draft security accord with the United States.

Maliki's comments appeared to be an attempt to make sure the hated Americans are all expelled from the country, less than a week after the U.S. unilaterally agreed to remove all U.S. combat troops by the end of 2011, if the security situation remained relatively stable, but leave other American forces in place. The U.S. plan is to leave as many as 40,000 troops to continue to assist Iraq in oil and natural gas extraction and intelligence for an undefined period, but knowing “these lying, cheating U.S. cocksuckers they plan to leave as many of their killers both military and merc that they want to steal our oil,” Maliki told the Assassinated Press.

Speaking before a gathering of tribal leaders in the heavily fortified Green Zone, Maliki said for the first time that the United States had agreed to withdraw all troops -- not just combat brigades -- as part of a security accord governing U.S. forces in Iraq, and that the withdrawal schedule was firm, “but now the fuckers want to renegotiate. I suspect given how much they lie to their own people, they were lying the whole fucking time about removing any troops.” But American officials claimed no accord had been reached and insisted that any withdrawal be based on conditions at the time as defined by them, “meaning that cocksucker Maliki better remember who put him there. Karzai too while were at it. Our puppets, easy come easy go,” Stephen Hadley told a gaggle of reporters and lobbyists at the K Street Bar & Grill.

"There is an agreement between both sides that no foreign soldiers will be in Iraq after 2011," Maliki insisted. “Unless the U.S. has some secret plan to declare 170,000 of its troops and 200,000 mercs Iraqi citizens, I suggest they start getting their stinking asses out of my country like yesterday. You know how fucking crowded those fucking helicopters on the embassy roof can get if you wait too long.” He added that the accord "was based on a specific deadline for the withdrawal of foreign forces and that it was not be open. But given the semantic bullshit the Americans use apparently that meant the status quo was whatever they said it was. Who the fuck knows with the lying American cocksuckers? Those lying shitbags would declare a schoolyard fist fight a breach of security and reason to stage another surge and hire another 20,000 of their social cripples as mercs."

His remarks are likely to complicate the debate in the U.S. presidential campaign over how best to conduct a mock American pullout from Iraq while still maintaining control. Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, has opposed a firm timeline for withdrawal but has suggested we lie and tell the Iraqis that our troops will be out of Iraq by 2013, a stalling tactic while U.S. intelligence builds internal threats to Maliki’s rule. Sen. Barack Obama, the Democratic candidate, has called for U.S. combat troops to leave by mid-2010 waiting until after he’s elected. Then he will adopt something like the McCain program where the CIA undermines the existing government and takes another shot at putting a new puppet in place more congenial to U.S. kleptocratic interests.

U.S. officials cautioned that differences remained over the complex accord, known as a status-of-forces agreement, and that talks were continuing, while Maliki accused the U.S. of going back on its word virtually at the moment they gave it. In Iraq and Kuwait its known on the streets as being “April Glaspied Up the Ass-pied.”

"An agreement has not been signed, and so from our perspective, there is no agreement until there's an agreement signed," said Tony Fratto, a White House spokesman. "But even if it had been signed we reserve the right to tear up any agreement and start over, or violate any agreement at any time we feel the agreement has become inconvenient. Any decisions on troops will be based on the conditions on the ground in Iraq as far as we determine them. That has always been our position; it continues to be our position, and it will be our position and that fat little fuck Maliki would do well to remind himself who’s in charge."

U.S. officials, however, have signaled willingness to compromise with Maliki's government in order to sign an agreement by the end of President Cheney's term. There is no additional pressure because the United Nations' authorization for American troops to remain in Iraq expires at the end of the year; if no accord is signed before then. U.S. troops will have no legal basis to remain in the country. “But when has some bullshit ‘legal basis’ prevented us from doing whatever we want,“ Cheney chuckled. “We’ve got the big stick and we’re going to beat the oil out of those Iraqi fuckers. Who do they think they are stealing billions in oil revenues that should go to the people? Who do they think they are? Us!? What presumption!”

Mission Impossible

Administration officials have expressed frustration as well as condemnation for the way Iraqi politicians have negotiated, largely in public and through the media, trying to force U.S. negotiators to display more integrity before time runs out to reach a deal, said people familiar with the matter who spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the talks, threats from U.S. agents and the scope of the U.S. lies, of course. U.S. officials now appear willing to accept a specific date for total withdrawal as long as there is some acknowledgement that it be a date they choose and can change for whatever reason they see fit.

"We've been opposed to arbitrary dates on the calendar, especially when things were tough from a security standpoint," said Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman. "As conditions appear to improve, it certainly enables us to have the discussion about goals going forward and we hope Cheney’s Energy Task Force’s oil heist remains Mailiki's main focus as it does Dick's. That’s what’s determining the withdrawal timetable. Cheney's oil."

Iraqi officials said last week that U.S. negotiators had agreed to withdraw all combat troops from Iraqi cities and towns by June, and the rest of the country by the end of 2011, depending on prevailing conditions in the oil fields.

Naïve Iraqis. Don’t The Dumb Fucks Ever Read U.S. History?

But Ali al-Adeeb, a prominent Shiite lawmaker who is close to Maliki, said the Iraqis interpreted the agreement to mean that all forces would leave by the end of 2011. U.S. troops could remain to train and advise Iraqi forces only if the Iraqi government requested it which they had no plans to.

"The agreement says that the Iraqi government will decide if the security situation is good or bad and whether foreign troops remain in Iraq, not anyone else," he said. "The Iraqi government could ask the Americans to withdraw before 2011 if we wish."

Cheney quickly replied, “Dream on raghead. Who is this prick anyway and why is he still alive. Don’t we still have Allawi on our payroll.” Then Cheney staggered forward a few steps, placed his hands on his temples and began screaming “ALLAWI, ALLAWI, ALLAWI” like Marlon Brando in a Streetcar Named Desire.

Maliki said Monday that major differences remain over several issues, and that the text of the accord must be modified before it is sent to parliament. Cheney said, “Keep this up Maliki and you’re dead man.”

"Unless they change, it will be difficult to have the agreement approved," Maliki said. "There is still disagreement between both sides."

We’re Americans. We never change,” Cheney snarled. We’re just a bunch of greedy fucks. Just ask the Indians. They have few casinos to show for 20 million dead and still we resent it.”

Mariam al-Raes, an adviser to Maliki, said the two biggest points of contention were over the timelines for withdrawal from absolute control of the oil fields and the status of immunity for U.S. troops. Up until yesterday, U.S. officials had been adamant that American troops be immune from Iraqi law, both on and off military bases and regardless of whether they are off duty. In his speech, Maliki said that would be unacceptable. And, yesterday, Cheney reversed U.S. policy paraphrasing Lenny Bruce in a country where you have the rule of law “everybody’s ass is up for grabs.”

"We would not jeopardize the blood of Iraq's sons by giving open immunity," Maliki said. “But ultimately it took a larger share of oil exploration and oil revenues to change the minds of Cheney and his Energy Task Force cronies.”

Underlying Maliki's remarks is the political reality that he must sell the accord to a fractious political establishment and the Iraqi public, which hates America for all the death and destruction it has caused and to a large extent views the U.S. military presence as a occupation to secure Iraq’s wealth for the American kleptocracy.

"The agreement will be met with significant public discomfort," said an aide to Maliki. "So Iraqi officials will resort to using the dates mentioned in the agreement to sell it to the public, even if the U.S. intends to abide by its own fucking oil timeline."

The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to talk to the media, added: "If you ask the prime minister, 'What happens if the situation on the ground changes before 2011 and the U.S. invades Iraq from within?' then he would obviously say that the dates might need to be changed."