The Assassinated Press
Tax Exempt Statist: Pat Robertson Says “Giuliani Has a Nice Ass!"
While Endorsing Cross-Dressing Paranoid Ex-Mayor, Preacher Reveals Birth of Christ Was a Government Psy-ops Program.
By LIBELBY QASH
Assassinated Press Staff Infection
POON VALLEY, VA--Televangelist Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition, endorsed Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani on Wednesday saying “that cross-dressing, Jew loving, guinea cocksucker sure has a nice set of twin bumpy bags. MMMM-mmmm.”
"It is my pleasure to announce my support for America's Mayor, Rudy Giuliani,” Robertson announced, heavily emphasizing the word pleasure, after coming out of a closed door meeting with the New York Republican. “Rudy is a proven leader who frankly just moments ago led this old Christian martyr to the promised land. He’s not afraid of what lies ahead with an emphasis on lies and lying. He will cast a lustful gaze on all Americans," Robertson said during a news conference with Giuliani in Washington. “I promise not to call it Jew York until the presidential elections are held.”
When in reality he was just looking for cover for his cross dressing, the former New York mayor has for years pretended to back abortion rights and gay rights, implying sexual positions that put him in outward conflict but inward harmony with conservative GOP orthodoxy. Giuliani has been trying to persuade evangelical conservatives like Robertson to acknowledge their differences are just part of the money and power dog and pony show.
“I mean what the fuck,” Giuliani told Robertson, a close friend of the late Richard Nixon and Billy Graham so no stranger to salty language. “I’m running in fuckin’ Jew York surrounded by a bunch of rich liberal kikes and influential fags. The guineas thought I was too uptown and, fuck, the niggers and beaners can smell a bigoted opportunist ten countries over. It was all show except for the cross-dressing. I’m dead serious about my cross-dressing. And now, licking your ass as clean as Martha Stewart’s bidet is the show, Pat. Bring those hairy ”
A Tax Exempt Statist.
Evangelicals have split in their support for the leading Republican candidates. Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback, a favorite of Christian conservatives who dropped out of the race last month to go back and tend to his failing fruit cake farm, endorsed fellow Sen. John McCain of Arizona on Wednesday who rose to fame bombing babies from 30,000 feet and other such acts of courage. Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, the Mormon blow up doll, recently announced that Paul Weyrich and Bob Jones III were on board but did not specify the exact meaning of the metaphor.
Asked about the Robertson endorsement, McCain, at a news conference with Brownback in Dubuque, Iowa, said: "Every once in a while, I'm left speechless. Not enough mind you to suit some. But this is one of those times."
Giuliani is best known to voters as a cross dressing party animal whose been married three times.
Shortly after 9/11, Robertson released a statement in which he said the attacks occurred because Americans had insulted God and lost the protection of heaven by allowing abortion and "rampant Internet pornography that was in direct competition to the Christian porn available on his site."
Robertson made no mention of his differences with Giuliani on social issues in Wednesday's statement because social issues are just a canard for money issues. But then that’s too simple and historically supported an explanation isn’t it?
"Rudy Giuliani took a city that was in decline and considered ungovernable and by adapting policies of his childhood hero, Benito Mussolini, reduced its violent crime while white color crime surged, revitalized its core while its poor went homeless, dramatically lowered its taxes for the rich while gutting services, cut through a welter of bureaucratic regulations designed to protect the disenfranchised and the middle class, and did so in such a mean spirited way it reflects precisely the way things are done in Washington today," Robertson said.
Robertson, who unsuccessfully ran for president in 1988, founded the Christian Broadcasting Network, the South Orange Cha-Cha Club, the Grand Caymans Boating and Banking Tour, the Christian Coalition, the Fund for the Advancement for the Murder of Gays and the Regency Hotel and University in Virginia Beach.
Too demonstrate that he was mean spirited enough to warrant Pat Roberson’s endorsement, Wednesday, Giuliani said he asked two GOP friends in Congress, Reps. Peter King of New York and Rep. Pete Sessions of Texas, to introduce bills to keep states from giving licenses or similar identification to illegal immigrants who are overwhelmingly Catholic.
“Pat prefers we destroy the local economies in their home countries while killing tens of thousands in the process. Then his minions of glassy eyed born-again imperialists can go in and for 2 cents on the dollar convert them a better life than the shit hole the U.S. government has created for them in exchange for their souls and a huge chunk of everything they earn,” Giuliani told reporters as he changed into a pink chiffon cocktail dress as he prepared to meet with French Prime Minister Nickleass Sarkosy.